She is Rebooting again

[Sstepdad]

 Been 5 months since stepdaughter moved back in basically bankrupt it was great the fist few months, not a big surprise, now the cracks are starting to show.

We let her get back on her financial feet and now have asked for her to start paying back what she owes us this was all agreed upon when she moved back in writing and signed. We are far from putting her in the poorhouse 75.00 a month to pay back on the 1600 she was lent and 75.00 for household expenses its a drop in the bucket to our real expenses. 5 bucks a day is certainly doable she works a 10.00 hour job 40 hrs a week.

So her mom brings her to the bank they were going to set up an auto payment system well the bank does not do that so my wife said just take it out with you debit card and its done, meltdown time, she starts on how she did not think it would happen right away and we have lots of money why should she pay anything. We don't have lots of money we are comfortable and careful on spending and anyway that is not the point.

My wife stood her ground and got half the monthly payment and will probably have an issue next payday we have told her if she does not pay then no phone no Internet and she will have to take her laundry to the laundromat we do not want to kick her out but no free ride either, the shame of it is she will be 26 this month and I feel like we are disciplining a 13 year old.

I am not surprised that this is happening just disappointed, another catalyst is a new boyfriend he seems decent and I think has no idea how she is.

I give it another month and she will be living with him and us holding her debt, it wont happen again. We were very reluctant after her past borrowing and not paying.

She did not get entitlement issues from her upbringing thats for sure.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Sstepdad,

I feel for your situation.  It is so frustrating!  And I know what you mean about the sense of entitlement.  We didn't raise our BPDD to be spoiled and entitled either.  But she is.  And I agree with you that no matter how comfortable you and your wife are financially, it is irrelevant .  I believe we need to hold our pwBPD accountable and somehow support them in learning to stand on their own. 

... .we have told her if she does not pay then no phone no Internet and she will have to take her laundry to the laundromat we do not want to kick her out but no free ride either, the shame of it is she will be 26 this month and I feel like we are disciplining a 13 year old.

I agree, it IS like disciplining a 13-year old!  My DD is 17, and her emotional level is more like 3, so I'm actually glad to know she may be 13 when she's in her 20s.  I don't mean this to belittle your frustration in any way... .only to give you some perspective.  Part of the disorder is the child-like inability to regulate emotions.  Knowing that is sort of the "booby prize" because it doesn't help your SD behave any better.  But, maybe it will give you some validation that we really are dealing with an illness here.  I'm sure she feels the same shame you do, only worse.

She did not get entitlement issues from her upbringing thats for sure.

I'm no expert, but I've noticed so many parents of ADULT offspring with BPD are dealing with this very same entitlement issue, so you're not alone!  It must be part of the disorder.  I think entitlement comes from not being willing to take personal responsibility, which is definitely part of the disorder.

I hope your SD has a moment of clarity soon, so she goes back to sticking to the generous agreement you already set up with her.  It's soo hard when you give and give and they take and take.  It sounds to me like you and your wife are on the right track with your SD, even though it is painfully slow-going.  Kudos!  And hang in there!

[madmom]

Oh my, I have a 26 year old ddaughter, and I constantly think that she somehow got stuck as an elementary/ middle school student in her emotions etc.  It is true, we are not alone in the BPD roller coaster ride.  We too had our daughter pay us back in small amounts for money she owed us for various things.  (She is very irresponsible with money, so when a big bill such as a car repair comes up she usually can't manage it).  Anyway, to give you hope she has paid it all back, more than $1000.  Like you, we are comfortable, but not wealthy by any means---that is not the point.  Our family therapist said that we have to hold her accountable in order to help her get healthy.  She did feel really good about finally getting her debt paid off---it took a long time given the small amount $50 to $100 a month she was able to put toward the debt, but she did do it!  We held our ground, and I truly think that she and we are the better for it.  I have found with my daughter, she gets really nasty to see if we will back down and she will get her way, so sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.  My husband and I have found that if we hold our ground, and work together to present a united front to her, things eventually resolve in a fairly positive way---but oh the battle to finally get there!  Good luck to you---you are not alone.

[Stella1425]

Yep. That money situation. Bad news. Our d30 has our 7 year old grandson so therefore we feel responsibility that we shouldn't. She owes us $13,000.00. $9000.00 of that from us helping her after she left her husband. Then as we expected her to pay some debts (not us) and were disappointed when she didn't with her large tax returns we said no more help with money. Four months later asked for help for a couple days for rent. We helped but said we wouldn't add this to her debt, she had to pay us back. Couple weeks later and still excuses. Why do we never learn?

[SeaSprite]

Oh the entitlement issue, my d16 has that too. And it's weird, because intellectually she knows she has things pretty good, and that our expectations are reasonable. But she still gets into these modes where she can't do anything, and everyone is against her. It's very hard for her to cope with setbacks or natural consequences of bad choices, no matter how gentle we try to be. That's when she starts cutting and becomes suicidal, so it's darn scary.

I worry a lot about where the entitlement leads if she doesn't grow out of it. My husband's ex has some very BPD traits... .when she is upset she acts like a  13 year old, and seems to have zero self-awareness about her behavior or how it affects the people around her. She left my H for her best friend's H, got a comfortable divorce settlement, doesn't have to work, and is still angry with my husband for being a negligent father (he isn't) and for taking away her initiative to work (because he made a good living so she didn't "have to".

I have all my fingers and toes crossed that my d16 gains some maturity and insight as she grows up.

Right now my D16 is in a good place, and I'm holding my breath, wondering how long it will last.

[chooselove]

"Rebooting" is a good choice of words!

We will never get back the tens of thousands we have given to help our daughter but we have finally gotten to where we just won't loan or give her money any more.  Nor will we recommend the professional services of others to her when she asks because she doesn't pay those bills either.

The entitlement phrases we hear are along the lines of:  "I will be the one wiping your butt when you are old so you should help me get launched now!"  (that was after about the 5th launch).  We also hear, "You are squandering my inheritance" and she has said, "I think the extended family should start a compound where they pool all their resources and create a legacy for the grandkids"  as if we are the Rockefellers and make no mistake, by "grandkids" she means herself, not the other grandkids in the family.  She is obsessed about our finances, our homes and who will inherit everything. Then, when she doesn't get what she wants (demands) she says, "You all just keep your houses and money! I don't want any of it!"

When she lived with us we said she would pay a very small rent (she is approaching 40) of $150 to help with utilities (elec., gas, internet).  She became very irate and said, "No decent parents would EVER require their children pay rent!"  She left dishes in the sink every day and her personal stuff all over the living room.

Fact is we are all hard working people who don't take it for granted.  But somehow she has come to resent that she has to pay her own way and the price for paying her own way and becoming responsible is that she has estranged herself from her parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. as punishment.  along with a long list of why each and every one of us are no good bad people.   We all have our individual flaws to be certain.  But we have learned to get along, love and respect each other.  That is the hardest part for her as she had hoped to divide and conquer and it didn't work.

We love her with all our hearts and miss her, too, now that she is away, but we are like happy children in our homes now, free of the rages and judgments.  She will never live with us again and we will die under a tree before we have her take care of us in our old age.  Unless something drastically changes in her.

[Sstepdad]

 Amazing the similarity of behavior in all our experiences, Chooselove I can see her in a similar situation at you daughters age, planning for the future is not even a thought, as for elder care I have no illusions that she will be there for us, when something happens where she could help she disappears.

  A few years ago my wife had shoulder surgery that left her arm immobile for two months she never asked her mom if she needed help, she was not living with us at the time but not far away.

A month ago I severed 3 tendons in my hand I am self employed so it has really slowed me down I make custom furniture luckily it was my left hand so I can still work though a bit slower but she has not pitched in at stuff around the house, she is doing less now that she has another boyfriend. I am not surprised it just how she is.

[mggt]

Oh it never stops our d is terrible with money always has been and probably always will be Im sure this is a BPD trait

She needs everything right now cant wait or save for anything . It is like dealing with a 3 year old all the time.   

[chooselove]

Sigh, yes, everything is an emergency... .has to happen NOW.   Outsiders have no idea because she is her charming sweet helpful self in other people's homes, and I'm sure they get told some horrid stories about what an evil mother I am.  I have rolled over a lot of times trying to save her and prove that I can be the one in the wrong but all that did was give her more motivation to say, "See? I'm right. You even admitted it was your fault!"   There have been some wonderful nice moments here and there but they never lasted long enough to where I could relax and not wonder when the other shoe would drop.  Breaks my heart but I have accepted things and decided to live my life and let her find her way.  I have seen BPD's who took their traits to the grave in their 80's and it made me realize that there may be no light at the end of this particular tunnel.  I am focusing now on the relationships that reciprocate and appreciate each other and praying for God to protect and keep her safe.  She is in a better place where she is living now so it seems to be working for all of us.  My husband always says, "She'll be back." But this time, I think no, I just can't go there again, for both her and our sakes.    Sstepdad, I'm proud of you for setting your boundaries and being firm.  I wonder how different things would be if I had had such fortitude a couple decades ago.