Rapid Change in the wrong direction

[buterfly]

This is the 2nd separation from my husband in the last 6 months. I left the first time after a scary rage, and asked that if I returned home that we both go to counselors individually, as well as couples therapy. The idea was to take steps, any steps, to work on the relationship. Truly a last effort after the many things I've tried. He fought in rages the entire way through therapy, and was not willing to do anything the therapist suggested. Then he "broke up" with her with lies, and we were done. Although I've had a counselor, he did not go individually. Instead it escalated, and I left again, this time for good.

My question is... . It's a little over a week this time, and although I too have made it a goal to take care of myself, he has made great, dramatic changes, doing things I have rarely and never seen him do in our 13 yrs. together. he is running, a lot, doing yoga, eating healthy, meditating, chakra healing, he says he's planning individual counseling, etc. his "changes" seem rapid and dramatic, and although it makes me happy he's taking care of himself, I also question his motives. Perhaps we are both working on ourselves at our own pace. However during our last separation he worked out and lost weight, upon my return home that was one more thing for him to rage at me about, not being as healthy as he was. He doesn't want a divorce, and says he's preparing for my return, but he's not doing this for me, and his health is not the issue in our relationship. I myself want a divorce.

Has anyone experienced this upon leaving? What do you suppose his motives are? Am I reading into it too much? I suppose I should just work on not caring anymore.

[OutOfEgypt]

Has anyone experienced this upon leaving? What do you suppose his motives are? Am I reading into it too much?

Oh, yes.  My ex did strange things when she felt the "balance" shift into ME walking away from HER (rather than the other way around).  Suddenly she was a completely different person.  And a few times I fell for it.  Then when she knew she had me back under her control, the switch flipped back into who she really is.

But when we were finally splitting up, she would do something else.  If I was leaving her, she would sulk for a while and throw fits.  But if she was leaving me, or when she was done with her sulking and realized that wouldn't work, she would put on this display of how much happier she is now in her "new life".  Suddenly she would be a totally different person, almost as if to show me and the world that I was the reason for her misery.  In fact, she is now.  I chalk it up to the need to feel like they are leaving as the "winner", and of course... . they know it kills you, so you feel terrible, slump in pain and anger, think about it way too much, and thereby take the "sullen loser" role.

I wouldn't worry too much about the details of his motives.  Just rest assured it is a temporary display of something intended to take some kind of control and redistribute the balance of power in some way.  Maybe he wants you to be jealous.  Maybe he wants you to think that he's a changed man because he's terrified you are leaving (which is more likely if you haven't actually split up yet).  Maybe it is both.  I have no idea.

I just know he's hoping you will notice and that it will provoke an emotional reaction from you... . self-doubt, insecurity, jealousy, second-guessing yourself, rumination, worry, desire, etc.

What would be awesome was if you acknowledged his changes in a "hey, good for you.  glad you are doing something good for yourself" kind of way but while remaining unphased and still focused on your course of action.  Not that you want to "stick it" to him, but that would.

[OutOfEgypt]

Most people don't like to be dumped.  We always feel "better" somehow when we are the dumper.  So, that is pretty normal.  But with my ex (uBPD and possible uNPD), it was to the extreme.  For most of our marriage, she was always the one with the upper hand.  She was abusive, totally one-way, and completely disrespectful to me.  So when she wanted to leave or cheated on me and wanted to leave, I was always the one begging for a chance.  I thought it was all my fault -if I could just be a better man (or a man at all), she would love me and want to stay.  I clearly wasn't enough.  And she took her sweet-ass time living it up with whatever guy while she "decided".  She would literally "strut" around like she had just been freed from prison (she actually used those words before of me, too).  She would suddenly be an active mom, taking the kids to the park.  She would take hundreds of pictures of herself.  She would act like she's on top of the world.

But something interesting happened around the end of our marriage (and at the end of the last recycle).  I was in a different place emotionally.  I had been to therapy for a couple years at that point.  So, I told her I was done unless she got professional help.   That is what led to our divorce.  At first she laughed.  Then mocked me.  Then raged.  Then slept all day and couldn't believe I thought she was "crazy" (her words, not mine).  She filed for divorce against me and told the world (on Facebook of course) she was "single", before even telling me anything.  I was irate!  But then I met a girl about 12 years younger who basically seduced me (haha... . ummm), and though I broke it off and though my ex didn't know about her, that connection turned my heart away from my ex.  And boy she noticed it.  She noticed I was gone emotionally.  And she panicked.  I had never seen that before.  Usually she always had the upper hand.  Suddenly she was the most loving, sweet, caring person.  She was energetic, involved, wondered why we never "went out together" (I had been wondering for about a decade, myself).  I was confused.  Resistant at first, but then I allowed her to suck me back in with it.  And whenever she would pull me close, she would always hurt me... . like after sex and cuddling on the porch swing, she would start explaining to me very plainly all the reasons why she doesn't want to be with me.  I would then distance myself emotionally, and then she would pull me back.  Then I went away with the kids to visit my family.  during that time, who knows what happened (she stayed at home).  But I do know that when I came home, and she knew she had me hooked again, it was back to the whole one-way thing. 

She did the push-pull thing during our divorce a few times.  Then I started dating someone. She again noticed.  That made her panic again.  This time she promised therapy and actually started going.  To make a long story short, we recycled.  Things were wonderful.  I even told her about the much younger girl right after she filed for divorce against me.  She was very angry at first (and to this day she considers me a "cheater" "just like her," even tells people that, because we were still technically married... . in spite of the at least 4 affairs during our marriage that she had against me).  I thought it was really our second chance (or 4th, 5th, 6th, whatever it was).  Soon, she moved back in, and lo and behold... . the same thing.  It was like a switch flipped when she came back into the house.  Demanding, one-way, no boundaries, no respect for my boundaries, harsh, critical, self-centered.  She even told me that she didn't know why she was in therapy -didn't think she needed it at all.  Claimed she "passed" me in her recovery.  And it got worse, until she was hanging out with her affair buddy again and seducing our son's 18 year old friend!

So I confronted her on some things (didn't know about the 18 year old yet), and she cut me down badly.  Told me she just want to be "friends".  Told me she didn't think I would "ever get better" with the therapy I was doing.  Told me I disappointed her all over again.  Then the next day I found out about things, confirming my suspicions.  And reality set in.  I said, "get out.  I'm done."  I held my ground, even though I still felt like a lot of it WAS my fault.  And at first she was angry, but then she started being all depressed and sad.  She would call me up in the middle of the night to tell me that she loves me.  She blamed me for why she failed one of her college classes.  She would treat me like I was an evil man for not wanting to revolve all around helping her anymore.  She would smash things in the middle of the night, things I'd given her over the years.  She would call me at work crying and telling me how she can't imagine growing old with anybody else.  But finally she gave up and realized I was not budging.  I had to bribe and force her to get out of my house.  Took her almost four months to get out.  And immediately, she had another guy.  And suddenly its all about her.  Doesn't even care that the kids know about her new man.  She's strutting through life again.  Happier than she's ever been.  It even hurts our teen daughter, making it seem like mommy never even cared about the family she had.  All tanned up, white teeth, lost weight, sexy new clothes, new car, new puppy, new man.  You name it.  Suddenly very active in all of these family things and relationships. 

And yet I know its all an act. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi butterfly, I suggest that you tread carefully here.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation and employing FOG to get their way, so I am skeptical about his motives.  His display could be a ploy to entice you back into the r/s.  It's only been a week, which is a short separation.  It will take longer to sort things out, in my view.  LuckyJim

[strong9]

Most people don't like to be dumped.  We always feel "better" somehow when we are the dumper.  So, that is pretty normal.  But with my ex (uBPD and possible uNPD), it was to the extreme.  For most of our marriage, she was always the one with the upper hand.  She was abusive, totally one-way, and completely disrespectful to me.  So when she wanted to leave or cheated on me and wanted to leave, I was always the one begging for a chance.  I thought it was all my fault -if I could just be a better man (or a man at all), she would love me and want to stay.  I clearly wasn't enough.  And she took her sweet-ass time living it up with whatever guy while she "decided".  She would literally "strut" around like she had just been freed from prison (she actually used those words before of me, too).  She would suddenly be an active mom, taking the kids to the park.  She would take hundreds of pictures of herself.  She would act like she's on top of the world.

But something interesting happened around the end of our marriage (and at the end of the last recycle).  I was in a different place emotionally.  I had been to therapy for a couple years at that point.  So, I told her I was done unless she got professional help.   That is what led to our divorce.  At first she laughed.  Then mocked me.  Then raged.  Then slept all day and couldn't believe I thought she was "crazy" (her words, not mine).  She filed for divorce against me and told the world (on Facebook of course) she was "single", before even telling me anything.  I was irate!  But then I met a girl about 12 years younger who basically seduced me (haha... . ummm), and though I broke it off and though my ex didn't know about her, that connection turned my heart away from my ex.  And boy she noticed it.  She noticed I was gone emotionally.  And she panicked.  I had never seen that before.  Usually she always had the upper hand.  Suddenly she was the most loving, sweet, caring person.  She was energetic, involved, wondered why we never "went out together" (I had been wondering for about a decade, myself).  I was confused.  Resistant at first, but then I allowed her to suck me back in with it.  And whenever she would pull me close, she would always hurt me... . like after sex and cuddling on the porch swing, she would start explaining to me very plainly all the reasons why she doesn't want to be with me.  I would then distance myself emotionally, and then she would pull me back.  Then I went away with the kids to visit my family.  during that time, who knows what happened (she stayed at home).  But I do know that when I came home, and she knew she had me hooked again, it was back to the whole one-way thing. 

She did the push-pull thing during our divorce a few times.  Then I started dating someone. She again noticed.  That made her panic again.  This time she promised therapy and actually started going.  To make a long story short, we recycled.  Things were wonderful.  I even told her about the much younger girl right after she filed for divorce against me.  She was very angry at first (and to this day she considers me a "cheater" "just like her," even tells people that, because we were still technically married... . in spite of the at least 4 affairs during our marriage that she had against me).  I thought it was really our second chance (or 4th, 5th, 6th, whatever it was).  Soon, she moved back in, and lo and behold... . the same thing.  It was like a switch flipped when she came back into the house.  Demanding, one-way, no boundaries, no respect for my boundaries, harsh, critical, self-centered.  She even told me that she didn't know why she was in therapy -didn't think she needed it at all.  Claimed she "passed" me in her recovery.  And it got worse, until she was hanging out with her affair buddy again and seducing our son's 18 year old friend!

So I confronted her on some things (didn't know about the 18 year old yet), and she cut me down badly.  Told me she just want to be "friends".  Told me she didn't think I would "ever get better" with the therapy I was doing.  Told me I disappointed her all over again.  Then the next day I found out about things, confirming my suspicions.  And reality set in.  I said, "get out.  I'm done."  I held my ground, even though I still felt like a lot of it WAS my fault.  And at first she was angry, but then she started being all depressed and sad.  She would call me up in the middle of the night to tell me that she loves me.  She blamed me for why she failed one of her college classes.  She would treat me like I was an evil man for not wanting to revolve all around helping her anymore.  She would smash things in the middle of the night, things I'd given her over the years.  She would call me at work crying and telling me how she can't imagine growing old with anybody else.  But finally she gave up and realized I was not budging.  I had to bribe and force her to get out of my house.  Took her almost four months to get out.  And immediately, she had another guy.  And suddenly its all about her.  Doesn't even care that the kids know about her new man.  She's strutting through life again.  Happier than she's ever been.  It even hurts our teen daughter, making it seem like mommy never even cared about the family she had.  All tanned up, white teeth, lost weight, sexy new clothes, new car, new puppy, new man.  You name it.  Suddenly very active in all of these family things and relationships. 

And yet I know its all an act. 

Wow OoE. I share many of these stories though I've only been recycled once. But after reading your story, I'm even more resolved to stay NC and end this thing. Mine asked me to divorce her. She can't pull the trigger herself. She is getting her (and really, my) wish soon enough.

[buterfly]

Hi butterfly, I suggest that you tread carefully here.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation and employing FOG to get their way, so I am skeptical about his motives.  His display could be a ploy to entice you back into the r/s.  It's only been a week, which is a short separation.  It will take longer to sort things out, in my view.  LuckyJim

I agree completely! His side is attempting to manipulate me back, while my family is urging me to divorce. The contrast is a lot to handle, but I keep telling myself to forget all of that and focus on how I feel. Also, it really helped hearing stories that were similar to my own. It really validates MY feelings! And I obviously really need that right now. So, thank you outofegypt, and strong9.

I wouldn't worry too much about the details of his motives.  Just rest assured it is a temporary display of something intended to take some kind of control and redistribute the balance of power in some way.  Maybe he wants you to be jealous.  Maybe he wants you to think that he's a changed man because he's terrified you are leaving (which is more likely if you haven't actually split up yet).  Maybe it is both.  I have no idea.

I just know he's hoping you will notice and that it will provoke an emotional reaction from you... . self-doubt, insecurity, jealousy, second-guessing yourself, rumination, worry, desire, etc.

What would be awesome was if you acknowledged his changes in a "hey, good for you.  glad you are doing something good for yourself" kind of way but while remaining unphased and still focused on your course of action.  Not that you want to "stick it" to him, but that would.

Also, I have kept many journals over the years for my sanity, and I have added your wisdom to them tonight, so that I can remember REALITY, and nurture my true self, my true feelings and emotions, and I don't have to be played with like a puppet. I know Reading my journal's Will remind me, they always do. That's where I got the strength to leave. Thanks again all for your support.