NC broken with a simple "hey"... ugh...

[Karmachameleon]

So, my dBPDexbf and I have been NC for a month and he moved away to another city to live with his family.  I have been struggling with my feelings for him and crying, getting mad at myself, obsessing, etc, but I was still feeling pretty sure that I was on the right track and was making progress.  Then it came this morning.  The text.  "Hey."  My heart dropped.  But I had been dying to hear from him and I immediately felt that relief of getting my "fix" from my addiction.  Pathetic to say, but true.  Everything I knew from this board told me to ignore it, but there was simply no way to fight the urge.  I responded.  "Is everything ok?" and then it started.  Super long rambling texts one after the other.  No, everything wasn't ok, he had nothing left to live for without me, missing me is killing him, how could I be so stupid not to want to work things out with him, nobody would ever love me and my son like he did and all I care about is money, f*uck me, what a self-centered b*tch I am, he is sure I am sleeping with other people (I most certainly am not), I am crazy, probably schizophrenic is his diagnosis of me, all I had to do was apologize for all the things I did to him and we could have worked things out and been happy together forever.  And on and on and on.  So, basically I just fell back in my hole.  But on the positive side I figured as long as I had broken NC I might as well get everything off my chest that had been building up, so I confronted him about some lies I knew about and a few things he couldn't deny, so that felt kind of good.  Of course he avoided admitting anything and somehow it was all my fault, but I still felt better getting it out.  So anyhoo... . back to square one.  At least he reinforced why we aren't together anymore.  This hole doesn't feel quite so deep or difficult to crawl out of.  Thanks for letting me vent.

[patientandclear]

Hey Karma -- I remember so well the first text my ex sent me after breaking up with me out of the blue for reasons that made no sense, in the middle of the idealization phase, splintering my heart in a way I still haven't fully recovered from.  The breakup was so brutal not only because it seemingly came out of nowhere, not only because it contrasted with all his assurances and lovely words to that point, but ... . because of the sudden cessation of those constant incoming texts.  Texts about how great I was, how great we were, little thoughts, observations ... . then suddenly, silent.

When he sent one text about a month after the breakup, it was really like mainlining heroin (I imagine).  I got a chemical fix, no doubt about it.  My racing anxiety was suddenly calmed.  I was at work and sat down and closed the door and shut my eyes and just bathed myself in the knowledge that he was thinking of me, that I hadn't said anything back yet, wishing that moment could just stay like that.

There are lots of things I see in that moment now looking back, but one is how intensely addicted I was.  And still am. There's no mistaking what was going on there chemically.

[corraline]

wow, your post will help me when i crave the fix... . yup , cause i still do

i am sorry that you had to have that experience but it sounds like it may have helped you out of your intense craving... .

yikes.

i remember one time being busy at work... . i was aware that i felt "good and calm" like everything was alright with the world... . i was thinking... . something good just happened what the heck was it ?, i then remembered oh yah, i just heard from my ex... . it wasn't even something particularly nice.  but the feeling that it gave me just seemed like a flood of "yumminess" thru my veins.

ugh.

[trappedinlove]

I have been struggling with my feelings for him and crying, getting mad at myself, obsessing, etc.

I had been dying to hear from him and I immediately felt that relief of getting my "fix" from my addiction.  Pathetic to say, but true.

But on the positive side I figured as long as I had broken NC I might as well get everything off my chest that had been building up, so I confronted him about some lies I knew about and a few things he couldn't deny, so that felt kind of good.  Of course he avoided admitting anything and somehow it was all my fault, but I still felt better getting it out.  So anyhoo... . back to square one.  At least he reinforced why we aren't together anymore.  This hole doesn't feel quite so deep or difficult to crawl out of.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Karmachameleon, you are very hard on yourself but you handled this brilliantly.

You can be very proud with the way you dealt with this challenge as you are aware of your addiction and this confusing mixture of strong emotions and still you kept your boundaries and leveraged this "mini crisis" to attend to your own needs and protect yourself.

You're back on track for healing (actually you never went off track! )

TIL

[strong9]

I have been struggling with my feelings for him and crying, getting mad at myself, obsessing, etc.

I had been dying to hear from him and I immediately felt that relief of getting my "fix" from my addiction.  Pathetic to say, but true.

But on the positive side I figured as long as I had broken NC I might as well get everything off my chest that had been building up, so I confronted him about some lies I knew about and a few things he couldn't deny, so that felt kind of good.  Of course he avoided admitting anything and somehow it was all my fault, but I still felt better getting it out.  So anyhoo... . back to square one.  At least he reinforced why we aren't together anymore.  This hole doesn't feel quite so deep or difficult to crawl out of.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Karmachameleon, you are very hard on yourself but you handled this brilliantly.

You can be very proud with the way you dealt with this challenge as you are aware of your addiction and this confusing mixture of strong emotions and still you kept your boundaries and leveraged this "mini crisis" to attend to your own needs and protect yourself.

You're back on track for healing (actually you never went off track! )

TIL

Couldn't have said it better myself. You recognize the issue. That's awareness and from that comes strength and indifference for him. I see nothing here to get down about.  I know you feel weak and addicted. I've been there and am there. I actually dread seeing my ex for the same reasons. But you will get through this.

[Karmachameleon]

Thanks so much you guys.  I love that I can admit my feelings on here.  My friends would think I needed to be committed for still having feelings for him.  Thanks!  I feel pretty ok today.  You guys are awesome.  Oh, by the way, he posted a saying on Facebook last night after texting me: "Sometimes you have to burn bridges to get away from the crazies."  Lol.  Good advice.  I will take it.

[momtara]

It's a positive thing to have all of that reinforced, anyway!

[trappedinlove]

Oh, by the way, he posted a saying on Facebook last night after texting me: "Sometimes you have to burn bridges to get away from the crazies."  Lol.  Good advice.  I will take it.

Heh, this is so ironic.

Projection at its best.

He feels the craziness around but he fails to own it