Twist of Fate

[Ripples]

Even after several years out of my relationship, a time where I have seen my ex meet a new guy, have two kids and buy a house, today's news still knocked me a little. She sent me a text announcing that tomorrow she will marry him. It will be a low key affair with just family. She will keep her name but will now be Mrs and not Miss. She says it's time because it feels safer now she has two kids and house with him. She didnt mention love.

Typically, when I received the message I was in the exact same place I took her on our first date all those years ago. What a strange twist of fate!

On the surface its sad, but inside im relieved. I do still have that one niggling question though.

Why did it work with this guy?

[LostGhost]

And why send you a personal message to tell you about it all these years later? Just to twist the knife that she already put in your back and torture a little more? Awful. I'm sorry for your pain.   That same fear is in the back of my head. What if the next one "works" for her. I'm not sure how'd I'd internalize that.

[corraline]

I used to wonder the same question when i thought about my ex being married and committed for 22 years to the same person with two lovely daughters.  Why did he choose to marry her and settle down when he tells me that he loved me more than any one else etc.? Why did he not choose me this way ? I found out later that her marriage with him definitely wasn't ideal. I also found out that all of his so called committed relationships he did not maintain any real commitment.   He even told me near the end that I was the only woman he was ever monogamous with (he has been in many relationships, he's a senior )  We don't always get all of the info about what "working out " really means as far as other relationships they have. Does that make me feel better knowing his history now ? Knowing the history and what i know about BPD helps to depersonalize it somewhat. But I'm still hurting that mine didn't work out, and I'm trying to accept this and grieve the loss.

I'm sorry that she has contacted you to tell you this.  It must hurt .

[Ripples]

Yes it does hurt a bit. I wrote her an email in response which I regarded as a normal response given the circumstances. She messaged me back thanking me for my nice words and said she would reply in a few days.

Where did all the weirdness go! I hope she has learnt from her experiences and now feels a degree of empathy and sensitivity!

[willtimeheal]

She says it's time because it feels safer now she has two kids and house with him. She didnt mention love.

On the surface its sad, but inside im relieved. I do still have that one niggling question though.

Why did it work with this guy?

Did it really work with this guy?  Does he have a person who truly loves him? Or does he have a person who is hiding from the world and sees him as a safe place?

[BacknthSaddle]

Why did it work with this guy?

Please remember that, as many of our members can attest, the fact that she is getting married does not mean that it "works." 

[half-life]

It is not a bad thing she has messaged you about the marriage. It means you are not completely estranged. It probably would be worst if she does not tell you and then you find out later.

Like others, I'm not so sure they really worked. If there is some unique chemistry that make it work between them, this is for the best. I rather the world have more love than conflicts. It also mean your care taker role is now official completed. You can move on and seek your true love and a fulfilling life.

[whatathing]

I think an important key is that they´re control freaks and they can´t stand intimacy. So, maybe she feels safe with him because she gets to control (mind that it´s not true intimacy nor true love, where people take risks and accept powerful feelings), and maybe she´s able to be emotionally distanced with him, which wouldn´t be something I´d describe as success in a r/s. Unfortunately, a good sign that a r/s has meaning for them, is that they end it. That´s the paradox of their love. It´s toxic, and not good for making you happy.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Why is she contacting you?

I think that triangulation has already begun.  Please do not get sucked into it.

[BacknthSaddle]

I think an important key is that they´re control freaks and they can´t stand intimacy. So, maybe she feels safe with him because she gets to control (mind that it´s not true intimacy nor true love, where people take risks and accept powerful feelings), and maybe she´s able to be emotionally distanced with him, which wouldn´t be something I´d describe as success in a r/s. Unfortunately, a good sign that a r/s has meaning for them, is that they end it. That´s the paradox of their love. It´s toxic, and not good for making you happy.

I think there is truth to this.  My ex's longest-lasting r/s was with her ex-husband; that lasted 8 years.  That r/s "worked" precisely because they were so emotionally distanced.  They rarely if ever discussed feelings or emotions, or communicated in adult way at all.  Their fights consisted of name-calling and then leaving the house/silent treatment, possibly followed by getting drunk/making out.  He was able to go months without paying rent and was able to feed an addiction to prescription pills for years, completely unbeknownst to her.  There was infidelity on both sides.  Truly nothing in the marriage "worked."  It was inevitably going to fail, and it did. 

My efforts to communicate honestly about my feelings were met with fear and hostility.  During the idealization phase these efforts were of course "amazing" and got me lines like "I didn't know that someone like you existed."  Of course by the end I was "overbearing."  It was too painful to have to face the emotions. 

Anyway, once again, I'll agree with the others: don't get sucked into the triangulation. 

[letmeout]

I agree with the others too: don't get sucked into the triangulation.  She isn't doing it because it is 'working' but because it is the option she has chosen, for now.

[Ripples]

Thank you all for your responses.

One thing that stands out is what half-life says... .

"It also mean your care taker role is now official completed."

That is exactly how it feels. Despite the mild feeling of sadness I do feel that she is not my problem anymore. And I did say this to her in my response... ."now its time to finally say goodbye".

And  this feels like relief to me.