I Want to Forget Her...

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I've been deep down in the depths of depression.  It's been coming for a while, and now it's here.  And it sucks.  God, it sucks.

I just want to forget her.  I am so frustrated and angry that I can't get rid of her.  I want her gone.  I want her out of my head and out of my heart.  I don't want to remember her anymore.  I don't want to save anything.  There's not a single memory I want to keep.  All those memories, once so precious, are nothing but pain now.  There's not one that brings a smile to my face.  Not one that warms my heart.  Every single one just hurts.  There's nothing worth remembering.  She's destroyed all that.

I'm so sick and tired of this.  I'm tired of her ghost following me everywhere. Sick of dealing with this day after day.  Hour after hour.  I'm exhausted and angry and I want to be done.  I've had enough being miserable all the time.  She's hurt me enough for all eternity.  I'm done.

I bitterly, bitterly regret ever falling in love with her.  I desperately wish that I could go back in time and never even talk to her at all.  God, I am so truly sorry.  I was such a fool and I have paid the price for it in spades.  I can't think of a more pointless experience in all my life than this entire charade has been.  I can't think of one single positive outcome to this trainwreck.  Nothing but agony for everyone involved.  Why did we ever even start anything at all?  The complete and utter futility of it.  How much I sacrificed and sacrificed.  Gave and gave.  Endured and endured.  For what?  Nothing I did made the slightest difference.  She's just as messed up as ever.  I've lost two years of my life, a small fortune, my sanity, and most of all my heart.

She still hasn't said one word, not one single word, to me since abandoning me (and that's exactly what it was - abandonment; yes, the irony is choking).  Her coldness and indifference - her silence - says more than her words ever could.  It says everything about how empty her love really is.  How fickle and fleeting.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  As changing as the wind.  And my unspeakable, monstrous crime to deserve this emotional death penalty?  I loved her.  I truly, truly loved her.  I gave her my love without reservation.  Unconditionally.  Exactly as she is.  I held nothing back.  And that was the beginning of the end of everything.

I could use a little help, everyone.  Point me out of this morass.  How do I get rid of her?  How do I let this go?  How do I move on?

[cosmonaut]

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I've been deep down in the depths of depression.  It's been coming for a while, and now it's here.  And it sucks.  God, it sucks.

I just want to forget her.  I am so frustrated and angry that I can't get rid of her.  I want her gone.  I want her out of my head and out of my heart.  I don't want to remember her anymore.  I don't want to save anything.  There's not a single memory I want to keep.  All those memories, once so precious, are nothing but pain now.  There's not one that brings a smile to my face.  Not one that warms my heart.  Every single one just hurts.  There's nothing worth remembering.  She's destroyed all that.

I'm so sick and tired of this.  I'm tired of her ghost following me everywhere. Sick of dealing with this day after day.  Hour after hour.  I'm exhausted and angry and I want to be done.  I've had enough being miserable all the time.  She's hurt me enough for all eternity.  I'm done.

I bitterly, bitterly regret ever falling in love with her.  I desperately wish that I could go back in time and never even talk to her at all.  God, I am so truly sorry.  I was such a fool and I have paid the price for it in spades.  I can't think of a more pointless experience in all my life than this entire charade has been.  I can't think of one single positive outcome to this trainwreck.  Nothing but agony for everyone involved.  Why did we ever even start anything at all?  The complete and utter futility of it.  How much I sacrificed and sacrificed.  Gave and gave.  Endured and endured.  For what?  Nothing I did made the slightest difference.  She's just as messed up as ever.  I've lost two years of my life, a small fortune, my sanity, and most of all my heart.

She still hasn't said one word, not one single word, to me since abandoning me (and that's exactly what it was - abandonment; yes, the irony is choking).  Her coldness and indifference - her silence - says more than her words ever could.  It says everything about how empty her love really is.  How fickle and fleeting.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  As changing as the wind.  And my unspeakable, monstrous crime to deserve this emotional death penalty?  I loved her.  I truly, truly loved her.  I gave her my love without reservation.  Unconditionally.  Exactly as she is.  I held nothing back.  And that was the beginning of the end of everything.

I could use a little help, everyone.  Point me out of this morass.  How do I get rid of her?  How do I let this go?  How do I move on?

[Hopeless777]

You move on the same way we all do... .in agony and pain and suffering and torment, but with resolve that we need to make ourselves better, find our faults and correct them. I long for her too. I miss waking up at 3:30AM and reaching over and touching her naked body sleeping next to me and feeling security in knowing she loves and cares about me. She used to respect me... .she used to think that I was the best person ever, now I'm cast as Satan. Now there's no one there. No companion, no friend, no help mate... .just nothing and emptiness. BUT to wallow in it for too long is to risk losing not just our past, but also our future. I'm 57, two adult kids, and one grandchild. I'm six weeks out and she's suing me for more than I make. I've probably lost my daughter (28) and grandson (2), besides my wife (50), but I've kept my son (25). My wife is so cruel, so I know what you're going through... .me too. BUT we must go on... .its a matter of resolve. The pain burns away impurities. We're refined in the fire with precious metal emerging. Some have been in toxic relationships for only a few years (like you); some have been in toxic relationships for nearly 30 years (like me.) Breakups with a BPD are worse than the death of a spouse. At least they died loving and respecting us. A BPD just hates and hates and hates, most likely us AND themselves. Its only partially about us (I guess we all have some blame), but its mostly about them, and they refuse to self-examine and admit... .they can't even try. So hang in there and know that there IS hope for the hopeless. We are all here for you every day. God bless you and Peace!

[KeepOnGoing]

Feel that anger, baby… and in a healthy productive way.

Go to a batting cage and imagine her face on every single ball. Take a friend with you, and hit those balls until you feel like your arms are going to come out of their sockets.

Put her name on a dozen eggs and thrown each one as hard as you can at a tree and watch them splatter.

Take a tennis racket and beat the %€#¥ out of your mattress.

Cry cry cry cry cry.

Take up running. Run three days a week. That always clears my head. Just get moving, physically.

I was just thinking this morning that kickboxing would be a great one about now.

Then I have to get out if myself and be of maximum service to someone else who needs and appreciates it. 

I'm listening to lots and lots and lots of Podcasts about the healing process. I'm having to stay away from Podcasts that keep wallowing in the mess. I'm now needing to listen to solutions.

Hope this helps.

Hope this helps.

[enlighten me]

Cosmonaut your already on the road to recovery. I know it may seem hard at the moment but believe me your on the way.

When my ex wife left me I was working in Afghanistan. I had no idea it was coming and couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't call around and see her she wouldn't answer my calls, emails or Skype. I hadn't got a clue what was going on and she did such a good job at isolating me that there was no-one I could ask.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I could barely function doing my job. I was a complete mess. I lost about two stone in two weeks. I would find somewhere quiet away from everyone and just cry. I had never felt pain like it.

I slowly pulled myself together and five weeks after her dumping me I went home. When I saw her she told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me and it was over. I went back to work a few weeks later and nothing much changed.

When I next got home I decided I wanted a divorce. I went around to tell her this and she broke down and told me the guy she had been seeing had raped her and she wanted us to try again. She suggested couples therapy so foolishly I agreed. Everything seemed to be going well. I then went back to work and within a day of leaving she dumped me again. Now I thought that I had gone through pain before but this was even worse. She then said she was divorcing me. Yet again I was a broken man.

I couldn't work out what had happened. I didn't know about BPD or anything.

When I next got home I tried talking to her but she was with someone else by now. She met him online and twelve days after she had dumped me he came down to visit her. I went to see the therapist we had seen and she said the best thing I could do was forget about her. She also asked why I thought she had behaved the way she had. I said that I think she had a mental disorder to which the therapist said I agree. We then spent the next couple of years going through a very messy and expensive divorce. We have two sons and she used these constantly as weapons.

Eventually I went through the devastation, anger, guilt, pity and reached indifference.

I can now speak to her without being bothered by what she has done.

Funny thing though she re married six days ago and three days ago I got an email about when I would be picking up the boys and asking if we could talk. I asked why? What was up and eventually she said "Im just useless, nothing I do is right, whats the point of me" So Mr wonderful isn't now so wonderful and Im back in the cross hairs for her to try and recycle.

It is hard. The only way that I think you could be put through so much pain would be to lose a child.

You need to stop blaming yourself get rid of any self pity and turn it into anger. Use the anger constructively. Get you screw you head on and go out and show her your not a broken man. Do things you want to. If you can afford it go and do that thing you've always wanted to. Maybe its a skydive or learning to scuba dive. Make it impressive and post it on facebook so if she is stalking you she will see that your not that timid man she left behind. She may never see it but the thought of her seeing you like that will feel good.

Avoid wallowing in self pity and drinking. You need a clear head to see the logic of the situation.

Keep reminding yourself how bad it was everytime you think you would be better off with her.

One day you will not even think about her.

[I Am]

Hang in there cosmonaut.  I know it sounds trite but follow the advice.  embrace the feelings.  play sports,music whatever your outlet is.  truly feel it and be done with it for good that way.  Running from it just delays the inevitable.  The sooner you cry, run, through it the sooner you get over her for good.  You got this!  Just keep taking one little step at a time and it will get better.  Not overnight but it will.  You will look up in a week or so and will have had a pretty good day without thinking of her at all...   Be gentle with yourself and keep your head up!

[Caredverymuch]

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I've been deep down in the depths of depression.  It's been coming for a while, and now it's here.  And it sucks.  God, it sucks.

I just want to forget her.  I am so frustrated and angry that I can't get rid of her.  I want her gone.  I want her out of my head and out of my heart.  I don't want to remember her anymore.  I don't want to save anything.  There's not a single memory I want to keep.  All those memories, once so precious, are nothing but pain now.  There's not one that brings a smile to my face.  Not one that warms my heart.  Every single one just hurts.  There's nothing worth remembering.  She's destroyed all that.

I'm so sick and tired of this.  I'm tired of her ghost following me everywhere. Sick of dealing with this day after day.  Hour after hour.  I'm exhausted and angry and I want to be done.  I've had enough being miserable all the time.  She's hurt me enough for all eternity.  I'm done.

I bitterly, bitterly regret ever falling in love with her.  I desperately wish that I could go back in time and never even talk to her at all.  God, I am so truly sorry.  I was such a fool and I have paid the price for it in spades.  I can't think of a more pointless experience in all my life than this entire charade has been.  I can't think of one single positive outcome to this trainwreck.  Nothing but agony for everyone involved.  Why did we ever even start anything at all?  The complete and utter futility of it.  How much I sacrificed and sacrificed.  Gave and gave.  Endured and endured.  For what?  Nothing I did made the slightest difference.  She's just as messed up as ever.  I've lost two years of my life, a small fortune, my sanity, and most of all my heart.

She still hasn't said one word, not one single word, to me since abandoning me (and that's exactly what it was - abandonment; yes, the irony is choking).  Her coldness and indifference - her silence - says more than her words ever could.  It says everything about how empty her love really is.  How fickle and fleeting.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  As changing as the wind.  And my unspeakable, monstrous crime to deserve this emotional death penalty?  I loved her.  I truly, truly loved her.  I gave her my love without reservation.  Unconditionally.  Exactly as she is.  I held nothing back.  And that was the beginning of the end of everything.

I could use a little help, everyone.  Point me out of this morass.  How do I get rid of her?  How do I let this go?  How do I move on?

Cosmonaut, We do it one day at a time. This site is so unique because we are all on the same journey and there is so much support here.  Please read every post you are able to from member 2010. These posts, like so very many insightful and supportive others, have helped me understand so much. Keep posting and reading taking special notice of the more senior members who have gotten further along in their healing and how much they keep us going with their recommendations until we get there too.  Tomorrow is another day. And every day there after is one step closer.

[LettingGo14]

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I've been deep down in the depths of depression.  It's been coming for a while, and now it's here.  And it sucks.  God, it sucks.

Hey cosmonaut -- I am sorry you are in deep pain.  You are not alone, my friend.

There are many things to work with here, in this stage, even though it feels like the darkness will never end.

The Kubler-Ross model of grieving, with 5 stages, has depression at #4, the final stage before acceptance.   Yet, I'll admit that "stages" looked good on paper to me, but did very little to relieve the reality of suffering, so I went on a quest to find things that resonated.

If I was able, I'd give you the collage of the things that resonated with me -- (1) the concept of abandonment depression, (2) the ideas surrounding a trauma bond, (3) the power of meditation to hold difficult emotions, (4) the idea that I held the power to release myself from agony, (5) the realization that I was not alone, (6) the need to "feel" the emotions and stop asking why it happened, (7) the stages of abandonment pain, (8) the remembering, repeating, and working through in therapy, (9) the idea that we cannot take suffering personally, because it is universal (as a poet says, "people die young, fail at love, fail of their ambitions... .", etc.

Yet, it's all a process, and the mix of healing ingredients will differ from person to person.  

I'd like to offer a couple thoughts:

(1) It's impossible to erase your mind.  Yet, it is possible to frame and re-frame, and make things less radioactive.   What we repress, will express.  And, what we resist, will persist.   Someone once told me that if meditation could be summed up in a single phrase, it would be "let go."  I had no idea how to do that, but it became a mantra for me, and the lessons accumulated.

(2) The end of these relationships activate what some people call our "existential fears" which include rejection, abandonment, and inadequacy.   We internalize the pain, and depression occurs when we unceasingly criticize and question ourselves.  We have a self-injury, and we are merciless in judging ourselves.

(3) Our pain is a teacher.  It stays with us until we learn it is our pain to own, feel, and release.  Our intelligence doesn't dictate our behavior here, our emotions do.  And emotions must be felt -- rather than indulged, or repressed, or ignored.

We are in this together, my friend.  There is a way out -- and it is THROUGH the despair.  Moment by moment, and day by day.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Cosmonaut - I'm with you.  Word for word.  (Except I didn't lose a small fortune.)  I want to forget him too.  I am also so tired of feeling this way day after day.  I'm frustrated with myself too.  Maybe the depression comes when we finally give up.  When we give up the hopes and dreams and denial.  When we realize they really don't care.  When we give up trying to get over it.  When we give up trying to control or change our feelings about it.  That's pretty much where I'm at.  Maybe it is part of acceptance.  I don't know.  Just hoping there's something better on the other side of this.

[Emelie Emelie]

Letting Go you posted while I was writing.  Great advice (as always).

[myself]

These kinds of depths, you can't make it back the way you came. You have to keep pressing on, keep going, and you'll find your way through. The best way is to face it. Be honest. Feel your feelings. Focus on your strengths. The saying "It's darkest before the dawn" applies. It's coming. Reach for it.

[Turkish]

Cosmo, I'm glad you posted. It takes courage to reach out from the depths of depression. Truthfully, the "me" ten years ago wouldn't have done it. Depression is a monster which feeds on itself and grows when left alone. The silent treatment must be horrible, and you know it's another form of abuse and control. It's so cruel.

My uBPDx once told me that she wanted everyone else to feel her pain. When we are abandoned like most of us here, we take that pain with us, and are left alone, being tortured by our own thoughts .

Even before mine started actively detaching, I felt so alone and depressed that I felt like taking off into the hills in the cold night. No phone, little clothing, to let the elements take me... .I thought this a lot.

It was a dark time, and the darker times arrived later over the past year and a half. We get help, we soldier on. The depressions cycle. It'll get better, then worse again... .then better. Face the monster. Validate it, because it really is a remnant (or revenant) of our pwBPD. Visualize it, confront it, and maybe use the tools here for whom you so caringly refer the newbies in pain. Then LC, NC, whatever works against that beast. It will come back to recycle. But that's it, not you.

Last of all, validate yourself. You are worth it.

Turkish

[Arminius]

Your post resonates with me as it does with others. There is little I can add to the excellent responses above but I will say that you, like me, DID gain from this awful experience.

We have both gained insight. Insight in to the BPD personality and how it can damage us, and insight in to ourselves.

I'm in my late 40s (looking good though ;0 ... .) and im only now realising WHY I was attracted to the kind of person she was... .I needed to validate myself. She was another trinket, something that appealed to me because she reflected my deepest needs and desires.

She wasnt real. I have to now accept that the 'relationship' was just a series of experiences, some good, some phenomenal, some bad and some destructive.

I am (and you will be) better equipped for the future to make good choices and enforce proper boundaries. As an example, I could never again accept a partner telling me that they didnt like my daughter because she reminded them of my ex wife. I took that. I cant belive it but i did. No 'normal' woman would say that and no healthy man would accept it.

We will all be stronger. Stay here, read lots, see the parallels to your own situation and KNOW you are not alone.

A therapist once said to me that life has enough room for 200 years. Think on that and interpret as you will. It was a statement that made me think long and hard about time... .using, wasting or regretting. (As an aside then T added that the second half of life is better because we dont need to soend time to learn to walk, talk etc, so we can just enjoy!)

[camuse]

Thanks for posting Cosmo. I feel the same as you. So much time and energy wasted thinking about her, while she moves on without a second thought.

It's frustrating, but I'm a better person than her. Hurting is normal, and I will survive eventually, while she is doomed to a life of self-loathing.

I wish too that there was a button I could press and just erase all memory of her, but that's not how the mind works in a normal person.

With no contact, I know this dark feeling will fade. Eventually I won't think of her at all, and neither will you. Eventually I will wonder how I ever wasted so much time thinking about her, but it will take time. There's no need to rush it, take it a day and an hour at a time and remember these feelings are part of a recovery process. Each dark feeling is her memory passing out of my mind, like a drug being purged from my system. Eventually she will be gone for good.

But I know how miserable it is in the meantime. You are among friends

[Elpis]

Cosmonaut--

I don't even know what to say. The depression thing sucks, it swallows us up and wastes our days. And yet it is part of the process.

My T said that the grieving process isn't strictly linear, that we can experience the stages all jumbled up, more than one at a time, all of them one day, however we experience them we end up going through them.

I've always struggled with depression. I've blamed myself for being weak, for not appreciating life, blah blah blah. But the truth of it is, those of us who experience our emotions in a deeper way are usually the artists and creative ones, and the ones who love with the most gusto.

i'm 60 now, which is so hard for me to believe. But that's been enough time for me to see the differences in grief. When my parents died I experienced a dirty grief, one that was full of the burrs and sticks of how they had treated me so unlovingly. When my sister died 2 years ago it was a very different grief--it was a clean grief. We loved each other, we accepted each other's differences and faults and quirks. She was my older sister and the weight that held me to the earth. When she died I felt so lost, grieved so hard, but it was different because it didn't hold all the unresolved hurts there were with my parents... .it was CLEAN grief.

I think the problem with those of us grieving these truly difficult relationships is that it's the dirty grief kind. So many burrs in the cloth of it, so many holes we couldn't mend. The unresolved carries more lingering pain and anguish.

WE NEED TO CHOOSE that we know who we are, that we are more than this relationship, that we are a person with worth JUST BECAUSE WE'RE HERE. And when we cry--and we must--we need to choose to tell ourselves, "I am more than this grief." We need to choose to hold onto the fact that WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. We will live, we will probably even dance again someday! It doesn't feel like it in the midst of this "dirty grief" but it's true.

There IS another end to this tunnel, and we need to choose to believe it's there.

I don't know if you're a praying man, but i'm gonna pray for you.

Elpis

[charred]

When I was dumped the first time 28 yrs ago by my exBPDgf... I was devastated, we were planning to marry, I wasn't aware of a problem... was about done with college, had my own business, friends, and hope for the future. She took up with one of my neighbors... hung on him in my sight... I had to leave to keep from killing myself or her or him. Left everything... thought it was me, lost hope... went from on top of the world, to broke, 1500 miles from home and living in my car jobless.

And all of it was pointless... 5 yrs ago... she contacted me... and recycled... and I found out that she didn't care about the other guy... just freaked out at the thought of marriage... found out she was BPD (officially diagnosed)... but didn't run though I had been badly burned once already. I got a divorce, lost more than 1/2 of what I owned... hurt my kid, pissed off family... and had her back. Was great for 4 months... then started being terrible again... we recycled 6-7 times. Finally I ended it... having been hurt again.

I can't forget her... but it doesn't bother me much anymore. I quit idealizing her and expecting the impossible.

Saw a T... who pointed me to mindfulness... living in the moment. That made a huge difference... if you are in pain you are probably ruminating, thinking about what was and imagining a future without her... rather than staying in the present. You can not get sucked very deeply in to a BPD r/s in the present... most of the illusion is ignoring the present and drifting off in their spell. My exBPDgf long ago was a cute little bouncy sexy thing... and she would say something about how smart I was or wonderful... with no basis for it... and because I wanted to hear it... I didn't question it. After a while that idealizing seemed like the unconditional love I didn't have as a little kid (waif BPD mother)... and without realizing it... she became a primary relationship figure to me... like the perfect mother I never had... except she wasnt'... she was a disordered nearly crazy woman.

She was clingy... like I was going to leave her... and I thought it was absurd... didn't question WHY she acted that way... it was her disorder... and I was naive... just like I thought I was the only one, the true love... etc. When she was an angry hater... she was 100% consistent... scary angry, like she could kill me made... like Jodi Arias in person.

Anyway, all those years later I finally started being mindful and staying in the present when dealing with her... questioning the wildly excessive compliments when they had no basis ... not backing down from fact based arguments... and tracking calls, emails and demanding proof of anything that sounded like a lie... within a few weeks it was over... and I didn't feel destroyed, I felt relieved... sad it didn't work out... .but she lacked the one thing I had to have to keep staying in the r/s... integrity. Thinking of her as a stunted 3yr old emotionally, who was a psuedo-mom substitute... really stopped the pining for her.

To radically accept the truth... that she was a nightmare, not my dream girl, that she was disordered... also meant accepting that I was somehow 1/2 the r/s... and at first I thought I was a "non"... then I realized I had issues... quite possibly schizoid... as I was so detached and numb. She brought back feeling (like a knife being stuck in you would)... and happiness at times... and I couldn't go back to the bland. So still seeing a T, and still doing mindfulness, and actually starting to enjoy life a bit.

She isnt' going to be cured, doesn't admit a problem, and if she were cured, I would still trigger all the wrong things... had to accept that it was never happening and move on. Good luck... its hard as hell. But gets better.

[Xstaticaddict]

She still hasn't said one word, not one single word, to me since abandoning me (and that's exactly what it was - abandonment; yes, the irony is choking).  Her coldness and indifference - her silence - says more than her words ever could.  It says everything about how empty her love really is.  How fickle and fleeting.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  As changing as the wind.  And my unspeakable, monstrous crime to deserve this emotional death penalty?  I loved her.  I truly, truly loved her.  I gave her my love without reservation.  Unconditionally.  Exactly as she is.  I held nothing back.  And that was the beginning of the end of everything.

I could use a little help, everyone.  Point me out of this morass.  How do I get rid of her?  How do I let this go?  How do I move on?

First off I felt every single thing you just said above. The sense of betrayal being utterly shut out and dropped by someone who said they adored me and referred to me as her man. It's the worst thing i've ever experienced in my life. I've had that exact thought that the reason this happened was because i loved her. So i examined my love. Turns out it wasn't unconditional at all. The condition was, you get my love the way i can give it (which was not entirely healthy), and I expected love similarly or even more generous in return. The thing was with me, i bought into a relationship as being a safe place to be vulnerable and grow with another person, yet i didn't do the up front work to make sure i chose a partner that could even understand that concept enough to buy into it, and i ignored all the actual behaviors that showed me that she was in fact adverse to being vulnerable with me and being a partner to me. SO when i feel that i'm a victim of her choice to abandon me because i loved her, i have to take my own limitations in understanding into account too. I didn't get that my "unconditional love" was actually a commodity of behaviors that i was trying to trade for 1) stability in the present and future 2) consideration 3) respect 4)sexual expression and probably a lot of other expectations i held of her that had i truly accepted who she was, i would have never been able to convince myself were possible, since her actions were real and her words assuring me of what i wanted were just words.

I don't want to feel like a victim of her memory anymore either, so now i make choices to do things for me. Often i have to push myself hard to do this and break out of the depression and inaction of sinking into self pity and hopelessness. That selfishness is leading to new experiences and relationships and opportunities to connect with really cool people, and those interactions and engagements are the times that i don't think about her at all.

I always find it frustrating when i want something. Try to use desires as a pointer to realize there's always a process involved between want and attainment. I want things that i don't have and that are beyond my immediate capacity to understand how to get, so it leads to frustration.

The cool thing is once it becomes automatically understood that as soon as you feel desire you can be assured you need to use patience because instant gratification is rarely possible, then the whole emotional context changes from the "i want it now" mentality of the BPDex to "what can i do in this moment to move towards a better now"

Attachment to wanting things to be different is attachment to delusion. Future tripping. I spent most of my adult life doing this and being very angry and disappointed in my present because of it.

This is what's been working for me although she's still there in my mind (and may always be) her impact on my days and my body are all lessening:

-Working out lots

-Meditate

-Take up a hobby or skill that requires focus (i chose dance and poker)

-Practice sitting and breathing through feelings about your ex

-Working

-Setting goals for improved quality of life (IE this month i will learn about nutrition and cook healthy meals for myself, or this month I will visit a place i've always wanted to go)

-pushing comfort zones (talk to people more during your day, and start up conversations with people you normally wouldn't, ask more questions about how others are doing and what's going well or not so well in their lives)

All of these things will help but it takes a while and it takes a shift in mindset to actually do them consistently.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi cosmonaut,

I'm sorry, my brother. I think the short answer is to feel without going back into the torture chamber.  That's where I am at.  The torture chamber is where you basically ruminate and squeeze yourself to death inside for not being able to stop it all, undo it all, and mostly for not being able to no longer feel about it.  The part that demands to no longer feel and gets so angry and desperate... .that's what's killin you.  That's what's adding so much to what's already there.  Feeling the pain hurts, but it comes in and out on a wave.  The torture is what we do to ourselved *because* we feel.  But feeling is good.  It is where we find out who we are and what we value.

I know it hurts and you wish you could be done having any feeling about her whatsoever. But then you wouldnt be you.  You would be like her.  Shackles of iron, like her.

I'm with you.  Hang in there.  Have compassion on yourself, and allow the pain to walk with you and leave as it pleases.  Your love is what makes you of good character and bright light.  That is no crime.  That's what makes you alive rather than a dead husk.  Her's is the crime, not yours!

[Frankcostello]

We all go through the stage where we want to forget our BPD ex.  It took me about a year, not to forget about my exBPDgf but to accept what had happened and move on.  Some of the things she did to me were devastating because I have always tried to look at the good in people but it was a wake up call for me.  All the lies, deceit, blame that my exBPDgf did to me was horrible but it took me about a year to realize and accept while I am not perfect, I know I have a conscience.  You will get to a place where you don't necessarily forget your ex BPD but you will accept what happened and move on.  You may even be glad and grateful as I am that they are no longer part of your life like they used to be.  When you can accept what happened and move on, then you know you are at a different point in your healing process.  You may never forget about them because you like I have a conscience, but you can accept what happened and let it go,

[Narellan]

Hi Cosmo ... .Big hugs to you   

I have no advice to you but I am there with you. Every day is a struggle. When I'm not profoundly sad I'm numb. I still cry every day and it's been 4 months. Some days I think I may need to see a dr and get on some antidepressants, but I have decided to give myself a bit more time first. I'm just going through all the feelings and doing what I need to do. I have started to push myself to do a bit more, like gardening which gives me small satisfaction. Better than numb. I've withdrawn myself socially and really I'm just stabilising myself.

Being on here helps me greatly.

You're not alone in this. 

[kiwimitch]

Oh mate, I read your response,, to that other poor chap,, and your story lept out at me,,  I was with my one for a year,, ,,  but you mention 30 years and a family with it !

And you are so so right... .  this is worse than a death... .I was happily married to my college sweetheart, and she was killed in a car accident one day when I was at work, I was left with 3 daughters to bring up on my own... .  That was many years ago... .  But this relationship I have just come out of... .that I was in for a year,,  has been far more gut-wrenching. Hell, I did not even know what borderline disorder was before... .   

I sure do now... .   

Just as you say... .  the hatred just grew and grew, and I did so so much for her... .  it is almost like she wanted to destroy it... .  And the crazy part is, the day I had to kick her out, she cried and cried.  It was all my fault... . 

Of course my own pain still hurts, but it sounds like you have certainly been through the wringer... .   

I hope you come through... Thank you for what you share... .

[kiwimitch]

Opps I was replying to "hopeless 777"  ... .  I must of pushed the wrong key... .  Oh well,  I hope what I wrote helps anyone that reads it... . 

We are all in the same boat... .

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, everyone.  I really appreciate the advice and encouragement.  It really does help to talk with all of you.  I knew bpdfamily would come through.  You guys are great.

I'm at the point where I simply want to be done.  I think you are right, Emilie - this is hope being extinguished.  That's really sunk in now.  There won't be any miracles after all.  She's not going to call.  She's not going to show up at my door.  She's not sorry.  She's not coming back.  And I'm not even sure I could ever take her back now.  The damage has been done and it's extreme.  She has shattered my heart and I don't know when it will ever heal. There was a time I would have moved Heaven and Earth for her.  I would have done anything for our relationship.  Made any sacrifice.  Paid any price.  I would have done anything for her.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I just want to be done.

I am so frustrated that I remain in love with her.  I don't want to be in love with her anymore.  I'm amazed at how much I still love her after how cold and cruel she has been.  I know she's very sick.  I know this is the disorder, but her actions are still so cruel.  It doesn't make much difference on the receiving end whether or not she means any harm, it hurts just the same.  I'm tired of hurting.  I've been aching for six months now and it feels more like six years.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to love her anymore.

How do you just turn that off, though?  I have no idea how to do that.  I'm not built like her.  I can't flip a switch and shut it all down.  Love isn't meant to die.  It isn't meant to disappear.  God intended love to endure. To last and to nourish.  To heal and give life.  And maybe that means that this wasn't love.  And if it wasn't love than what was it?  And why did I think it was love - indeed the truest of love?  How did it seem so real?  How did it seem like the most real thing I had ever known?

I have been working as hard as I can on rebuilding myself.  I am exercising like crazy.  I'm seeing my therapist every week.  Taking my meds.  Throwing myself into work and seeing huge progress there.  Taking some significant steps to advance my career.  I am doing all of these things, and yet she remains.  She haunts me.  I feel like I'm obsessed.  She continually intrudes into my thoughts and my dreams - uninvited and unwelcome.  I want her to leave.  I want to be left in peace.  There is no good that can come of carrying her around with me anymore.  She has to go, just as she left long ago physically.

Thanks again for all of your posts, everyone.  I have read them all and I will try to take your advice.  I'll write more soon.

[Narellan]

Cosmo we are all individual in how we feel emotions. I am similar to you. I don't believe he will ever leave my heart. It's the first relationship where I felt true love. I'm just learning to live with the acceptance we can't be together. And the way I grieve seems different to others as well. I don't feel any anger or hatred toward my exBPD. I think that's because I understand the disorder. It makes me more vulnerable to him though but I can't force myself to dislike him. He is who he is, and he's done what he's done. I just need to keep NC and stay on my path of self discovery.

( he called last night, I didn't answer but my body went into overdrive) this is what I need to avoid. This is danger.

I think in time feelings fade a bit and then we may feel better. I do feel better than I did 4 months ago, so there's progress there. And I got a new job which I start in a couple of weeks. I'm a different person now because of this experience. I would not have had the strength to move jobs and make these changes in my life if I hadn't met him.

He forced me to look at myself and change what I don't like.

The gift of the borderline. Peace to you 

[LostGhost]

All of these experiences resonate with me. The wisdom and guidance from those who are further ahead on the path to healing and recovery than us really is invaluable.

When the 13 year relationship with my ex-wife ended, I adamantly refused to believe that things would get better. I heard the words of others but nothing convinced me. I found myself entering several levels of a personal hell that I had to crawl and scrape my way out of. I would sleep on the floor of my closet because I couldn't stand the memories of the bedroom or the house. I would cry until my tear ducts were barren. I'd wail and scream at God and the universe about the unfairness. I never resorted to drugs or alcohol but I was strung out on powerful prescription medication.

I signed up for meditation and yoga which taught me to accept my emotions, hold them and acknowledge them but don't judge or analyze them. Eventually after about a year of this pain, it subsided. And my lost love was replaced by an even greater love, one with my now expwBPDgf. I thought my destiny was unfolding before me at last, a reward from the universe for suffering intolerable pain and surviving. 6 months of heaven followed by a month of bizarre hot/cold treatment, then abandoned me to be with her ex.

I entered that personal hell again but this time I was equipped with the knowledge and experience of what I'd previously done battle with.

I can offer no advice that you haven't already heard. The pain will subside my friend. Stay strong, never surrender even in the darkest hours of the days ahead! The intensity and passion you discovered in this relationship was 50% you and I dare say perhaps 100% you since they only mirror who they are with. There will be a time ahead where you will wake up and recognize only a memory of the painful experience you have endured. When you wilfully conjure it up, you will relive the pain and cry when you want to - but it will no longer envelop you or walk with you throughout your day. There is only one way through, we all move  forward together, drawing on the strength of each other when needed and walk through the flames and stand in the fire with common purpose. Eventually we will all find ourselves purged of the impurities these toxic relationships leave us with.

Stay strong. Always have hope. I await the day when I too can be free of this torment.

[camuse]

A friend told me I was acting as if someone had died. But in some ways, it's much worse than a bereavement - there is no closure, no understanding, they are still there somewhere, it's not the normal accepted way of things and no one understands. A bereavement I could handle.

Don't under estimate what you have been through. It is hell. It will take some recovering from, but you will do it, and then you will have come through something awful, ultimately ok. Then you will be so much stronger. Just hang in there, whatever it takes to get through each day, until the pain begins to subside.

[Caredverymuch]

A friend told me I was acting as if someone had died. But in some ways, it's much worse than a bereavement - there is no closure, no understanding, they are still there somewhere, it's not the normal accepted way of things and no one understands. A bereavement I could handle.

This is quite true and perhaps the most difficult thing about so much of this grief process.  It is indeed the most heart aching type of grief. Because you literally "lost" someone you loved so very much. With no closure at all.  And they are still "here."  You see them or hear from acquaintances about the things they are doing.  And you are going through such immense grief. While their lives proceed, in a way that makes it appear... .quite happy.  It's extremely painful. It's one sided bereavement with layers of hurt, confusion, anguish, hope and ultimately, true abandonment.

I recall being in the depths of despair about a month after he left and seeing my ex. He was literally grieving. He had no idea I could see him in the location we both happened to be in. He looked just the way we all have looked at those moments. Complete despair, alone, almost catatonic, pale, somber, sobbing. I went to him. I sat with him and we sobbed together. He said he was grieving as hard as I was. The loss of us. That it was horrible. Worse than any pain he could ever imagine and no pain that even God would want a person to endure. I was keeping NC at that time and would not take the baits at recycle attempts. You see, I thought that absence makes the heart grow fonder and allows one time to realize what they are losing.  Not with BPD.  Because I now understand the d/o, he was indeed grieving. His abandonment fear was pronounced because I was "gone" in his mind. I would not take the immature recycle baiting attempts. And he still needed that supply desperately.

They are terrified of real or perceived abandonment. Even though he left me. See how twisted this is? Absence, to a BPD, makes the heart grow colder.

As we departed, we held one another. Dried our tears. Such relief. He said he would be in touch and it was so incredible that I had found him. Did I hear from him?  No. I saw him a week later. Of course initiated by me.  He was happier than a lark. I was still dying inside with despair and missing him beyond. Mind you seven days prior he was catatonic, sobbing, and looked like he should be admitted. A few weeks later, I learned he was trying desperately to gain new supply. From just about anyone that would take his seductive attempts.

And he found it.

And I was, just like the rest of you, grieving so hard for the man I loved with all I of my heart and being. He picked right up with someone new. Then froze me out for good. And how mean and truly cold hearted he was to me thereafter. While I continued to grieve so hard. Shock and disbelieve I would say I was enduring.

The stages of grief do not apply to BPD's.

NC is the only way for those of us who are not disordered to get through our very real grieving process. And like so many have stated here, it does get better when you stay NC. And reading here helps very much when you are hurting. It truly makes me stronger and promotes more and more healing each time I read posts here. Therapy, taking care of YOU. Learning about yourself in a new way and realizing why you were a part of that toxic interaction.  These are the things that help the process so very much. Don't blame yourself or try to understand that which the heart cannot. The heart never will.

We were with mentally ill, disordered partners.  Say that to yourself over and over again when you feel yourself going down the hole of despair. I do. And I say thank you God that I am not mentally ill and disordered. I don't throw caring people away. I don't hurt others over and over. I don't play games that benefit only me. Thank you that I am not BPD. Help me learn from my pain, God. Show me what I need to learn from this interaction. And bring peace one day to the man I loved. I loved that man very much and my love was not the answer. Our answers are here.

Be gentle with yourself. If you are sad, cry. You lost someone that you loved. Cry, then move on. Stay with the emotion just love enough to honor it. But do not let it consume you. We are incredible, loving, caring people who know how to give and receive love. Better days are ahead. So much better!

[cosmonaut]

I very much agree with you, Hopeless and and camuse - this is worse than a death.  As you said, Hopeless, when your partner dies at least you can continue to carry them in your heart.  At least you parted loving each other.  With pwBPD they have to burn everything behind them.  No bridge can be left standing.  Everything has to be torn down on the way out.  There are so many more complications than simply losing this person you loved.  It's the messiest sort of break up.  There is indeed no closure, no answers, no reason.  It's pure distilled chaos.  The results of a deeply disordered mind.

I think back to the time in the first few weeks of dating my ex when her mother gave me an ominous warning regarding my ex.  She told me to be careful.  That my ex had been kicked out of every home she'd ever lived in.  That she's burned every bridge she'd ever had.  That she has very serious problems with relationships.  That all of them "walked on eggshells" around her.  In retrospect, I am floored thinking about what this was saying.  I don't know if her mother knew things she never told me, but if she didn't know about BPD she had it nailed except for the name.  Her mother told me she just wanted me to know "what I was getting into".  At the time, I assured her that I knew and that I was going in with my eyes open.  That I understood how troubled my ex was (and is), and I still wanted to be with her anyway.   I had NO idea what I was getting involved with.  I thought I knew.  I thought I could handle it.  I was wrong.  And I got burned.  Badly.  I had no idea how doomed it was from the very start.  I had no idea how hopeless and futile any attempt at a lasting relationship would be.  I had no idea how much it would crush me when the inevitable final act came.

I ignored about five trillion red flags.  There were red alert warnings from the very start, and yet I persisted.  Her own family warned me about her.  Her mother.  Her sister.  Her step-father.  My therapist thought it was a terrible idea to be dating my ex.  I ignored them all.  I almost quit seeing my therapist I got so angry at her once because of something she said about my ex.  I defended her to everyone.  I suppose I idolized her too, as she once idolized me.  I saw the good in her and I ignored the bad.  I explained it away.  She's troubled.  She's had a terrible life.  She's traumatized.  She's sick.  I believed all of that.  I thought that the craziness and the instability all had some other external explanation other than me.  I had no idea that it was me who was the trigger.  I was the source.  Somehow I never saw that. 

I was so certain of our love.  I knew, just knew, that our love would conquer anything.  Our love was so strong, so powerful that we could face anything together and overcome it.  All of her myriad problems could never prevent that ultimate triumph.  I believed that with every fiber of my being.  That has turned out to be a very foolish belief.  I felt the emotion and ignored the behaviors.  But love isn't an emotion.  Love is a pattern of behavior.  It is a way of living and relating.  Emotion is only a portion of love, and the weakest portion; it isn't love itself.  I was so hung up on how I felt about my ex and how she made me feel, that I was willing to accept behaviors that were anything but loving.  Indeed many were the exact opposite of love.

[Turkish]

I ignored about five trillion red flags.  There were red alert warnings from the very start, and yet I persisted.  Her own family warned me about her.  Her mother.  Her sister.  Her step-father.

Her parents warned me when I asked them to marry her, but I chalked it up to culture, as the parents sadly point out the flaws of the daughters when this happens. No good traits.

My therapist thought it was a terrible idea to be dating my ex.  I ignored them all.  I almost quit seeing my therapist I got so angry at her once because of something she said about my ex.  I defended her to everyone.

Are you sure you were so much defending her or defending yourself?

[cosmonaut]

Her parents warned me when I asked them to marry her, but I chalked it up to culture, as the parents sadly point out the flaws of the daughters when this happens. No good traits.

I thought that her mother was overreacting too.  I don't know that I fully believed what she was saying.  In fact, I'm sure I didn't.  I knew my ex and her mother had an extremely complicated relationship and her mother is no saint.  I thought it was, at least in part, family drama.  In retrospect, I think she was giving me very sincere advice.

Are you sure you were so much defending her or defending yourself?

Hmmm.  Perhaps in a way, I was defending myself.  I don't remember feeling ashamed of my ex, but I did take severe offense to her being attacked in any way.  I was hyper-protective of her.  I suppose that was more of my white knight syndrome.  I did feel this powerful need to shelter her and protect her and maybe that was not at all in a healthy way.  As you know, my ex is a definitive waif and I played my counterpart role.  I wanted to save her and protect her and take her away from all her misery.  So, perhaps in a way I was defending myself.  I had gotten enmeshed and all boundaries had sort of faded away.  I guess I did see an attack on her as an attack on me.  I took it very personally.  It hurt to have her hurt.

[Elpis]

Cosmonaut, this:

I felt the emotion and ignored the behaviors.  But love isn't an emotion.  Love is a pattern of behavior.  It is a way of living and relating.  Emotion is only a portion of love, and the weakest portion; it isn't love itself.  I was so hung up on how I felt about my ex and how she made me feel, that I was willing to accept behaviors that were anything but loving.  Indeed many were the exact opposite of love.

GAH!

This speaks so directly to my very longterm r/s with my uBPDh. I ignored the horrible behaviors where he would yell and yell and push me so hard verbally and mentally until i'd flip into my hurt child self that lives in my complex PTSD from childhood. He totally knew I had that deep hurt, that deep weakness, and he preyed on it. And I ignored it because I thought somehow my love would help him heal from his wounds... .

I was embarrassed by it when I finally realized what was happening, what would cause me to roll up into a ball and wish for death, I thought "but you're an adult, what is wrong with you!" and then I had to carry my examination further and see that he willfully used my pain against me--to win.

I love him, I have 4 grown kids with him and 6 grandkids, our 38th anniversary is this September. Yet I know that I don't deserve that kind of treatment from someone who promised to "love" me. His actions have said either he doesn't know what that means, or he chose to ignore it all the times he'd rage at me and belittle me and call me names.

I don't know if a pwBPD is fully culpable when they're in that dissociated state of incredible dysregulation of emotions, but he sure knew where to poke to make me bleed... .

Elpis