Hi HappyChappy,
Thanks for this post, I think you raise some very good points. This silent sneaky abuse can be just as bad or even worse than the 'big' abuse because all these little jibes add up to one constant massive blow to our self-esteem and self-worth. Your BPD mom was probably well aware of that and among other things this behavior probably helped her control and manipulate you and keep you down.
What still goads me is the way BPD and Narks expertly hide their abuse. My BPDm would pick holes in my friends poor grammar, spelling or swearing. Being dyslexic my BPDm convinced me I would fail at everything until I learnt to spell. I now realise, it’s a very effective way of undermining people.
Exactly! My uBPD sister did/does something similar. Before I came along she was the highest educated one and acted like a snob and was always pointing out the supposed spelling and grammar mistakes of the other family members. In reality however, her own spelling and grammar really isn't that great and some of the mistakes she pointed out weren't mistakes at all. She found it a lot harder to do this with me though because I got a higher education but she still to this day makes remarks about the spelling and grammar of my other sister in particular.
I have to say in the UK forums they are strict on abuse, but relaxed about expletives. But my BPD could abuse you all day long without ever using an expletive or splitting an infinitive. To me this constant subtle abuse, that leaves no marks, that can never be pinned down as abuse is the omnipresent pressure they excerpt. How do you combat that ? If you ever take exception you get “that’s not what I meant” “don’t be so sensitive”.
I unfortunately experienced this too. My mother subjected me to emotional and psychological abuse without using expletives. When I would get angry with her and try to resist she immediately would assume an extreme victim role (because I was supposedly hurting her), pretend like she didn't know what I was talking about or justify her behavior. Difficult to combat indeed but now that I'm an adult and have learned about BPD I'm getting better able to deal with this behavior. When you ask how do yo combat that, do you mean how do you combat the negativity internally in your own mind or how do you verbally combat your mother? I keep reminding myself that I should drastically lower my expectations of my mother and shouldn't take anything she says or does seriously because it's only a reflection of all the chaos and negativity inside of her and says nothing about who I really am. No matter if she acknowledges her bad behavior or not, I change my behavior towards her whenever she misbehaves so she's aware that there are consequences.
It would be great to nail the odd BPD in court. I think my problen is I've always been saving someone, protecting someone and I find it difficult to let injustice go. Anyone got any tips ? And don't say become a lawyer .
In court she would probably put on another mask and have everybody thinking you were to blame for everything Letting go of injustice is difficult, especially when it concerns our parents who 'should' have loved and protected us. But even if you would get your day in court with her, would it really change anything or get you your childhood back? Odds are that she probably still wouldn't fully or genuinely acknowledge how she has hurt you. It's very frustrating, I find that too, but maybe it's better for your own sake to try and let certain things go and instead work on the things you can change. It's definitely unfair, but that unfortunately is the way it is for us children of BPD parents.
