The most inexplicable thing my BPD did

[Depression = 72% of members]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD. I almost wish we had had some bad times, at the moment there are only the great times and then the heart breaking split to no contact from her at all. Funny thing is that she said if we ever break up she wanted us to be best friends because she thought our connections as so deep!

[drummerboy]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD. I almost wish we had had some bad times, at the moment there are only the great times and then the heart breaking split to no contact from her at all. Funny thing is that she said if we ever break up she wanted us to be best friends because she thought our connections as so deep!

[AG]

Your actually lucky it happened that way. It gets way worse as time progresses. You probably want the bad times so you can put more explanation to it. Like Oh ok I see there was turmoil so I can understand but you will not understand even with the turmoil added to it. They get abusive and raise the bar on the drama over time. To answer your question the most inexplicable was when I was going to go home because I was upset about something. No argument mind you just more of a saddened tone on my part and staging I have to go home. Then went downstairs to smoke a cigarette and she downed a whole bottle of asprin. I came back upstairs to her with a big bottle of wine she was guzzling which I snatched out of her hands and said what are you doing. Mind you she is 4'11 guzzline a bottle of wine like a wino drinking a 40 ounce of beer. It was enough wine to get me drunk and I'm 6'0. Im sure if I think really hard I can come up with a list of unexplicable things she did. You got off easy and with less damage you just don't know how lucky you are. They get real bad. I mean really bad. Just keep coming here no matter what stage you are in anger sadness or whatever. These people on here are literally life savers. Can I ask you when did this happen? How long ago? Judging from only 8 posts it must be recent to my assumption. Also how long were you together and how do you know of the BPD diagnosis?

Just so you know that vanishing reappearing  act is something they do also.

[drummerboy]

We were together for 5 months. 5 months of the most intense, passionate relationship I've ever had. It's now almost 6 months since we split. She has been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder which she had been treated for for 10 years. About 12 months before we met she went off her meds and stopped therapy, within a few months she tried to commit suicide (she told me all this the first time we met) She often talked about bi-polar and depression. It wasn't until I tried to figure out her going so quickly that I found out about BPD and she fits almost all of the traits. The thing she didn't do was lie, she was very honest. I have been in several long term relationships, 5, 10 and 7 years but this one is without doubt the biggest heartbreak I've ever had. Other relationships go through infatuation, normalcy and then a slow downward spiral. This one was absolute euphoria for 5 months then no contact. The day we split I stayed at her place and we even made love. We hugged and cried. She couldn't actually say the words that she wanted to finish. I had to basically say the words for her "You want to end it don't you?" to which she nodded. And then nothing. Imagine the last time you were with your ex you made love and had lunch together and then nothing!

[camuse]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD. I almost wish we had had some bad times, at the moment there are only the great times and then the heart breaking split to no contact from her at all. Funny thing is that she said if we ever break up she wanted us to be best friends because she thought our connections as so deep!

I get this totally, but trust me - you do not want the bad times.   She did you a massive favour.

Mine actually ended us very early on, but it made no sense at all and I persuaded her to try a bit longer. Everything seemed perfect, but she suddenly said I made her feel too anxious. I now realise the anxiety was the end of the honeymoon and the terrifying feelings of closeness and intimacy overtaking. Oh how I wish I'd just let her go.

What followed was 2 years of utter hell, which at times left me physically shaking with shock, and took months to recover from when it ended for good. It was also a waste of time and I missed out on healthy relationships.

In time you will see that she did you a great service.

[Pieter2]

Dude, you are soo lucky! And my advice to you is: Listen to these people's advice. YOU GOT OUT! BE GLAD! I also got out after just 6 months. I am so relieved and happy that I did. BPD persons will drive your family and friends away leaving you isolated. They make people go insane and even drive others to suicide. I've seen it with my ex! They leave destruction in their wake and literally move from friend to friend, boyfriend to boyfriend, family to family. IT NEVER ENDS! I am grateful I got out so soon. You should be too... .Trust me.

[Visitor]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD. I almost wish we had had some bad times, at the moment there are only the great times and then the heart breaking split to no contact from her at all. Funny thing is that she said if we ever break up she wanted us to be best friends because she thought our connections as so deep!

You know this is very interesting. I often wonder if to keep a BPD there needs to be more bad than good. With that I mean you have to keep them chasing or they lose interest.

It's almost as if they feed off of drama like they breath air. The more you show you don't want or need them the more they want and need you.

As soon as you show them love in return you have dropped the ball of yarn and the cat has lost interest.

i would be interested to hear if others have experience the painting black phenomenon when showing to much love and support.

I read an article once about the best way to get rid of a pwBPD is to shower them with love and affection. Call them 4/5 times a day. All at the same time telling them how depressed you are and how much you need them etc etc.

[Popcorn71]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD.

You know this is very interesting. I often wonder if to keep a BPD there needs to be more bad than good. With that I mean you have to keep them chasing or they lose interest.

It's almost as if they feed off of drama like they breath air. The more you show you don't want or need them the more they want and need you.

As soon as you show them love in return you have dropped the ball of yarn and the cat has lost interest.

i would be interested to hear if others have experience the painting black phenomenon when showing to much love and support.

I think you have a good point here.

I was with my xBPDh for 9 years.  The first 3 years were chaotic due to family problems, moving home etc.  The next 3 years were very busy with work and renovating our home.  The final 3 years were quite settled and our 'perfect' life was going to happen within the next few years as my kids got older and would be leaving home.  I am convinced that it was when things became quiet and settled, that my ex got bored and created problems just to upset things between us.  My response was to be more and more supportive to him and I really went to great lengths to sort out the problems.  He reacted by behaving worse and worse as though he was pushing to see just how much abuse I would take.  Eventually he left for the replacement, blaming my son for all our problems and twisting things so he could say that I had treated him badly.

Stangely, he once said to me that he thought that the best times in his previous marriage had been when they had been financially broke and struggled through life.

Maybe they do just love the drama.

I will be interested to see how long life is rosy with the replacement.  For the past year they have had a bit of a crap life and quite a few problems.  They now have a home that they are doing up so there will be another few months of upheaval and work.  After that I would imagine life should become quiet for them.  I wonder what will happen then.  Will boredom set in for him again?

[Skip]

I read an article once about the best way to get rid of a pwBPD is to shower them with love and affection. Call them 4/5 times a day. All at the same time telling them how depressed you are and how much you need them etc etc.

That will make anyone go away.  

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC

I think this is the most often mentioned difficult thing members deal with - how did it go from idealization to "gone"?  One member once wrote

        "there can be no idealization without devaluation"

or in my words, the same hyper-emotions that created the emotional highs and idealization also create the emotional lows of devaluation and write-off.

We all are a mixed bag of emotional thinking and cerebral thinking - but a person with BPD is very much an emotional thinker so every wave of emotion bleeds into the relationship.  

If you think about it, we also have these waves - at work, at home, on the court - but we mediate them intellectually.  A pwBPD just goes with their feelings which tend to manifest  at the extremes.

When we start to demand stability to this inherently instable thinking - the drama flows.  Their feelings are as real real as the feeling we have, but we steer our feelings intellectually to the benefit of both ourselves and others.  The boss makes me mad, I steer my feeling to a place that won't get me fired.

A person with BPD has powerful feelings and little steering caability, like a big out board motor on a boat with no rudder.

[camuse]

I could write 10000 things here! I'll pick one at random.

Went on a long journey to see her friends. Nice trip, had a lot of laughs and fun Literally as I pulled the car up at the destination she begins verbally abusing me for no reason. I am very annoyed and ask why she is starting an argument now. She starts crying. We meet the friends and I'm quite irritated by this. She complains that I'm not acting fun enough for her friends and she is embarrassed by me.

Barmy.

[camuse]

Another thread just reminded me of this incident!

We see a nice looking baby in the street and I remark how cute it is. Cue days of crying and rage, because I apparently once said I wasn't keen on babies, therefore this baby must be mine and I must be cheating with the mother, because "you hate babies", because of something throwaway I said years ago. This really did happen. And even more mad, I found myself defending myself and protesting my innocence!

It's this kind of example that reminds me what I was up against - my friends don't believe me when I tell this this kind of stuff

[camuse]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD. I almost wish we had had some bad times, at the moment there are only the great times and then the heart breaking split to no contact from her at all. Funny thing is that she said if we ever break up she wanted us to be best friends because she thought our connections as so deep!

You know this is very interesting. I often wonder if to keep a BPD there needs to be more bad than good. With that I mean you have to keep them chasing or they lose interest.

It's almost as if they feed off of drama like they breath air. The more you show you don't want or need them the more they want and need you.

As soon as you show them love in return you have dropped the ball of yarn and the cat has lost interest.

i would be interested to hear if others have experience the painting black phenomenon when showing to much love and support.

I read an article once about the best way to get rid of a pwBPD is to shower them with love and affection. Call them 4/5 times a day. All at the same time telling them how depressed you are and how much you need them etc etc.

Yeah I do wonder what would have happened if I had treated her like crap, maybe we'd have lived happily ever after?

But then I remember that I don't want to treat my partner like crap! What a horrible way to live, having to avoid being nice to your SO to keep them from painting you black.

[goldylamont]

For me it was the way she was so intense and deeply into the relationship and then how when she decided to go, she went NC, I just don't understand how a persons emotions can swing like that even though I know it's typical of a BPD. I almost wish we had had some bad times, at the moment there are only the great times and then the heart breaking split to no contact from her at all. Funny thing is that she said if we ever break up she wanted us to be best friends because she thought our connections as so deep!

You know this is very interesting. I often wonder if to keep a BPD there needs to be more bad than good. With that I mean you have to keep them chasing or they lose interest.

It's almost as if they feed off of drama like they breath air. The more you show you don't want or need them the more they want and need you.

As soon as you show them love in return you have dropped the ball of yarn and the cat has lost interest.

i would be interested to hear if others have experience the painting black phenomenon when showing to much love and support.

I read an article once about the best way to get rid of a pwBPD is to shower them with love and affection. Call them 4/5 times a day. All at the same time telling them how depressed you are and how much you need them etc etc.

Yeah I do wonder what would have happened if I had treated her like crap, maybe we'd have lived happily ever after?

But then I remember that I don't want to treat my partner like crap! What a horrible way to live, having to avoid being nice to your SO to keep them from painting you black.

it's not about treating them like crap. although, if you did treat your ex like crap they might actually respect you a bit more than if you tried to please their every whim. the reason is because strength and self esteem are attractive qualities in a partner. if you are treating your SO like crap, this may not feel good to the partner, but it does telegraph that you have strong self-interests and care more about how you perceive yourself than how others perceive you.

i think it really does break down to this--a characteristic of strong individuals is that they care more about how they perceive themselves than how others perceive them. if they feel good about themselves and know what they like/dislike, and are willing to stand up for their values and themselves, then this is a very attractive quality to have. but you don't have to be an a-hole to be strong and stand up for yourself. however, i think a common misunderstanding of someone who historically has had weaker boundaries is that they have to act like an a-hole to show strength. because an a-hole is completely self serving and can fool people into thinking they are strong. but, no you don't have to be a completely self-centered uncaring person to be strong. it is true that self-centered, un-empathetic people have stronger boundaries, yet much of their behavior comes out of fear and self-hate. in a sense they are acting this way because they themselves feel weak, feel that others can hurt them so they take advantage of everyone else as a protective measure << you don't want to be this person.

contrast this to a person who truly does value how they view themselves over how others may view them, yet still remains empathic and open. this person is truly strong because they value themselves and are strong enough to value others, because they trust themselves to judge and protect themselves when others step out of line.

to be blunt, an a-hole type may have stronger boundaries created from their own selfishness, but over time being around them wears thin because not many will tolerate or enjoy their presence. they simply aren't that happy. a people pleaser/nice guy/gal is actually just as selfish as anyone else, it's just that they think they can get what they want by being subservient to their own needs--this proves to be wrong and unattractive. a person of true strength can be vulnerable and giving of themselves because they know who they are and how much they are willing to give before having to pull away--they trust that they will know the right thing to do if their core values are ever challenged.

[camuse]

Thanks, so what happens when a strong person enforces boundaries 100% with a BPD? Presumably it isn't happy ever after?

[Skip]

Thanks, so what happens when a strong person enforces boundaries 100% with a BPD? Presumably it isn't happy ever after?

Do you mean what happens when a strong person has values, believes in them, walks the talk, and communicates them in a balanced way to others?

If they live the values (as opposed to giving them lip service) people will often respect them even if they don't agree.

Some of people in their life will rise from the leadership.  Others may lock horns with it or vacate.  Living a value driven life attracts some people and alienates others.  

As a general rule, people with pwBPD traits fare better in a structured and caring environment.

Will our values cure someone else?  No.   But we won't be so conflicted.  And we provide better leadership and a role model to those around us.