I am no expert on the medication you describe but I had years and years of prescribed medication for various things - mostly muscular-skeletal damage.
my main problem was feeling dependent on them.
It occurred to me of late that I actually fear trauma more than pain. Is that something you might relate to?
I also wonder if you have any kind of 'accounting' belief structure that might help you deal with your anger? ( I found it easier to deal with my anger when i separated it up into two parts one - the natural emotion that comes out in any 'normal' situation of danger or frustration and two) the justified indignation that I am entitled to as a result of surviving BPD abuse. I also believe that things must be balanced out in the end and powers greater than me will do the accounting. Some call it karma. i call it something different. And even death cannot prevent it - energy cannot be created or destroyed but it can be degraded and channelled. I trust in the laws of physics to sort out my accounting!
I also note the phrasing you used in these places:
Mainly, anger from a lifetime of mistreatment and anger at myself for not standing up to the BPD sufferers who harshly verbally abused me.
If I continue to do things I like, such as, write, write here in BPD, exercise, lose weight, do you think my need for these medication will go away?
As I mentioned above, negative thoughts are what upset me a great deal. Negative thoughts that result in me beating myself up, about how I coped with BPD parents and partners in business. I am thoroughly confused about whether or not I should have stood up to my abusers. I always thought that it is useless to argue with “a lunatic.” “I am okay; they are nuts.” has always been my motto, so I just didn’t respond to their insane talk.
not standing up to BPD sufferers. That shows compassion towards them but can I ask - even though they are/were sufferers aren't you entitled to compassion too? in fact more? How could you have stood up to them? You were a little kid! One who should have been protected and loved and nurtured and grown. You have a RIGHT to be angry!
That kind of anger tends to abate with knowledge and time and true healing. Or is there something else at work? Gloveman how do you feel about
not being angry? Would you be comfortable with it? Is it perhaps part unresolved pain and part habit? i have some pain that I have kept for years. But I acknowledge it to myself and forgive myself for not letting it go yet. When i am ready I trust myself to be capable of it.
You ask if we think you will be able to reduce your need for medication with the steps you are taking. more important is : Do
YOU believe your need will abate?
It's understandable that you didn't want to argue with the 'lunatics' - you needed to protect yourself as best you knew how - but maybe it also resulted in your voice not being heard by yourself? There's something that happens to the amygdala and the hippocampus when we hear ourselves talk that alters our memory and emotion of the events we are talking about. it's why we get kids to describe their nightmares. No one really knows why - apparently some redistribution of electromagnetic memory information or something. The thing is, thinking about it and saying it out loud are two completely different neural processes. Do you think it's worth talking to the crazies maybe in your loungeroom? Or on your back porch? Out loud? Maybe not because
they will hear what you have to say but because
YOU will?
I love reading your writings and I have no fear that you could do anything you wanted to. You are intelligent, resourceful and capable. I hope to hear more of your thoughts
Ziggiddy
Ziggiddy
