I have decided that though I love my wife, I am not in love with her nor do even like her all that much. I have known this for a while and the consequences of that realization is giving me some clarity.
We were engaged and married after a short intense relationship (
) and even during our courting period I was aware, both through observation and by her admission of depression/eating disorders/abuse, that she had some mental health issues that she was working through. She was in therapy at that time and on medication. In hind sight I should have not been the "Fixer" and "problem solver" for her and pursued a more balanced relationship instead of inadvertently enabling her. I passed up job oportunities due to her fears and was rewarded with intimacy being witheld for longer and longer periods of times culminating with a complete shutdown of intimacy a month after the birth of our son.
I broke my own character and put down an ultimatum. Therapy or divorce, there would not be an option and for once I did not bend. We found the right therapist and proceeded to see her and at times we seemed to make great progress heading to healing, which was regularly followed by an even more extreme distance in reaction to the closeness. We kept that pattern going for a few years until her behavior was so erratic that I began carrying a voice recorder around with me so that if she bacame completely disregulated again I would have some something (even though it was inadmissable in my state) to defend me from a false claim of abuse. She ended up discovering the recorder while I was at work and blamed the discovery on my then 4yo son (not likely as it was in the back of a drawer and the contents were erased when I got home though she denies even touching it) And that was probably the most fortunate thing for me as she decided then that she could no longer trust me. After Years of witheld intimacy, a year of her sleeping mostly on the couch (I refused to be kicked out of my own bed), a year in a seperate bedroom (the bedroom that I gutted and remodeled because she wanted a "new start" and there were too many "Bad Memories" in our current bedroom) she finally decided to make a decision and move out.
The relief was instant. I could walk in my house and not feel like I was waiting for an ambush. I was able to spen more quality time with my son, and as the time went on I was able to even more time with him as she was unable to cope with his "behavior" or get any of her work done when he was home (mind you in this time period, with my son around I gutted and remodeled my kitchen and was spending great bonding time with my son letting him help as he could in an age appropriate way). Eventually he slept at his home nearly every night, and only at her appartment sporadically.
She went through a DBT program with limited success and lost most of the headway when it ended and she never found a true replacement therapist or program. I was able to pursue a career change and was given an appointment to the state police academy (at 39 years old) and was mentally and physically in the best shape that I had been in years. Then I got hurt at the academy and had to resign. Thsi hit me hard, and I was very sure at that time that I was not willing to let my marriage just drift off to failure. I was going to give it one last shot, one more active push and we would get past our issues, our we would admit that it's over and file for divorce.
We started very well, we began to reconnect but it ended up being too haphazzard and I was surprised when she committed to moving back into the house. We set some non-negotiable conditions that the living room was not for sleeping, and that if she were to want to move into a seperate bedroom again, that she would need to find that bedroom in a seperate residence from me and that we would be getting divorced. It might sound harsh, but that is my red line that I am not willing to back over again and I am standing by it. She has, to her credit, been very good about sleeping in the bed. Even to the point of actually going to bed before I even get home from work (I'm a 2nd shift manufacturing manager) and falling asleep instead of falling asleep on the couch.
Where we are having difficulty and where I am loosing my connection with her is that our intimacy is falling off (2 months now) and that she is increasingly returning to a pattern of anger and has started using the phrase "I'm not going to be treated like this by anyone... ." after others... .usually my son, or me but very often random strangers react to something she did or said that was either rude, uncalled for, hostile, sarcastic, etc. I made a commitment to myself that I woud control and manage my own anger, and that I would not accept her anger over imagined or self induced slights. I fully recognize that she has the right to be angry at times as I know full well that this situation has made me very angry and frustrated. I do know that if she is angry or hopless and starts with the Never/always/everything/ type statements that I will no longer accept them and other than saying "OK" so that she knows that she was heard, I will not expound on validating her in those situations.
I am now at a crossroads. I feel like I have more of an irritable roomate than a spouse and that I am very tired of this game and thae cycles of behavior that we seem to be returning to. I recognize that I am overly sensitive to lack of intimacy and to any anger that she may display that is perceived by me to be irrational, however I realize that it is from a sense of self preservation that I am in this place. That I no longer have sympathy for her when she is angry until I am convinced that it is justified, I no longer have empathy for her distress when I perceive that it is by her creation, and I absolutely burnt out from looks of revulsion, rejection, and pushing from her when I reach out to her when she is by my perception legitimately stressed over the circumstances in life.
I have resolved to do the following for myself, my son, and for her (and I placed myself first on purpose) This list is not all inclusive but hits where I am today.
1) I will not walk on egg shells, and I will not teach my son to do it either.
2) I will not engage in empty arguments over semantics.
3) I will not accept rage, misplaced anger, or sarcasm directed at my son or me.
4) When she says "I can do it myself" I will let her, and I will not rescue her when it fails and I will acknowledge it when it succedes.
5) When she says "I will not be treated like this" I will not allow that to change how I feel about how she is treating me or others and recognize that my feelings are valid and to not escalate if avoidable.
6) I CANNOT fix her... .I CANNOT fix her... .and I shouldn't try. She is who she is, and she needs to heal, but I will never and no one will ever be able to fix another person if they do not commit to it themselves.
7) I accept my own contribution to this and I know that I also need to heal and to work on forgiveness.
8) I know that I can manage a household and ensure the care of my son with or without her. I want her in my life because I choose to have her not because I need to have her.
9) I have the funds for a lawyer for both of us tucked away if it doesn't work, or for a great vacation in Europe if it does.
So, I am cautiously optomistic, very tired, and hoping for the best. However I am seeing a pattern and I am ensuring that I am prepared for the worse.
I guess I just needed to vent and get this out for myself and validate myself that I am torn with the decision that may be coming up shortly. I do not want to be here again in a year, or ever again. Either we heal this time and make real progress or I will execute my contingency plan and end this marriage before we start hurting each other again.
Thank you for listening
