I Want to Forget Her...

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of the things that I found strange with my exgf was how she saw love and hate as the same thing.

I said once that I hated my ex wife because she had done something that I cant remember now. My exgf said that she found it really insulting to her as I was supposed to love her but if I hated my ex wife then I obviously still had feelings for her.

I said yes but theyre negative feelings and the exgf said Yes but theyre still feelings.

[enlighten me]

One of the things that I found strange with my exgf was how she saw love and hate as the same thing.

I said once that I hated my ex wife because she had done something that I cant remember now. My exgf said that she found it really insulting to her as I was supposed to love her but if I hated my ex wife then I obviously still had feelings for her.

I said yes but theyre negative feelings and the exgf said Yes but theyre still feelings.

[cosmonaut]

This speaks so directly to my very longterm r/s with my uBPDh. I ignored the horrible behaviors where he would yell and yell and push me so hard verbally and mentally until i'd flip into my hurt child self that lives in my complex PTSD from childhood. He totally knew I had that deep hurt, that deep weakness, and he preyed on it. And I ignored it because I thought somehow my love would help him heal from his wounds... .

It's very hard, isn't it?  When you love someone and yet they are not returning that love.  When you want to be patient and understanding.  Supportive and forgiving.  And that is taken advantage of.  And all of your love becomes your weakness.  It keeps you bound to someone who is hurting you.  Love was never meant to be like this.

I don't believe that pwBPD are fully culpable in their actions either.  I think that their disorder severely compromises their ability to behave with love.  I think much of BPD occurs on a near instinctual level.  I don't believe it is actively, maliciously planned.  Yet, it feels very malicious and incredibly painful.  The actions themselves are abusive regardless of the intent or guilt.  The effects are the same for us on the receiving end. 

I have so much anger toward my ex for how much she has hurt me and for how incredibly cold that she has been.  But I don't hate her.  I think it might be so much easier if I could hate her.  I still worry about her.  I worry if she is taking her meds.  How her seizures are doing.  How she is managing her Crohn's.  If she's using again.  Most of all I worry about her mental health.  I want her to be happy and healthy and well.  Just as you want it for your husband.  It is very hard to love someone who refuses to face their issues.  My ex simply refuses.  She is so profoundly self-destructive.  She's run from everything her entire life and I'm not sure how much hope there is that will ever change.  I pray and I hope that she will, but I doubt.

I'm so sorry to hear about all that your husband has put you through.  These relationships have a way of ripping the lid off very old wounds, don't they?  It has been the same for me.  It has opened a whole can of worms and it's a mess sorting it all out.  I know it is a very painful process.  It's something like an onion, these relationships, there just seems to be a new layer of complications behind every previous layer.

Do pwBPD know what love is?  I don't think so.  At least not as your or I might know love.  Love to a pwBPD is something quite different.  I can't say that I fully understand it, but in reading some of the posts by 2010 and others, it is very needs based love.  It is something for something.  It is completely conditional on having their needs met.  The second that is no longer the case, the love ceases.  Others have descibed it as child-like and I can see something in that too.  Anyway, I very much agree that our BPD partners experience love entirely differently than we do.  I think in some way my ex loved me for a time.  But it was a very shallow love.  A fickle love.  In other words - not true love.

[Elpis]

Stinking painful.

I think much of BPD occurs on a near instinctual level.  I don't believe it is actively, maliciously planned.  Yet, it feels very malicious and incredibly painful.  The actions themselves are abusive regardless of the intent or guilt.  The effects are the same for us on the receiving end. 

I hope that's true, that it's on a more instinctual level. Otherwise, what kind of idiot am I for having put up with what was *abusive*? I couldn't even say the "a" word out loud until recently. But whatever the intent was, the actions and behaviors were the "a" word to me. That's something I'm having a hard time accepting.

These relationships have a way of ripping the lid off very old wounds, don't they?  It has been the same for me.  It has opened a whole can of worms and it's a mess sorting it all out.  I know it is a very painful process.  It's something like an onion, these relationships, there just seems to be a new layer of complications behind every previous layer.

And then you get to the center of the onion and OH LOOK there's a new onion! How does that even work?

I do know I've learned a LOT about myself through all this-- I've faced some truths about my childhood that I guess I hadn't really, and I've learned where that "roll myself into a ball and hope for death" comes from. I've learned that when I suspected all those years ago whether or not what was happening was abusive to me, I was right, and I just let myself be talked out of that to cope. And that I lied to myself a lot to cope.

and that all these realizations don't make you just stop loving somebody.

[Elpis]

Wow. Just read this, seems pertinent: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

":)id he/she ever love me?"

[Split black]

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I've been deep down in the depths of depression.  It's been coming for a while, and now it's here.  And it sucks.  God, it sucks.

I just want to forget her.  I am so frustrated and angry that I can't get rid of her.  I want her gone.  I want her out of my head and out of my heart.  I don't want to remember her anymore.  I don't want to save anything.  There's not a single memory I want to keep.  All those memories, once so precious, are nothing but pain now.  There's not one that brings a smile to my face.  Not one that warms my heart.  Every single one just hurts.  There's nothing worth remembering.  She's destroyed all that.

I'm so sick and tired of this.  I'm tired of her ghost following me everywhere. Sick of dealing with this day after day.  Hour after hour.  I'm exhausted and angry and I want to be done.  I've had enough being miserable all the time.  She's hurt me enough for all eternity.  I'm done.

I bitterly, bitterly regret ever falling in love with her.  I desperately wish that I could go back in time and never even talk to her at all.  God, I am so truly sorry.  I was such a fool and I have paid the price for it in spades.  I can't think of a more pointless experience in all my life than this entire charade has been.  I can't think of one single positive outcome to this trainwreck.  Nothing but agony for everyone involved.  Why did we ever even start anything at all?  The complete and utter futility of it.  How much I sacrificed and sacrificed.  Gave and gave.  Endured and endured.  For what?  Nothing I did made the slightest difference.  She's just as messed up as ever.  I've lost two years of my life, a small fortune, my sanity, and most of all my heart.

She still hasn't said one word, not one single word, to me since abandoning me (and that's exactly what it was - abandonment; yes, the irony is choking).  Her coldness and indifference - her silence - says more than her words ever could.  It says everything about how empty her love really is.  How fickle and fleeting.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  As changing as the wind.  And my unspeakable, monstrous crime to deserve this emotional death penalty?  I loved her.  I truly, truly loved her.  I gave her my love without reservation.  Unconditionally.  Exactly as she is.  I held nothing back.  And that was the beginning of the end of everything.

I could use a little help, everyone.  Point me out of this morass.  How do I get rid of her?  How do I let this go?  How do I move on?

You wont believe this right now because your hurting so badly... .but I SWEAR to you on a life time of experience and a LOT of relationships both long lasting and brief... .that the fact that she has not recycled you is a BLESSING. IF there is a higher power then that entitiy is LOOKING OUT FOR YOU. Because let me tell you... .

I have not been so lucky. Ive been recycled over and over and now Im paying the end game price... .she launching the terror attack of the ages, and one that could literally ruin my reputation and destroy what ever chance I have at reconciling with the mother of my 7 year old.

Because Im addicted to a person and to god knows how many other things in childhood that went unresolved.

You are so lucky. I envy you. 

You will keep breathing... .one day at a time... .and you will find new purpose and new hobbies and ultimately a new relationship.  It may not happen tomorrow... .and your next few trysts may be short term but you will be out there in the game... .

And this nightmare will fade as all things do. Let it die... .thats what your feeling... the true and wonderful death of this person who is not capable of love. Its her loss. No matter what false face shes giving the world.

I have not only felt what you are feeling right now... .but Ive done it to myself over and over and over with each recycling ending WORSE and NASTIER then the original.

My crime... .falling for her and trying to help her do something meaningful with her life. 

You are so lucky. You have no idea. Enjoy your day tomorrow... .  if you were local I would hoist a few with you.

[Split black]

Cosmo we are all individual in how we feel emotions. I am similar to you. I don't believe he will ever leave my heart. It's the first relationship where I felt true love. I'm just learning to live with the acceptance we can't be together. And the way I grieve seems different to others as well. I don't feel any anger or hatred toward my exBPD. I think that's because I understand the disorder. It makes me more vulnerable to him though but I can't force myself to dislike him. He is who he is, and he's done what he's done. I just need to keep NC and stay on my path of self discovery.

( he called last night, I didn't answer but my body went into overdrive) this is what I need to avoid. This is danger.

I think in time feelings fade a bit and then we may feel better. I do feel better than I did 4 months ago, so there's progress there. And I got a new job which I start in a couple of weeks. I'm a different person now because of this experience. I would not have had the strength to move jobs and make these changes in my life if I hadn't met him.

He forced me to look at myself and change what I don't like.

The gift of the borderline. Peace to you 

You are my spirit guide though the next few weeks of the inevitable withdrawal hell Im going to go thru. New number, new everything, walls are up, no way for her to contact... .If you can maintain NC, so can I.  Thank you for being on this board. (( hug ))

[Split black]

I can offer no advice that you haven't already heard. The pain will subside my friend. Stay strong, never surrender even in the darkest hours of the days ahead! The intensity and passion you discovered in this relationship was 50% you and I dare say perhaps 100% you since they only mirror who they are with. There will be a time ahead where you will wake up and recognize only a memory of the painful experience you have endured. When you wilfully conjure it up, you will relive the pain and cry when you want to - but it will no longer envelop you or walk with you throughout your day. There is only one way through, we all move  forward together, drawing on the strength of each other when needed and walk through the flames and stand in the fire with common purpose. Eventually we will all find ourselves purged of the impurities these toxic relationships leave us with.

Stay strong. Always have hope. I await the day when I too can be free of this torment.

Thank you for this... .Im going to need it read it as well over the next month

[Narellan]

Quote from SB " You are my spirit guide though the next few weeks of the inevitable withdrawal hell Im going to go thru. New number, new everything, walls are up, no way for her to contact... .If you can maintain NC, so can I.  Thank you for being on this board. (( hug ))"

 

We are in this together SB. I will be your "sponsor" 

Things will get better for both/ all of us. I know that now. I have true faith in that fact especially after the last few days. I'm feeling better again.

Peace 

[Blimblam]

in response to forgetting them... .

As I am working through the overwhelming feeling in my chest I am finding hidden memories of an BPD exgf from over a decade ago I had tottaly forgotten about.  Ive been carrying around memories of her buried deep in my shame all these years.  I just did not realize it.

If you have seen the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  Well there is a scene where they are trying to erase jim carrys memories of his exgf and he doesn't want to forget so he runs away with her to hide in all his shameful repressed memories.

[cosmonaut]

Wow. Just read this, seems pertinent: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

":)id he/she ever love me?"

Yes, this is a good article and it's very much how I think of my ex.  I'll never know for sure what she was experiencing, but I imagine it was something like this.  It makes me sad.

You are so lucky. You have no idea. Enjoy your day tomorrow... .  if you were local I would hoist a few with you.

Maybe in some ways I'm lucky.  The silent treatment is it's own sort of hell too, though.  It's funny how I'm often jealous of those of you who hear from their exes.  I suppose there is no positive outcome any which way.  It just sucks.  What a miserable disorder.  And a tragic one.

If you have seen the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  Well there is a scene where they are trying to erase jim carrys memories of his exgf and he doesn't want to forget so he runs away with her to hide in all his shameful repressed memories.

It's just about impossible to forget them, isn't it?  Even when you want to.  Even when the memories are only hurting.  I think maybe it really would be best if I could just forget her.  I can't see any point to hanging on the any of the memories of her anymore.  It's not like a normal relationship with a relatively amicable split and the ability to look back with some fondness.  To remember the good times.  It's all been destroyed with my ex.  Everything, even the once beautiful memories, are all tainted now.   It's so depressing.  I actually wish I could just go back in time and undo the whole thing.

[Fish]

cosmo, I have a lot of personal history with this stuff and can tell you that you will never be the person you were again before this happened to you. You will forever be changed by the nightmare. There is no going back to who you were. However, there is the future and in that is great hope.

[Elpis]

We do change, but for me the way I want to choose to change is to be wiser, more compassionate with better boundaries--heck, boundaries at all!

I've uncovered so many things about myself in this process, some of them hard to look at but all valuable.

It's funny, the thing about no contact--since I've spent nearly 38 years of marriage with my uBPDh, since I've left (it's been 5 months now, so bizarre) I've gone from not wanting to see his name come up on my phone EVER to thinking, gee it's been a while, I wonder how he's doing? But i'm choosing what's best for me and letting him do his therapy and whatever else without my interference, and i'm trying to heal from some of the wounding. And much of the wounding would not have happened had I had better boundaries.

[charred]

You are forever changed... it is worse than death in some ways... and it hurts like hell.

What happens is the pwBPD idealizes you... they mirror you and you become attached to them... you idealize them back, put them on a pedestal and become overly attached to them (like the parent you never had instead of just a BF/GF.) Then you are devastated by the breakup and losing your "true love".  It doesn't make sense... because it wasn't reality, it was illusion. Your dreamboat was a shipwreck... and your ego doesn't want to accept that something that felt so strongly... first thing with that powerful of feelings... was anything but true love. Your ego doesn't want to consider the person you put on a pedestal was disordered... your ego sure doesn't want to accept that any part of the bad relationship was your fault... though when depressed you blame yourself for it. When things turned bad... you rationalized all the bad behavior on the pwBPD's part... trying to make sense of it... blaming yourself or giving them the benefit of the doubt.

So... you are changed... you went from not feeling things real deeply in most r/s... to being emotionally over the top... everything intense, the love, the sex the jealousy, the insecurity, the feelings... all strong... and not what you are used to. The pwBPD seemed like they were giving you unconditional love, and that is not what a mature r/s has... that is what an infantile r/s needs. Once the connection happened... you felt a peace and security that was intoxicating. The need you had for that security was great... and your pwBPD gave it to you... most people you would not allow to get that close to you, keep them at a bit of a distance emotionally, but a pwBPD ignores boundaries and gets past the defenses you have to keep yourself safe. Even though you had lots of   along the way, the need for what they gave you was far to strong to put on the brakes or heed the danger signals.

The crash is painful, it is like the death of a parent... only worse, because if your parents were really really good parents, you would not have had the hole inside that the pwBPD seemed to fill, so it was like the death of the "ideal parent you never had"... added to the death of some ego dreams of spending your future with your soul mate. The impact on your ego is to shatter it... the more attached you were, the higher the pedestal you put them and your hopes on, the harder the crash.

Even in losing them, you feel a depth of feeling you haven't had before. After feeling those great and terrible feelings... you should have a hard time going back to being somewhat numb in life. Being numb is not living, feeling feelings both good and bad is. Most the pain after the breakup comes from ruminating ... torturing yourself ... thinking of them, wondering what you could have done different, worrying, imagining a future without them... it is a mix of stuff that is ALL ego driven, and illusion. Accepting reality is hard... living life in your body, feeling your feelings and accepting them is the solution, but is what you and I, and most of us didn't do... and how we ended up keeping people at a distance and feeling somewhat numb, until a disordered person broke past our defenses, seduced, thrilled and devastated us. We made it possible... by being needy and ignoring the numbness that crept in to our lives.

Mindfulness can help you get rumination to quit... and to quiet your anxiety. A therapist can help... and exercising and learning to feel again, experience both good and bad emotions ... and address your needs... is the way back to feeling alive,... not getting back with the disordered person that was your nightmare/wakeup call.

[enlighten me]

One of the best ways I got over my exs is not by forgetting them as you are only delaying the pain but by remembering them.

Remembering all the bad things and turning that pain into anger.

I know people say that anger is bad but in this case its good. If you dwell on whats happened and mope around you will never end the pain. By getting angry you purge all of the what if thoughts from your system. You stop justifying their actions and start condemning them.

Think to yourself what did you actually do wrong to deserve everything they put you through. What could you have been doing with all that time wasted on a relationship that was totally onesided. What could you have done with all the money you wasted on them. (between all of us on this site we could have afforded to cure cancer I bet).

Think about the damage they caused to you, your friends and your family.

GET ANGRY.

Anger and venting are very therapeutic releases. Anger picks you up and makes you want to fight where as dwelling on it leaves you depressed and allows the bad feelings to keep on circulating.

Eventually the anger will wear off but you have to go through it. Don't try and defend them like you probably have done to your friends and family. Your only lying to yourself if you do.

[refusetosuccumb]

 

I am only 11wks out of a 16yr r/s with my ex.  I, too, wanted to forget I ever knew him or gave him my heart.

But I have newly decided that instead of erasing him (which I can't, we have kids together) I am trying to forgive myself and figure out what my r/s with him taught me.

What he taught me:

1. I am my own source of happiness, or unhappiness.  We should never, ever put the responsibility of our own happiness on another person. 

2.  I am one tough cookie.  I lived it, I am surviving it and now I'm trying to thrive.

3.  Life is about learning.  When we feel we are "stuck" it's due to the perceived lack of choices we have imposed on ourselves.  I felt "stuck" the past few years and it was only in my head.  I let myself live in the FOG for way too long (I'm still in it some days, but every day I get a bit further out.  When I get sucked in, I forgive myself and keep on keepin on)

[dupchek4me]

Thank you Elpis for saying these words: WE NEED TO CHOOSE that we know who we are, that we are more than this relationship,

that we are a person with worth JUST BECAUSE WE'RE HERE.

And when we cry--and we must--we need to choose to tell ourselves,

"I am more than this grief." We need to choose to hold onto the fact

that WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. We will live, we will probably even dance again someday!

It doesn't feel like it in the midst of this "dirty grief" but it's true.

I am also 60 and was married - still for now - for 37 years, separated for 2 1/2 and soon divorced finally.  But it still hurts.

Its been awhile since i have posted.   From time to time, i come back to this board and find comfort by reading through experiences so much like mine.  Its good to know that when i am alone, i am not alone when i come here.

I am slowly healing.   I take comfort also knowing that my two beautiful daughters are doing so well.  We left and we are surviving.

Cosmonaut - you will survive all of this and flourish.

Take care all and see you soon.

[Plonko]

In my case I know I'll never forget my borderline ex, I also know I'll never stop loving her. However the most important thing is that I also know I can never see her again as I have to avoid the recycling. I know I mustn't break the NC simply because I still love her. Rather than trying to change how I feel (which I don't think I could do anyway) I'm learning to accept it. Learning to function again while carrying the memories with me. You can't change the past, you can't switch off memories but you can learn to make them work for you.

As has been said earlier in this thread, we won't ever be the same as we were before. I would imagine that nearly everyone on this site can say that they've learned so much from the experiences they've been through, that they know so many more warning signs than they did when they started their BPD relationship. I would say that there are very few people on here that haven't come out the other side better people, stronger people. It isn't obvious straight away but I'm convinced that's what happens.

[peiper]

Writw on a list all the good things about her, then next to it write all ththe bad things. I f tours right now was like mine, the bad things were double.  Try it, it helped me.

[Arminius]

You are forever changed... it is worse than death in some ways... and it hurts like hell.

What happens is the pwBPD idealizes you... they mirror you and you become attached to them... you idealize them back, put them on a pedestal and become overly attached to them (like the parent you never had instead of just a BF/GF.) Then you are devastated by the breakup and losing your "true love".  It doesn't make sense... because it wasn't reality, it was illusion. Your dreamboat was a shipwreck... and your ego doesn't want to accept that something that felt so strongly... first thing with that powerful of feelings... was anything but true love. Your ego doesn't want to consider the person you put on a pedestal was disordered... your ego sure doesn't want to accept that any part of the bad relationship was your fault... though when depressed you blame yourself for it. When things turned bad... you rationalized all the bad behavior on the pwBPD's part... trying to make sense of it... blaming yourself or giving them the benefit of the doubt.

So... you are changed... you went from not feeling things real deeply in most r/s... to being emotionally over the top... everything intense, the love, the sex the jealousy, the insecurity, the feelings... all strong... and not what you are used to. The pwBPD seemed like they were giving you unconditional love, and that is not what a mature r/s has... that is what an infantile r/s needs. Once the connection happened... you felt a peace and security that was intoxicating. The need you had for that security was great... and your pwBPD gave it to you... most people you would not allow to get that close to you, keep them at a bit of a distance emotionally, but a pwBPD ignores boundaries and gets past the defenses you have to keep yourself safe. Even though you had lots of   along the way, the need for what they gave you was far to strong to put on the brakes or heed the danger signals.

The crash is painful, it is like the death of a parent... only worse, because if your parents were really really good parents, you would not have had the hole inside that the pwBPD seemed to fill, so it was like the death of the "ideal parent you never had"... added to the death of some ego dreams of spending your future with your soul mate. The impact on your ego is to shatter it... the more attached you were, the higher the pedestal you put them and your hopes on, the harder the crash.

Even in losing them, you feel a depth of feeling you haven't had before. After feeling those great and terrible feelings... you should have a hard time going back to being somewhat numb in life. Being numb is not living, feeling feelings both good and bad is. Most the pain after the breakup comes from ruminating ... torturing yourself ... thinking of them, wondering what you could have done different, worrying, imagining a future without them... it is a mix of stuff that is ALL ego driven, and illusion. Accepting reality is hard... living life in your body, feeling your feelings and accepting them is the solution, but is what you and I, and most of us didn't do... and how we ended up keeping people at a distance and feeling somewhat numb, until a disordered person broke past our defenses, seduced, thrilled and devastated us. We made it possible... by being needy and ignoring the numbness that crept in to our lives.

Mindfulness can help you get rumination to quit... and to quiet your anxiety. A therapist can help... and exercising and learning to feel again, experience both good and bad emotions ... and address your needs... is the way back to feeling alive,... not getting back with the disordered person that was your nightmare/wakeup call.

For me, what you have written is uncannily relevant. Thank you.