Married "BPD orphans" and bad dreams

[claudiaduffy]

It's been a hefty couple of weeks. My husband and I have both been having dreams where he, or we both, are living with his uBPDm and enduring her abuse again. Sometimes in the dreams, his dad is still alive. Sometimes in the dreams, one of us will put our foot down and refuse to keep enduring stuff. Sometimes in my dreams, I realize that it must be a dream because my husband would never do the submissive-to-his-mother thing again, and I wake myself up. Overall, the dreams have been a mostly helpful and positive experience for each of us, because we're taking it as a sign that our brains are reclaiming the past and rescuing our younger selves.

But still, it's tiring.

It's tiring to have echoes of my uBPDmil sounding in my head. It's tiring having junk crop up so frequently - I have several friends that are nursing their infants, and I keep thinking about how uBPDmil breastfed my husband until he was 8 years old. I trust, because of my husband's reassurance on this, that this does not color our lovemaking for him, and I can usually keep from thinking about it in the moment, but I wish I could forget about it completely.

We also just got back from a visit to my uncle - the only really sane person in a family full of PDs - and while he fully validates and partially understands my difficulties with my own uBPDm (his father, my grandfather, is uBPD/NPD/who knows what else), he doesn't understand the part where I have to avoid anything that smacks of parenting my mother. My mom isn't old, but she's not in good health and she's approaching 60 with the real prospect of losing the ability to support herself, and has limited resources. This uncle is a lifesaver for me, because he can coach my mom in her finances and life choices without getting himself badly abused. But on this visit, he was trying to involve me and my husband in deciding what advice to give my mom so that she can make the choices now to take care of herself as she ages.

I would love to be able to interact at that level - I really would - but I really can't. I feel that pressure, and so does my husband.

We're just a bit tired of having two uBPD moms (one NC, one LC), one dead father (his), one living but disconnected/depressed/separated father (mine), two grandparents with PDs (mine), one grandparent rapidly getting too old to function (mine) and five dead grandparents (his and mine). And not a fully healthy sibling between the two of us (one of his is a drug addict, one of mine is a rage addict, the other two are a bit too needy for us to comfortable with.)

It is great having each other - I would take twenty more full-out BPDs in our family and it still wouldn't make me regret marrying him - but today, I feel little and tired and wanting for just one healthy mama or dad for us to turn to. As we look forward to one day raising children ourselves, I find myself mourning that there isn't a name I'd want our babies to call me that isn't already tainted by one of our moms. "Mommy" and "Mama" are both yucky words to me now.

They didn't spoil everything, but they spoiled so much. And I am impatient about the time it takes to heal. They took so many years - I'm jealous over every moment more that we spend trying to rid ourselves of the junk they left!

I know we can do it. Even the bad dreams are helps toward freer life. *cue the credits of The Little Engine That Could*

[happyfingers]

One BPD rocked our world -- I can't imagine dealing with two. Wow. Bless you for coping with so much.

DH, DD, and I all have periods of time where we have nightmares, usually when uBPDm is trying to get in touch. It's hardest by far on DD. Her "grandma dreams," as she calls them, leave her severely distressed for hours after she wakes up. I guess it's all part of the process of making sense of things and getting better.

About the words for "mother," as you mention, the word makes me cringe too. I wanted DD to call me by my given name when she was little, but my mother said that was improper, so I didn't do that at her request. I guess she thought it was okay for Atticus Finch but not me.   And don't even get me started on Mother's Day. Or Father's Day, for that matter.

[CrazyNoMore]

I had similar dreams after I went NC with my uBPDM and the rest of my family by default.  I would dream that she had me pinned against a wall, screaming at me inches from my face (a common tactic of hers).  I would wake up and actually have to get out of bed and walk around MY house to convince myself that it was, indeed, a dream. 

Years later, I dreamed I ran into her at the shore.  She was initially trying to smooth things over, but as the conversation progressed, she got increasingly agitated.  We ended up planning to have dinner together that evening, but when I got to the restaurant she was a no-show, having left a nasty little message with the hostess.  I woke up, and all I could do was shake my head.  I got word that she had died around that time, but I can't remember if it was before or after.  Either way, I think the timing is significant.

They didn't spoil everything, but they spoiled so much. And I am impatient about the time it takes to heal. They took so many years - I'm jealous over every moment more that we spend trying to rid ourselves of the junk they left!

I get angry over all the years I spent dealing with this.  It has affected everything.  My health, my career, my relationships, my faith... .it has touched absolutely everything that is important to me.

[happyfingers]

I get angry over all the years I spent dealing with this.  It has affected everything.  My health, my career, my relationships, my faith... .it has touched absolutely everything that is important to me.

You just put into words what I have been feeling for the last 8 months 23 days since I went NC/LC with Mother. 

And then a little voice in my head retorts, "Oh, yes, they always blame the mother!"  Because that's what my Mom would say.

You know, I don't want to be unfair.  I really don't.  But there's so much going on with me that, if I'm honest, it started with her. 

[claudiaduffy]

One BPD rocked our world -- I can't imagine dealing with two. Wow. Bless you for coping with so much.

It's more than worth it. My husband and I have a hilariously good marriage and are so alike that we could turn each other into dual-self-absorbed narcissists happy in the knowledge that we're better than all other human beings on earth, if it weren't for common sense and experience with our moms' BPD. But we do enjoy each other immensely and have no problem with fantastic communication and shared goals. It makes me feel almost embarrassed, how good we have it. I have other friends with peaceful FOOs and difficult marriages, and I wouldn't trade places with any of them. In the same way that we didn't deserve our abusive mothers because of anything bad we did, we don't deserve such a blessing as we have in each other because of anything good we did; but this doesn't make us feel guilty - just humble and grateful and very happy.

DH, DD, and I all have periods of time where we have nightmares, usually when uBPDm is trying to get in touch. It's hardest by far on DD. Her "grandma dreams," as she calls them, leave her severely distressed for hours after she wakes up. I guess it's all part of the process of making sense of things and getting better.

Oh! Your poor daughter! I'm so glad she has you to help.

About the words for "mother," as you mention, the word makes me cringe too. I wanted DD to call me by my given name when she was little, but my mother said that was improper, so I didn't do that at her request. I guess she thought it was okay for Atticus Finch but not me.   And don't even get me started on Mother's Day. Or Father's Day, for that matter.

Phooey on your mom for invading your choices like that. Boo. Boo.

Okay, I won't borrow angst before it's time. I'm not pregnant yet. I'll leave that bridge to be crossed when I come to it, and just be happy that MIL is out of our lives (DH and I have already agreed that even if we ever have LC with her again, she will never spend any time with any underage children we have) and that my own mom is intimidated by me and will usually live with my boundaries.

And I hear you on the Mother's Day/Father's Day thing. Least favorite holidays of the year, and I despise Halloween. I guess celebrating witches in any sense makes me ill.   

[claudiaduffy]

I had similar dreams after I went NC with my uBPDM and the rest of my family by default.  I would dream that she had me pinned against a wall, screaming at me inches from my face (a common tactic of hers).  I would wake up and actually have to get out of bed and walk around MY house to convince myself that it was, indeed, a dream. 

Years later, I dreamed I ran into her at the shore.  She was initially trying to smooth things over, but as the conversation progressed, she got increasingly agitated.  We ended up planning to have dinner together that evening, but when I got to the restaurant she was a no-show, having left a nasty little message with the hostess.  I woke up, and all I could do was shake my head.  I got word that she had died around that time, but I can't remember if it was before or after.  Either way, I think the timing is significant.

Ugh ugh ugh. I'm giving you a hug if that's okay. That's difficult stuff.  :'(

They didn't spoil everything, but they spoiled so much. And I am impatient about the time it takes to heal. They took so many years - I'm jealous over every moment more that we spend trying to rid ourselves of the junk they left!

I get angry over all the years I spent dealing with this.  It has affected everything.  My health, my career, my relationships, my faith... .it has touched absolutely everything that is important to me.

How is it going, now that your mother is no longer living? Are you able to begin redeeming the stolen years?

[CrazyNoMore]

I get angry over all the years I spent dealing with this.  It has affected everything.  My health, my career, my relationships, my faith... .it has touched absolutely everything that is important to me.

How is it going, now that your mother is no longer living? Are you able to begin redeeming the stolen years?[/quote]
Heh, well, that's why I chose the tagline I did.  I'm surviving.  Which is a lot of work some days.  But I'm doing it, and it's a hell of a lot more that it was when I was in contact.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, claudiaduffy,

I think your dreams are interesting. They really can be a way of working out things. My first T liked dream work and was able to help me work through some of the dreams I was having at the time. I rarely dream about my parents these days, but when I do I bring the awareness I have gained from all this conscious work. Things are different in my dreams and I feel in control. It can be an opportunity to practice boundaries.  It sounds like you are able to be lucid enough to recognize you are dreaming and even to choose to wake up. That is neat.

As far as taking care of aging parents, it is ok to recognize that in reality you do not have the kind of relationship with your mother that you would have preferred to have, and to acknowledge and accept the limitations that brings. You can offer only as much as you are able, and it is ok if that is not as much as someone else thinks you should be able to give.

I think it's possible that using this time in your life to learn to mother yourself well might be able to show you that mothering can be a good thing. Be patient with yourself, love yourself the way you needed to be loved, and you will start to see how good you are at it. Maybe even the words won't cause such an aversion at that point. You have the power to transform them, to create new associations. Or, you can use whatever names you like.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[claudiaduffy]

As far as taking care of aging parents, it is ok to recognize that in reality you do not have the kind of relationship with your mother that you would have preferred to have, and to acknowledge and accept the limitations that brings. You can offer only as much as you are able, and it is ok if that is not as much as someone else thinks you should be able to give.

I think it's possible that using this time in your life to learn to mother yourself well might be able to show you that mothering can be a good thing. Be patient with yourself, love yourself the way you needed to be loved, and you will start to see how good you are at it. Maybe even the words won't cause such an aversion at that point. You have the power to transform them, to create new associations. Or, you can use whatever names you like.

Thanks, PF! I know these things are true, and I'm working on relaxing and letting them BE true for me. It's really helpful to have others remind me and say them out loud.