I'm a monster?

[mama m]

My uBPD/enabling MIL/FIL act like I'm a 10 foot monster with fangs!

I am kind, compassionate, and sensitive. I just don't give into fits/silent- treatments/guilt. I do accept that I don't make 'mama happy'... .and unintentionally cause family disturbance.

They cower when they see me. Everyone in the room can 'feel' their fear as I walk in.

I get messages from my husband's extended family on how my MIL&FIL are deeply hurt and confused. How they cannot understand why I'm not being more forgiving, loving, and understanding... .more "Christ-like" towards my in-laws. Some admit that my inlaws are a 'little off' but I should still be the bigger person. That I'm teaching my kids how to be stand off-ish and uncompassionate.

I don't see myself as mean. I try to be kind. I try to still share pictures (of our kids) and remember birthdays. I don't ignore them. I just keep boundaries. I am keeping my kids away for the reason that-if you do not have a good relationship with me you can't be close to my kids. (the are 6, 4, and 2 years old) But doesn't that seem rational?

My husband's family is HUGE, loud, and comfortable with this way of relationships.

I'm only one, i'm quiet, I'm not comfortable with the relationship "games" and drama.  I don't want to just 'play-get along', "just get over it"... .

very Simply I just don't want to play.

Does that make me a monster?

How should I respond to everyone's comments? (I don't defending myself would do any good)

Thank you!

[HappyChappy]

A BPD will see anyone who take's away attention as a threat. So if you're taking away their son - you're a threat  . Slowing access to their grandkids, you're a threat. The rest of the family will fall inline with the BPD. Because the BPD been working on them for years, and the consequences of upsetting them just aren't worth it. However there are some good techniques on this website, on how to approach a BPD. SET etc... .

My BPD has always scared the heck out of all my friends. My wife has never liked the nonesence my BPD mom throws out, if you're not from that enviroment I think it can be daunting. You're right to say there's nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries. And you're right is saying you don't want to get invovled with the games and nonsence. But a BPD is unlikely to change, so I'm guessing they will always paint you as a monster. So either go LC, NC or start reading up on SET and other techniques. My sisters husband has developed a rare condition that's baffled all the Dr's. He gets smited by this every time my BPD demands he attends court. You can't realy call someone a monster for being ill... .Best of luck.

[finchfeather]

Hi mama m! I feel like my DH would really, really relate to your post. I have a uBPD mom and I was in denial about how messed up my family dynamics were for a long, long time. I pressured him for a long time to "go along to get along" and convinced him to jump through some uncomfortable hoops in futile attempts to keep the peace. My DH grew up in a family that has its issues, but is overall pretty healthy emotionally, and so the dynamics that felt familiar to me really feel bad and wrong to him. And he's right about that. These dynamics have caused me a lot of harm over time. And they have caused him harm, too, especially when I haven't been good at standing up for him.

This is all to say: your instincts are right. You do not have to tolerate people who treat you this way, and you do not have to expose your kids to people who treat you badly. You are not a monster and you are not a bad person for wanting to set limits with people who are not respectful of you and your family.

I think that you're reacting really well actually - not giving in to tantrums and silent fits is huge. It may seem upsetting to your in-laws because you're not playing the family game of "let's please Mom." But that's okay. It's okay for you not to play that game (because, hey, that game stinks!) and it's okay for you to not worry about managing their reactions to you not playing that game. If they're making hurtful comments, you can walk away or hang up the phone, or you can change the subject, or you can give them a non-defensive response like, "Well," or "You're certainly entitled to your opinion." 

Please ignore it if this question is too personal, but I'm wondering how your husband reacts when his family treats you this way? I'm asking because I know how hard it was for me to understand how much my DH needed my support in dealing with my family. But I'm glad that I eventually came around, because my life has been a lot better since I did.

Sending you lots of support, and hugs, too, if you want them.   

[P.F.Change]

Hi, mama m,

It sounds like you feel comfortable with the boundaries you have with your parents, and uncomfortable with the pressure you are getting from other family members. Is that correct? Sometimes healthy boundaries can be interpreted as mean or vindictive by family systems who are used to dysfunction. Are you happy with the way you communicate your boundaries to your parents and other family members?

How should I respond to everyone's comments? (I don't defending myself would do any good)

HappyChappy suggested a really great communication tool, TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. It helps me in all kinds of interactions, not just with my parents and extended family. It is really good to use at times when I want to assert a different viewpoint.

I have also told other family members, "I appreciate your concern, and I am ok with my choices. I would prefer you didn't offer advice if I haven't asked for it." and "Yes, my mother does seem very upset. I hope she will consider talking with a professional about it, since it's really not in my power to help her."

What kinds of things do you currently say? What points would you like to communicate?

Wishing you peace,

PF