Glad you have this site

[Sacredheart]

 


I don't really know if I should say I am "glad to be here", in light of the recent discoveries and truth concerning my situation but I can say I am glad that you exist.  

I am "sacred heart"    I chose this name because I am a spiritualist, I also am a spiritual teacher, minister, guide and women's advocate.

I have a mother who has not been offically diagnoised with BPD/NPD BUT I have had a therapist or two tell me from what my discussions and revealations are that she is in fact that. I've encouraged her to go to therapy with me, not because of what I've been told but for her to get help in "general", she refuses.

From looking at the list of characteristics on severeal sites she fits about 90% of them, I'd more than likely say falls in the "middle" spectrum of expression, which means nothing since this mental illness destroys lives none the less. To me it's a matter of how fast is that destruction take place vs how slowly.

I've been on a self awareness journey for over 14 years now due to me not having an identity, due to childhood abuse by BOTH parents although I have not figured out yet if my father is BPD or any other pd for that matter, he certainly has not had positive relationships and can not maintain them, he is also an abusive parent. My mother's entire side of the family, maybe give or take a few members have BPD/NPD. I can share stories of growing up around these people that would knock any therapists socks off in terms of their displays of the disease.

I am lucky or "blessed" or what have you. I do not have BPD or any of the pd's although I have acquired some of the traits to cope.

I have an emotional eating challenge that I've been working on correcting consciously for the past 2 years. I've lost 60 pounds thus far.  I suffer from anxiety more often than not and don't always feel as self confident as my knowledge and passion for what I do might suggest. However, in spite of all of that I am here.  

I am full of love and light but by no means am I perfect. I have not had successful relationships due to me attracting abusers. I do have a beautiful daughter out of one marriage to an unhealthy man, with whom I did not stay married to for long. I have been attentive, loving, supportive and healthy with my daughter and have addressed her needs as a growing adolescent. We are both in therapy to make sure we are healthy and that we remain as such.

Currently, I am working on moving out of the home I share with my mother, I am in the process of owning the reality that I will not have any family when I do leave. My father's family I don't really associate with at all, only when I hear he's in the hospital. My exes family I have no contact with, including my ex and therefore it's just she and I.  I am 43 years young and at a time in my life where the "powers that be" say I am supposed to be "coming into my own", at this point I feel lost and alone now that I have had confirmation by my mother's behavior over the past few days that she is infact not well.

So, there is a bit of my "story" about to be rewritten with healthy steps taken to heal and to live in my own authority and identity. i

I hope I learn much and can use this space as a healing tool in my present and future!

[Kwamina]

Hi Sacredheart

Thanks for sharing your story and I would like to give you a warm welcome to our loving online community!  You show some great awareness about your situation in your post. I am very happy that you are working so hard in trying to be the best person you can be. Congratulations on battling your emotional eating challenge and already losing 60 pounds I think you'll find that many of our members developed certain 'unhealthy' ways of dealing with the emotional stresses in our lives, this can be through eating but also alcohol, drugs etc. Anxiety is also something many children of BPD parents suffer from. Accepting where we are right now is very important for our continued healing, we might not be as far or as calm as we would like to be but that's just the way it is. Good thing is that this also means we have something to work on so it's an opportunity for further growth

Living with a mother who's possibly BPD/NPD can be quite difficult. I am happy that you're taking the time to ensure as best you can your daughter's emotional and mental health.

When it comes to your mother, what kind of behaviors does she exhibit that leads you/your therapists to believe she's probably BPD/NPD? And what behaviors of her do you find most troubling or challenging to deal with?

[HappyChappy]

I am 43 years young and at a time in my life where the "powers that be" say I am supposed to be "coming into my own", at this point I feel lost and alone.

You’re at an age so many on this site have the epiphany or discovery about BPD. Some would call it a mid life crisis. But it occurs that by becoming enlightened about BPD, you will be able to discover your true self. A fact I’ve often read. So this chimes with your “powers at be” prediction. You also say you feel “lost and alone”. To find yourself, you must first realise you’re lost. So it’s all looking encouraging.   Welcome to our BPD family.  

[Sacredheart]

Hi Sacredheart

Thanks for sharing your story and I would like to give you a warm welcome to our loving online community!  You show some great awareness about your situation in your post. I am very happy that you are working so hard in trying to be the best person you can be. Congratulations on battling your emotional eating challenge and already losing 60 pounds I think you'll find that many of our members developed certain 'unhealthy' ways of dealing with the emotional stresses in our lives, this can be through eating but also alcohol, drugs etc. Anxiety is also something many children of BPD parents suffer from. Accepting where we are right now is very important for our continued healing, we might not be as far or as calm as we would like to be but that's just the way it is. Good thing is that this also means we have something to work on so it's an opportunity for further growth

Living with a mother who's possibly BPD/NPD can be quite difficult. I am happy that you're taking the time to ensure as best you can your daughter's emotional and mental health.

When it comes to your mother, what kind of behaviors does she exhibit that leads you/your therapists to believe she's probably BPD/NPD? And what behaviors of her do you find most troubling or challenging to deal with?

Thank you for the warm welcome! 

Thank you for your support and kind words.

My mother exhibits the a phelthora of characteristics of BPD I found a site called "out of the fog" and it outlines behaviors of a BPD and NPD and a multitude of other disorders. I have been in therapy for 2 years with my daughter for something else prior to me finally realzing my mom does suffer from this illness.

During the description of her behaviors during therapy sessions that would boggle myself and my daughter the therapist whose worked with BPD/NPD individuals unsuccessfully due to their resistance to therapy, called it. Before he did though he introduced the Karpman's triangle theory, my daughter and I began to see how my mother actually played out the roles within this model and how we fell victim to its disfunction.

Several weeks after the Karpman's triangle was introduced, an explosive occurance happened when my mother was triggered and BAM! It all just came to light for me. I began doing research, recalling childhood memories, some that were regressed, soo many conversations I have had with my mom, situations, observations made 100% sense. I was in shock for a week, finding myself angery and sad. I am now beginning to move out of the anger phase, still sad as I have to now work on get out of the same environment, finding my identity and making sure my daughter claims her own!

I could provide a list here to you but that would be exhaustive.  I've also discovered that my mother's family has the disorder so it's not just her, my grandmother had it, my uncle has NPD, it's just a nasty situation. One that makes me cry a lot lately. It won't always be that way but it's my truth at the moment.

I am still in therapy, so is my daughter and actually our therapist was "waiting" for me to "get it" and now that I do, it's time to move in another direction in terms of healing. Not any easy task. But one that is necessary.

My mom is highly intelligent. She can cope and show high performance at work and in some social situations but at home, it's another story entirely. Therefore I am hoping that her intelligence will one day have her seek help or at least allow me to still maintain some kind of "healthy" relationship with her, just not living with her. I hope that makes sense? She seems to give the appearance of trying to stay in my space when I am not around her but I am hoping with me setting some healthy boundaries she'll at least be okay with it. I don't know yet.

I don't want to "talk" your ear off. LOL. Thank you so much for your warm welcome.

[Sacredheart]

 And what behaviors of her do you find most troubling or challenging to deal with?[/quote]
I didn't answer this question!

Her constant negative energy and words.

When she seems in the "mood" to RAGE, extreme yelling, high drama and accusations with no merit.

Her constant need to seek me out in my space, like she's "needy" for attention, even after she rages.

Her always acting as though she's too busy to handle her responsibilities, she'll blame her job for her fatigue and but truly she doesn't do well with it. When she used to pay the bills, every single month she'd RAGE about the cost of things like the electricity bills, phone bills etc. she'd stir up the entire house hold and get everyone anxiety ridden and upset. I'd get so upset I'd get ill.

I could go on and on... .but the WORSE is what I call "raging", she does it I think when she's stressed or triggered but it's a constant stream of issues, expectations, things that piss her off. When she does she opens her mouth and all kinds of awful, hurtful things come out, on top of the screaming and I mean body shaking rage! I truly don't get that. It makes me anxiety ridden.

[Sacredheart]

I am 43 years young and at a time in my life where the "powers that be" say I am supposed to be "coming into my own", at this point I feel lost and alone.

You’re at an age so many on this site have the epiphany or discovery about BPD. Some would call it a mid life crisis. But it occurs that by becoming enlightened about BPD, you will be able to discover your true self. A fact I’ve often read. So this chimes with your “powers at be” prediction. You also say you feel “lost and alone”. To find yourself, you must first realise you’re lost. So it’s all looking encouraging.   Welcome to our BPD family.  

Wow, so the great awakening happens at 40+ huh? Amazing, maybe that's like a secret portal or something? LOL... .who knows.

It's nice to know I am on the right track.

Feelings of lost and loss are my reality right now. Loss of time, identity, feeling lost due to not being quite sure where to turn or how to exactly go about detaching or taking a really good look at my "uglies".  I have some serious healing to do and it seems like a long road, but hey, I've gotta start somewhere.  It's odd I work well with others at a distance, but in terms of creating close relationships I have bombed every time.

That makes me cry. I long for friendships and romantic partners but know somewhere I'm broken, it's not THEM, it was always ME. The fight or flight syndrome, but then again, I've attracted nothing but abusers so I guess they weren't the stock I wanted anyhow.  This is another thing I want to heal, but where does one begin?

So, at this point, I will keep my head above the water line and keep moving in a positive direction and see what I get. 

Thank you for the encouragement. I needed it.

[Kwamina]

Hi again and you’re not talking my ear of at all

Several weeks after the Karpman's triangle was introduced, an explosive occurance happened when my mother was triggered and BAM! It all just came to light for me. I began doing research, recalling childhood memories, some that were regressed, soo many conversations I have had with my mom, situations, observations made 100% sense. I was in shock for a week, finding myself angery and sad. I am now beginning to move out of the anger phase, still sad as I have to now work on get out of the same environment, finding my identity and making sure my daughter claims her own!

It could be that this explosive occurrence was your breakthrough crisis. I experienced something similar with my BPD relatives a few years ago. I had always known there was something seriously wrong with them but yet I was still somewhat in denial or unable to fully see how dysfunctional my family really was.

I've also discovered that my mother's family has the disorder so it's not just her, my grandmother had it, my uncle has NPD, it's just a nasty situation. One that makes me cry a lot lately. It won't always be that way but it's my truth at the moment.

This is another unfortunate aspect of BPD, often it isn’t limited to just one family member. I’m sorry this is making you cry, realizing the pervasiveness of BPD in one’s family isn’t easy. I have an uBPD mom and uBPD sis myself and I was also shocked to find out that my sister is exactly like my mother. There are slight differences in their behavior of course because no two people are exactly alike, but after a joint explosive rage by them it became clear to me that they both are BPD. That was my breakthrough crisis and since then I’m steadily doing better, still experience ups and downs but I’m hanging in there  You already say yourself that your crying won’t last forever, perhaps this is just a stage you need to go through in your healing process.

My mom is highly intelligent. She can cope and show high performance at work and in some social situations but at home, it's another story entirely. Therefore I am hoping that her intelligence will one day have her seek help or at least allow me to still maintain some kind of "healthy" relationship with her, just not living with her. I hope that makes sense? She seems to give the appearance of trying to stay in my space when I am not around her but I am hoping with me setting some healthy boundaries she'll at least be okay with it. I don't know yet.

Maybe your mom will change someday but for that to happen she really would need to acknowledge there’s something wrong with her and get help and fully commit to managing her BPD. However, even if she doesn’t change you can change and by changing the way you interact with your mother you will also change the dynamics of your relationship with her. Setting boundaries is a very important part of that process indeed. In my opinion those boundaries are primarily for you and to protect your own emotional and mental well being and less about her being okay with it. The unfortunate reality is that people with BPD are not always okay with others setting boundaries with them so that’s also something you gotta be prepared for. If you want to read more about setting and enforcing boundaries, I suggest the following workshops:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

I could go on and on... .but the WORSE is what I call "raging", she does it I think when she's stressed or triggered but it's a constant stream of issues, expectations, things that piss her off. When she does she opens her mouth and all kinds of awful, hurtful things come out, on top of the screaming and I mean body shaking rage! I truly don't get that. It makes me anxiety ridden.

I can definitely see why her raging causes anxiety in you. It sounds like your mother is taking out her frustrations out on you so she can feel better about herself or at least get rid of her negative energy. Does she also treat your daughter this way?

Take care  and I'll see you around

[Sacredheart]

I can definitely see why her raging causes anxiety in you. It sounds like your mother is taking out her frustrations out on you so she can feel better about herself or at least get rid of her negative energy. Does she also treat your daughter this way?

Take care  and I'll see you around [/quote]
Hope all is well with you?

THANK YOU so much for your insights!

This is a journey, one that I am fully aware of and ready to embark upon till completion or at least integration. You know like they say: "Life isn't a destination but a journey."

To answer your question my mom tried ONCE to unload on my daughter and she backed down when I stepped in and my daughter got "spicey" with her. My daughter has a fighter instinct in her that I didn't have with my mother so boldly when I was her age, I welcome it but at the same time have to "temper" it so that we don't have a full out physical confrontation. My mom knows that if she steps over the line with my daughter she's OUT of my life permantely, it's one of those UNSPOKEN things. I didn't know at the time when the drama ensued that this was apart of my mom's MO. She went into her PD dynamic and I cried over the realization after being able to witness her rage and focus it on my daughter how ill she was and literally told her when "trying to work it out" that I can't "save her" or I realized that she's unhealthy and that this situation wasn't good. I also told her that she was a victim of abuse by my grandmother but when ever I bring this up and even in that situation she denies it or doesn't want to deal with it and shuts down.

So, frustration, rage, stress, insecurities, etc. my mom channels toward me, she's just a negative individual period.

Will she change? I don't know. I know I can recall about 7 years back when I had the "bright idea " to establish boundaries that she told me "who did I think I was to establish boundaries?" That comment threw me for a loop, but I knew on the "inside" that her response was not okay but I didn't know what to do with it. I have had a very difficult time with boundaries with my mom all of my life and I know that when I move, she'll come chasing after me again. Pd's maybe to different degrees have an issue with abandonment but their personalities don't allow for team work or togetherness. It's a push-pull dynamic.

Like you indicated, even if she doesn't change, which I don't think she will, and I am an optimistic person, I have it within my control to change and to me at this point, that's all that matters.


May I ask you what uBPD is? I noticed you said both your mother and sister are this?

Have an awesome evening!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Sacredheart  

uBPD = undiagnosed BPD

Both my mom and sister haven't been diagnosed (as far as I know) and probably never will be because in their minds there's nothing wrong with them, everybody else is crazy of course. That's literally what they say about other people, pointing out the perceived craziness in others yet totally unable or unwilling to see what's wrong with their own behavior. Unfortunately this seems to be a position many people with BPD take. On the one hand this is quite frustrating but on the other hand I know just what to expect from them which makes it a little easier to prepare myself for their future behavior. I've been ok, especially considering the fact I was raised by an uBPD mom and had to deal with an uBPD older sis too. This truly is a journey of a lifetime

[Sacredheart]

Hi again Sacredheart  

uBPD = undiagnosed BPD

Both my mom and sister haven't been diagnosed (as far as I know) and probably never will be because in their minds there's nothing wrong with them, everybody else is crazy of course. That's literally what they say about other people, pointing out the perceived craziness in others yet totally unable or unwilling to see what's wrong with their own behavior. Unfortunately this seems to be a position many people with BPD take. On the one hand this is quite frustrating but on the other hand I know just what to expect from them which makes it a little easier to prepare myself for their future behavior. I've been ok, especially considering the fact I was raised by an uBPD mom and had to deal with an uBPD older sis too. This truly is a journey of a lifetime

Hi again!

Sorry for the delay in responding to you! I've been taking it day by day on top of other things that keep us busy. Life.

Thank you for helping with that acroynm I appreciate it.

I am glad you are at point where you can navigate both your mother and your sisters BPD. I am not quite there yet. Somedays I am good and other days I fall right into the Karpman's Triangle.  However, I know with continued work and therapy, healing, I will be a pro at it in no time!    The most important thing is taking care of me and my daughter.

Sending waves of love and thank you for your support. 

[borderlinemom]

I am also new to this site but I understand the eating problem. I have had an on and off weight problem since I was very young. I have never been able to have a successful relationship that lasted to marriage, although I have been engaged. Congratulations for you to having the foresight to have your daughter and ensure that you did not repeat your mother's actions. I never had any children of my own, but I always made an effort to make special days for my nieces and nephews so that they felt loved and accepted unconditionally from someone. I guess that I just wanted to make sure that they had a happy childhood because their parents were very good with them. I am in my 50's and just learning about my mother being BPD. It has been a great release to understand that I do not have a mental illness, I was subjected to someone who did. My mother died in 2000. I never really had the chance to face her about it however it is probably better that way. My dad passed away about 8 months ago, life with him was very different, I did not get to know him that well until after she passed away. She would have seen my relationship with my dad as being unfaithful to her. I am glad that I did have the time to get to know him, he was lively and loving. So different from her.