Worst week of my life.

[Emhain]

I'm very new to this site. I posted once in the newcomers area, stating my intention to tell him it was over. Then my entire life imploded and I'm just now able to get back.

In the last 10 days I have had to take my kids and go into hiding. Had to involve police, crisis workers, domestic violence counselors, countless friends and family. He bought a gun, threatened to kidnap our child and never allow me to see her again. Sent a suicide note to my 15 year old. Trashed the apartment. Photoshopped lewd photos of me and emailed them to EVERYONE. I refused to respond to any contact (phone, text, facebook, email- he tried it all) for three days. 700 phone calls in 24 hours. Finally I sent him a message telling him I had filed for custody, he would see the kids once a court order was in place and that if he continued calling I would change my number and file a protection order.

He stopped. Sort of.

Now it's been 9 days. Custody is nearly complete. He is on medication (police intervention finally got that done- there were threats of a 302). The kids have visitation. Each time I take them over, he wants to discuss "us". The first time, I walked away and sat with the supervising person, ignored him altogether. The second time I lost my temper. Us? US? There is no more us! How could there ever be an "us" after all of this? I can't. I just can't.

He says I owe him. I stole 10 years of his life. It isn't his fault. He wasn't really trying before, but now he is so I owe him another chance. He can't live without me and only a heartless, souless person would walk away from someone who NEEDS them.

Today the kids went for their first overnight. I dropped them off out front and left as soon as they got into the house. Within the hour, he had grilled the youngest and determined where we were staying, who we had seen, and all of the places we'd visited in the last week. Then he began texting me to tell me which places I was and was not allowed to bring the children to and which of my friends were allowed to be around them.

I am living- with 2 children- in a small bedroom at an old friend's house. We left with nothing and had to wear the same clothes for three days while he spiraled out of control. He took the rent money and purchased a gun. The rent bounced. I got paid and had to replace the rent, so now I'm broke too.  And I had to miss a week of work while he stalked around looking for me. It's a 35 minute drive from our temoprary solution to the town that holds our former family home, the courthouse, the lawyer, everything. The gas alone is well over $200 at this point. He isn't leaving the apartment, so I have to find a new one. I'm stressed out, exhausted, and pissed off.

But you know what?

I'm free. Mostly.

And aside from a few ridiculous stunts I anticipate he will pull with the kids, there is nothing else for him to hold over me.

I don't care if he hates me. I don't care if he speaks badly about me to the kids (I can simply show them love and disprove what he says). I don't care who he talks about me to. I don't care if he turns everyone he knows against me. I just don't care.

Because... .at night... .I can sleep. No one wakes me up to scream at me about their insecurities or to inform me that I don't love them properly. No one stomps around the house for hours at a time because one of the kids used a tone. No one is completely depressing the atmosphere simply because they don't like seeing people happy when they can't be.

My youngest daughter has had significntly fewer emotional tantrums this week. Which is odd, considering. She has been happy, for the most part. Yes, she cried a bit, the 3rd and 4th nights. She misses her dad. But now she is seeing both of us again and she is fine. My oldest (who is not his biological child) hasn't decided if she plans to see him regularly. She is seeing him now to help her sister adjust (I have awesome kids, by the way!). But she says she feels "lighter" now that we are living elsewhere.

It's a truly bad sign when you can cram your entire family into another family's spare room, tip toe around niceties all week, and STILL feel more comfortable than you did in your own home.

This is where I am right now. And that's okay, I guess. It's better than where I was.

[refusetosuccumb]

wow 

You are free.  That is fantastic.

My son (he's 10 and wise beyond his years) told me that our new apartment (without their dad) feels "lighter" and that the old place (where we all lived) felt haunted.  I asked him to elaborate.  He said that the old place felt heavy on his heart, he always felt worried.  But that at this new apartment, he doesn't feel that someone will start yelling (ie his dad) at any moment.  That made me cry, knowing that my decision to stay with their dad for so long made my son feel that way.  But I also now know that my decision to remove myself and the kids really was the best decision.

I have full custody of the children, my ex has liberal visitation at my discretion.  We are 12 weeks out and so far so good.  The kids see their dad 1 or 2 days a week, depending on how my ex is feeling, and everyone seems comfortable with that arrangement.  I have peace again.

 

[Tyrwhitt]

I want to say how much I admire the way you've dealt with such incredible trauma.  How you've dealt with the shock of his behaviours, and sorted out the toughest of situations. Reading what you went through brought shivers to my spine, even though I don't have kids, I fear this extreme and dangerous behaviour. 

I wish you calm times, however improbable that is with the need to keep contact for the kids. 

[JohnLove]

Welcome to BPD family Emhain. I am amazed by your story. I admire your courage. If this was truly the worst week of your life then it's only up from here. Stay strong. Peace to you and your children.

[malwa]

you are the heroine!

really, as I was reading your post I was trying to imagine how traumatic you experiences must have been. the children are involved and you try to protect them.

My situation is totally different, but I remember when I was a kid and my mother (and of course me and my sister) had very hard time with my father. She never had enough strength to break it, which I now understand.

But having this  power - as you do - is really admirable!

[Emhain]

Thank you all for the support.

It is actually pretty amazing how well I'm feeling. The first few days were, obviously, terrifying. But I have amazing friends and family who completely supported me and the kids through this. Not to mention that HIS family has been super supportive. And now that we're out... .I just feel free.

He is still cycling- one minute furious because I "did this to him" and "stole 10 years of his life", the next minute pleading, telling me he can't live without me and will do anything to get me back. But it is freeing to know that now I can simply ignore it. All of it.

The kids are old enough to walk through the door themselves, there's no need for me to even interact with him in person at this point. Email is a beautiful thing. I know it'll get bad again... .but I also know I don'y have to let that impact me in significant ways anymore.

I still get incredibly anxious when he starts to cycle up- my heart still races and I get jittery. even though he is in another town altogether. But I figure that eventually that will ease up too.

[refusetosuccumb]

I'm almost 12 weeks out of my own volatile r/s.  My ex did the same thing as yours (I ruined his life, I'm his reason for living, I'm a b***c, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him) for the first few weeks.  We are now all settling into the new normal.  My kids are thriving.  They still see their dad twice a week (week 3 for that, I'm actually amazed he's kept up his end of the bargain, but he hasn't replaced me yet so we will see what happens when he meets The Next One).  My ex now knows how serious I am about this impending divorce but he still tries to get into my pants (not happening )

You are a hero.  You probably don't feel like one, but we recognize how traumatic your life has been and understand that you are making progress.  One day, your children will thank you.

[Emhain]

I'm almost 12 weeks out of my own volatile r/s.  My ex did the same thing as yours (I ruined his life, I'm his reason for living, I'm a b***c, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him) for the first few weeks.  We are now all settling into the new normal.  My kids are thriving.  They still see their dad twice a week (week 3 for that, I'm actually amazed he's kept up his end of the bargain, but he hasn't replaced me yet so we will see what happens when he meets The Next One).  My ex now knows how serious I am about this impending divorce but he still tries to get into my pants (not happening )

You are a hero.  You probably don't feel like one, but we recognize how traumatic your life has been and understand that you are making progress.  One day, your children will thank you.

This. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. That it will settle, it will eventually mellow into something that resembles normal, however vaguely. Today he cycled again. Way, way up- begging, pleading, etc. Then way, way down- threatening to kill anyone I ever become involved with (to which I thought... .after this, I don't expect I will EVER want to date again), calling me every name in the book. I set the phone aside and walked away for an hour. When I returned, he'd sent me 12 text messages full of insults and one question- did I still plan to uphold the custody agreement. Since I wasn't near the phone, I hadn't replied and he cycled hard and fast, calling everyone I know to ask where I am and ordering them to relay messages to me that I NEED to answer his messages. Ugly.

I needed to hear that even people like this will eventually settle, at least a bit.

Thank you.

[refusetosuccumb]

It's so hard isn't it?  The first few weeks I took things hour by hour.  Now I'm onto day by day.  There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't ruminated over him.  But it no longer consumes my day and total thoughts.  I actively shift my attention to something else now.  I still allow myself the occasional cry, since this all really, really sucks no matter how good it looks from the outside. 

I don't plan on looking to date, at all.  But everyone keeps telling me that eventually, the right one will just find me.  I guess I can live with that.  But first, I need to be over my r/s with my ex.  I think the average is one month grieving for every year of the r/s... .16yrs is at LEAST a year and a half.  I'm enjoying discovering the new me.