I'm going insane...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My dBPDw move to my town when we started dating. She's never lived outside of her home state until then. When she moved, she moved in with me. After moving, she struggled to find work.

I also have a daughter from my first marriage. Wife moved quickly to be a co-parent, which was fine with me.

But since the earliest days of her loving to town, and in so much conversation/fights since then, she has repeatedly brought up some variation on the theme that I made her give up her career and her family and here whatever else.

I had always hoped that time would create some form of acceptance from her about the situation. And my hope was that acceptance would allow her to move on to create some level of growth forward.

But I've gotten to the point where every time she complains about how this isn't how she'd imagined her life, I just feel like she doesn't want a life with me. When I tell her that, she just points out how much she does for us and our family to make it work. But that doesn't address the issue I'm hurt about.

I have for years tried to support her, but as a pwBPD, I wonder if there is EVER anything anyone could do to make her feel better about how her life turned out. She won't and I can't make change happen.

It's becoming impossible not to feel lost in my own relationship when my wife is crushed that her vision didn't become reality, much less when she blames that on me.

Not sure what I'm asking, really. I know we're not supposed to vent her, but any thoughts you're willing to share would be great.

[coasterhusband]

My dBPDw move to my town when we started dating. She's never lived outside of her home state until then. When she moved, she moved in with me. After moving, she struggled to find work.

I also have a daughter from my first marriage. Wife moved quickly to be a co-parent, which was fine with me.

But since the earliest days of her loving to town, and in so much conversation/fights since then, she has repeatedly brought up some variation on the theme that I made her give up her career and her family and here whatever else.

I had always hoped that time would create some form of acceptance from her about the situation. And my hope was that acceptance would allow her to move on to create some level of growth forward.

But I've gotten to the point where every time she complains about how this isn't how she'd imagined her life, I just feel like she doesn't want a life with me. When I tell her that, she just points out how much she does for us and our family to make it work. But that doesn't address the issue I'm hurt about.

I have for years tried to support her, but as a pwBPD, I wonder if there is EVER anything anyone could do to make her feel better about how her life turned out. She won't and I can't make change happen.

It's becoming impossible not to feel lost in my own relationship when my wife is crushed that her vision didn't become reality, much less when she blames that on me.

Not sure what I'm asking, really. I know we're not supposed to vent her, but any thoughts you're willing to share would be great.

[123Phoebe]

Hi coasterhusband,

  That going insane feeling sucks; I know it well.

But I've gotten to the point where every time she complains about how this isn't how she'd imagined her life, I just feel like she doesn't want a life with me. When I tell her that, she just points out how much she does for us and our family to make it work. But that doesn't address the issue I'm hurt about.

One of the hardest things for me to grasp, really look at to the point of studying, then let go of, was my need to have him totally understand where I'm coming from, to feel me (dare I say, to enmesh with me... ).  My need for him to understand me, superseded by ability to connect with him.  We weren't all that much different in the relating-department.

Understanding myself has helped to understand him. 

It's up to us (we're the ones here on this board after all ), to learn what we can to better relate to our loved ones.

What do you like to do for fun?  Anything you've been wanting to do?

 

[Theo41]

Yes. That's got to be unpleasant and frustrating. In my situation my uBPDw cycles through ups and downs with respect to me but not with regard to the circumstances of her life: that all sucks. As for me she either thinks I hung the moon or alternately disrespects me (sometimes in front of others and the children.) Regarding her life: the glass is not half full, it's more than 3/4 full but she focuses on any negative she can find: the elevators are too slow; the drivers in town are slow and don't drive well; Mary is self centered, Jackie only wants to talk about herself; and hubby (me) doesn't LISTEN to her.  I have created a good life for myself apart from her: work, athletics, reading and writing, going to 12 Step meetings like Alanon (which has been very helpful ), friends, etc. I spend well over 50 % of my waking hours away from her - I need the quiet and relief . Without it I could not carry on. When you combine that with half the time when she's not complaint or acting out ,but instead, behaves and acts the part of a good companion, it's still a good life and the downswings are tolerable. Not a bad life. THEO