Never had a honeymoon phase

[Split black]

I realize i never had a honeymoon phase because the sad fact is i was never her boyfriend. We were having sex and fun for almost a year. I helped her emotionally and financially all the time. She insists we never had a relationship. She was with her bf the e tire time eventhough i set her up and paid for new apt etc. I took her out all the time but we couldnt go to many places due to her exes friends knowing her. So very shortly maybe a month in i got an abrupt text. I just cant be with you. Goodbye. That was my first split black. Two weeks later she texts please come see me i miss u. And so started my decent into madness. But honeymoon? What honeymoon? Split black like that 4 times and each one worse n worse... . even blackmailed. Each time sucked back. But this is the longest shes gone NC and after she gave me keys 2 her apt. She cheated so many times after her declarations of love... . so many times telling me she cant see her life without me in it.  But this last betrayal of my trust sent me into terminal blackness. Honeymoon phase must have been a few days in her head. I was discarded and ignored like i never existed.

[coolioqq]

I'm sorry to hear that. Give yourself some time, read up on the resources here and let yourself grieve. All that you feel - we all felt it.

I didn't have a typical honeymoon phase either. Honeymoon or not, it ends all the same. Try to look at it this way. If you had a real honeymoon with her, there would be many more "good" moments to dwell on. So, it's a good thing actually.

I know it's hard, but it does get better. Be well.

[Split black]

Its hard accepting reality for what it is... . knowing she choosing not to contact me as well. I wish i could just detach and shut her out like she did with me again. Just have to grind through this somehow.

[Mutt]

I realize i never had a honeymoon phase because the sad fact is i was never her boyfriend. We were having sex and fun for almost a year. I helped her emotionally and financially all the time. She insists we never had a relationship.

My ex insisted that she never had an emotional and psychical affair for almost a year before leaving. It would make her feel bad to admit that. You were in a relationship with her, she's denying it. Listen to your intuition.Have you checked out this resource on how a relationship evolves? How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

So very shortly maybe a month in i got an abrupt text. I just cant be with you.

Two weeks later she texts please come see me i miss u.

^ this sounds like push / pull behavior. I understand how this can trigger strong emotions, pain, confusion and frustration.

She cheated so many times after her declarations of love

What foundation is your r/s based on? Is there trust?

[Split black]

I realize i never had a honeymoon phase because the sad fact is i was never her boyfriend. We were having sex and fun for almost a year. I helped her emotionally and financially all the time. She insists we never had a relationship.

My ex insisted that she never had an emotional and psychical affair for almost a year before leaving. It would make her feel bad to admit that. You were in a relationship with her, she's denying it. Listen to your intuition.Have you checked out this resource on how a relationship evolves? How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

So very shortly maybe a month in i got an abrupt text. I just cant be with you.

Two weeks later she texts please come see me i miss u.

^ this sounds like push / pull behavior. I understand how this can trigger strong emotions, pain, confusion and frustration.

She cheated so many times after her declarations of love

What foundation is your r/s based on? Is there trust?

Well... . In the beginning I trusted her. She is not capable of trusting it would seem. I have never given her any reason to split me black except for the fact that I am not available to her at all times because I have a young son who lives with me.

Our relationship started with her cheating on her BF who she lived with. She convinced me he was abusive and she was looking to move out, she insisted they didnt have sex. She of course was lying out of her ass. I fell for it. I helped her financially, helped her get a place of her own. Took care of her... . she believed I was doing everything for her sex. Ironically thats all she wanted when we first met, warning me she was evil and not to get attached. 3 weeks later she told me she was in love with me.

[Split black]

I just read this article https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm  THAT is exactly, exactly what happened. Just about everything. No everything in it is spot on. Unreal. Unbelievable. Im not naive, I have been around and Im savvy in the ways of normal relationships... . she is much younger then me... . made me feel young again, alive in ways I had not known for years... . she ripped me out of my normal life and healthy routines... .    I can see now I became addicted to the danger and drama and the roller coaster as much as I say i hated it... . and to cement her hold, her young body is deliriously perfect. She seduced me, and I just always thought I could walk away if and when I wanted to, and there were many times I declared to myself that I was leaving, that I couldn't take her bullhit anymore.  I knew she was capable of what she has done... . I just didnt believe she would or could do it to me. ugh. So stupid. So so stupid.  Somehow Im maintaining NC. Im just going to continue to dig in until the FOG lifts. What choice do I have anyway? None. Im blacker then black for the 4th time and shes totally moved on.

[Mutt]

I wouldn't be hard on yourself Split black. That article is exactly how my relationship evolved.

I'm speaking from my perspective with my relationship. I can empathize when say that your ex made you feel alive. My ex touched me in a very deep place. It felt like the warmth of the sun embracing a very sad and lonely place. She reached my inner child, a sad and lonely boy and validated me. It felt powerful. Something I subconsciously craved for a long time. That's why I had such a hard time letting go. Everyone's situation is theirs, and what I experienced may not apply to you or others.

I looked the other way with the hurtful behaviors because I was scared of being by myself again.

[Waifed]

I just read this article https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm  THAT is exactly, exactly what happened. Just about everything. No everything in it is spot on. Unreal. Unbelievable. Im not naive, I have been around and Im savvy in the ways of normal relationships... . she is much younger then me... . made me feel young again, alive in ways I had not known for years... . she ripped me out of my normal life and healthy routines... .   I can see now I became addicted to the danger and drama and the roller coaster as much as I say i hated it... . and to cement her hold, her young body is deliriously perfect. She seduced me, and I just always thought I could walk away if and when I wanted to, and there were many times I declared to myself that I was leaving, that I couldn't take her bull anymore.  I knew she was capable of what she has done... . I just didnt believe she would or could do it to me. ugh. So stupid. So so stupid.  Somehow Im maintaining NC. Im just going to continue to dig in until the FOG lifts. What choice do I have anyway? None. Im blacker then black for the 4th time and shes totally moved on.

Wow, you just described my experience. Much younger, thought I could just walk away when I wanted, never thought she would betray me. Hang in there. It gets better!  Six months out for me and I've gone from craving her to wondering how I let her get away with the things she did to being disgusted at the thought of being around her and I am slowly approaching indifference. It's been quite a journey.  I never thought I would be happy again but I am! IT GETS BETTER!

[rodrod]

I think you just summed up BPD relationships to sum extent in that no matter what the specific emotional drama and no matter what the specific trauma is, there is always the revolving door, the cycles, or what ever you want to call them the epitomizes these relationships.  Best of luck.  Sounds like you have some perspective in that you can and do discuss the relationship in terms of a cycle. It took me a long time to finally get that one through my think skull.