Long term NC

[moedered]

I've been away from this site for about 5 yrs. So happy to still see how great the support is to everyone in so many of the familiar parts of the cycle. I have had mild contact with uBPDm within the past 5 yrs but have been solid with my boundaries and it has worked well, only, if you think no contact at all the past year and a half is "well". We normally don't miss birthday or Christmas emails.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying my new-found focus on my own life and happiness. But the guilt is always there and I wish we could keep in touch (she lives on the other side of the country) even by email. I can't write her an email without her sharing it with other people for opinions so it is never a private conversation. I just get a response of how horrible a daughter her friends think I am.

I've been thinking of sending her a card to at least let her know I love her - I no longer have the anger I used to have. I just can't have her in my life so this may have to do. It will be hard to fight off the onslaught when she thinks I've opened the door and all boundaries are gone in her eyes. Still think it's worth a shot

Am I just following the cycle?

[Kwamina]

Hi moedered  

I don't know whether sending your mother a card would be a good idea or not, but maybe you should just wait a few days and think it all over and consider all the scenarios that might result from it. If you still feel like sending a card then, it might be good to go ahead with it. No matter what you decide to do I think the most important thing is that you have your boundaries clearly in place in your own mind so that you're ready if your mother interprets the card (or anything else) as an invitation to revert back to the way things used to be.

[HappyChappy]

I also tried low contact with my BPD, but it's difficult to get narcisstic supply from an e-mail. My BPD can't manipulate by e-mail and doesn't want an audit trail. They want you to attend court. So we've been NC. The theory suggest things will go back to how they were, every time with a BPD. They don't change. They may be pleasant when hovering you back in, but ask yourself do you want the same as last time ? That said, you mentioned you loved your BPD which I can't relate to. My BPDm has never done anything worthy of love.

[healinghome]

hello   ,  I'd have to agree with happychappy... .they don't change.  they are incapable.  I know its hard and really sad. I've been nc with foo on and off for about 5 yrs and after therapy and a lot of work on myself I'm fast coming to the conclusion that nc isn't about walking away from those with BPD, its about accepting that they are unable to change and are uninterested in nons, but only what nons can offer them.  which to me is de-humanizing... .being used.  I feel that they force us into making the decision of nc and then we feel guilt for something we are not responsible for.  if they would genuinely get help or admit they have issues  then it maybe a different story.  for me... .nc is the only way to a peaceful and happy life, but I know it can be hard.   

[pessim-optimist]

I've been thinking of sending her a card to at least let her know I love her - I no longer have the anger I used to have. I just can't have her in my life so this may have to do. It will be hard to fight off the onslaught when she thinks I've opened the door and all boundaries are gone in her eyes. Still think it's worth a shot

Only you can decide what's best for you. That being said: I hear you say that you love your mother, and would want her to know you love her.

If you sent her a card, would it make you feel better about yourself and the relationship? Would that make you feel better in general? I suspect it would, and that's why you are thinking about it.

My next question to you would be: compared to the past - are you stronger now? Do you feel like you will be able to "fight off" her push to move things into the old r/s patterns?