It's done. I'm free.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I finalized my divorce today. Our settlement conference lasted over 10 hours but we got all the details worked out and the papers signed. I feel the outcome went much better than expected. I'm relieved but the fact that I'm actually divorced hasn't fully sunken in yet. I'm single again for the first time in nearly 20 years.

A few things I learned:

I learned as much as possible about BPD & NPD - I needed to understand these complex disorders in order to change my reaction to her behavior and to develop strategies to establish and maintain my boundaries. I had to do some very painful things to establish and maintain boundaries.

I posted and listened to and acted upon a great deal of solid advice I received from this forum.

I hired the most competent attorney I could find. She's been worth every penny.

I talked to a T and took his advice to heart.

I didn't (tried not to) give in to despair. 

I put the acronyms SET and JADE on sticky notes in various place to remind me of these little pieces of wisdom.

I was consistent in my communication with my ex B/NPDw. I consistently reenforced to her that our marriage was over. I never wavered or gave her false hope. I reiterated that although our marriage is over we need to focus on the areas that have worked for us in the past as parents and business partners.

I was and continue to be extremely careful not to disparage her in front of the kids - or anyone for that matter. Yeah, at times I feel like I went to hell and back dealing with her but I realized that clinging to that story would not help my kids or allow me to move on with life.

I clarified in my mind and on paper exactly what I wanted out of the divorce in terms of the kids, asset division, and continued operation of our business. I achieved most of what I set out to accomplish in these areas - not everything but certainly the most important things.

I started a full-blown reevaluation of my life - from top to bottom. I consider my ex to be one of my greatest teachers. She helped me develop into a better person. She's like Master Pai Mei in Kill Bill II. The scene is entitled "the evil tutelage of Master Pai Mei." Pai Mei is often mean and sadistic but he gets results! I'm mentally stronger and I'm better able to manage my own emotions better because of her.

Thanks to all that challenged my thinking on this site. I'm very grateful.

[Jai Yen]

I finalized my divorce today. Our settlement conference lasted over 10 hours but we got all the details worked out and the papers signed. I feel the outcome went much better than expected. I'm relieved but the fact that I'm actually divorced hasn't fully sunken in yet. I'm single again for the first time in nearly 20 years.

A few things I learned:

I learned as much as possible about BPD & NPD - I needed to understand these complex disorders in order to change my reaction to her behavior and to develop strategies to establish and maintain my boundaries. I had to do some very painful things to establish and maintain boundaries.

I posted and listened to and acted upon a great deal of solid advice I received from this forum.

I hired the most competent attorney I could find. She's been worth every penny.

I talked to a T and took his advice to heart.

I didn't (tried not to) give in to despair. 

I put the acronyms SET and JADE on sticky notes in various place to remind me of these little pieces of wisdom.

I was consistent in my communication with my ex B/NPDw. I consistently reenforced to her that our marriage was over. I never wavered or gave her false hope. I reiterated that although our marriage is over we need to focus on the areas that have worked for us in the past as parents and business partners.

I was and continue to be extremely careful not to disparage her in front of the kids - or anyone for that matter. Yeah, at times I feel like I went to hell and back dealing with her but I realized that clinging to that story would not help my kids or allow me to move on with life.

I clarified in my mind and on paper exactly what I wanted out of the divorce in terms of the kids, asset division, and continued operation of our business. I achieved most of what I set out to accomplish in these areas - not everything but certainly the most important things.

I started a full-blown reevaluation of my life - from top to bottom. I consider my ex to be one of my greatest teachers. She helped me develop into a better person. She's like Master Pai Mei in Kill Bill II. The scene is entitled "the evil tutelage of Master Pai Mei." Pai Mei is often mean and sadistic but he gets results! I'm mentally stronger and I'm better able to manage my own emotions better because of her.

Thanks to all that challenged my thinking on this site. I'm very grateful.

[catnap]

I do hope you check in on a regular basis to share you hard won wisdom.

Congrats on getting everything finalized.

[ForeverDad]

What a relief it must be, knowing how much these negotiations could gone on and on - or imploded - and now it's over.

Major facts in your favor were that she has been living far away (distance helps limit the impact and chaos), the kids had been living with you most of the time (majority parenting), the kids were nearly grown (less time left for her to argue over custody and parenting), you were able to accept the marriage was over and you were very prepared (experienced lawyers and solid peer support).

[livednlearned]

What a relief it must be, knowing how much these negotiations could gone on and on - or imploded - and now it's over.

Major facts in your favor were that she has been living far away (distance helps limit the impact and chaos), the kids had been living with you most of the time (majority parenting), the kids were nearly grown (less time left for her to argue over custody and parenting), you were able to accept the marriage was over and you were very prepared (experienced lawyers and solid peer support).

Total credit to you for re-evaluating your entire life, top to bottom. Without that, I think people sabotage themselves in this process. You did well because you covered all your bases.

I'll be thinking about you and your kids, hoping that they grow up and have good relationships, and that you find someone who deserves you and loves you 

[eyvindr]

Congratulations to you, JY! It's really encouraging to hear someone talk about how they got a good effect out of planning thoughtfully, and carrying through. Good for you!

And this is classic! --

I consider my ex to be one of my greatest teachers. She helped me develop into a better person. She's like Master Pai Mei in Kill Bill II. The scene is entitled "the evil tutelage of Master Pai Mei." Pai Mei is often mean and sadistic but he gets results! I'm mentally stronger and I'm better able to manage my own emotions better because of her.

I wish you and your family the best.

[Forward2free]

That's fantastic news and I am sure that your new path will be filled with happiness - you have already started on your new foundation, so let the fun times begin!

Are you still working together?

[Jai Yen]

Thanks to all the people wishing me and my kids well. I do feel like my mind can rest to an extent. She's in town until a week from Tuesday. After that I won't have to deal with her here until February. 

My kids have learned a lot about human nature by observing her behavior and learning about it. They both clearly understand she's not well but they love her anyway and she seems to love them too.

I actually had a productive lunch meeting with her the other day and dinner with her and some mutual friends at my house this evening. I left when the friends did. I'm staying with a friend. The evening went well - no drama.

We are still working together but the nature of what we do only requires use to meet once a week at most for an hour or two via Skype. If she gets out of line I can simply hang up. I've done this a number of times and it helps rein in her manipulative tactics.

It's unlikely that she'll ever seek help but at least I don't have to witness her ranting and raging ever again.

[Matt]

A few things I learned:

I learned as much as possible about BPD & NPD - I needed to understand these complex disorders in order to change my reaction to her behavior and to develop strategies to establish and maintain my boundaries. I had to do some very painful things to establish and maintain boundaries.

I posted and listened to and acted upon a great deal of solid advice I received from this forum.

I hired the most competent attorney I could find. She's been worth every penny.

I talked to a T and took his advice to heart.

I didn't (tried not to) give in to despair. 

I put the acronyms SET and JADE on sticky notes in various place to remind me of these little pieces of wisdom.

I was consistent in my communication with my ex B/NPDw. I consistently reenforced to her that our marriage was over. I never wavered or gave her false hope. I reiterated that although our marriage is over we need to focus on the areas that have worked for us in the past as parents and business partners.

I was and continue to be extremely careful not to disparage her in front of the kids - or anyone for that matter. Yeah, at times I feel like I went to hell and back dealing with her but I realized that clinging to that story would not help my kids or allow me to move on with life.

I clarified in my mind and on paper exactly what I wanted out of the divorce in terms of the kids, asset division, and continued operation of our business. I achieved most of what I set out to accomplish in these areas - not everything but certainly the most important things.

I started a full-blown reevaluation of my life - from top to bottom. I consider my ex to be one of my greatest teachers. She helped me develop into a better person. She's like Master Pai Mei in Kill Bill II. The scene is entitled "the evil tutelage of Master Pai Mei." Pai Mei is often mean and sadistic but he gets results! I'm mentally stronger and I'm better able to manage my own emotions better because of her.

Wow, congratulations, and thanks for passing on these lessons - they're all very good and I hope they will help other members here!

Matt

[ForeverDad]

Just a footnote since your case is over and the children nearly grown... .

I recently read that On April 1, 2014, the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction went into force in Japan.  Issues and concerns still remain, as one writer put it: Implementation may be frustrated by some basic features of Japanese family law that can be neatly described mathematically: 1+1=1 (in family register math, non-Japanese equal zero, also surnames should match, delays could allow the Japanese parent to establish residency, etc).  So it's an improvement for those whose spouses are Japanese, but how much of an improvement is the question.

[Jai Yen]

Exactly ForeverDad. Japan is still in the dark ages when it comes to outsiders in certain instances. That's why I held on longer than I wanted to for my kids' sake. Totally worth it. All is still going well. I've gotten on with life and have continued to work on myself. I look forward to dating again but I'm also happy with my single-hood and in no huge hurry. I want to make sure I'm ready. My daughter is off to college in August and my son has another year of HS.

I hope all is well with you. Keep providing people with great advice and feel free to message me should someone have a similar situation as mine and is in need of some moral support.

[Matt]

Glad to hear you and your kids are doing well, and best wishes!