no contact vs silent treatment

[hurting300]

 When I BPD person suddenly disappears, and dumps you without telling you is that considered the silent treatment or no contact? Isn't no contact something you TELL your ex your going to do before you start ignoring them?

[LettingGo14]

Here's how I define silent treatment -- "silence we feel victimized by."  And here is how I define no contact -- "a boundary we establish for healing ourselves."

Do you need to proclaim No Contact to the person who abandoned us?  No.

Should you proclaim it?  Not necessarily, especially if it's about your healing.  (Sometimes we view No Contact as a way to punish our wayward exes... .and, if that's the case, it is more like silent treatment.)

Others have expressed desire for no contact after contact was initiated by an ex.  But, most find that such expression is best done in the spirit of "healing" rather than "punishment."

Does that make sense?

[hurting300]

Ok so... .Which is she doing?

[LettingGo14]

Ok so... .Which is she doing?

Ohhh. 

If I knew, I would definitely tell you!  But, based on what I experienced personally and what I read from members here, it is neither right now.   I surmise that she is avoiding her own emotional pain by finding a source of comfort elsewhere, or numbing it somehow.

What do you think she is doing?

[hurting300]

I got dumped without being told. Came home and she moved out. I tried calling texting to no avail. That's why I was asking what the difference is.

[BacknthSaddle]

I got dumped without being told. Came home and she moved out. I tried calling texting to no avail. That's why I was asking what the difference is.

Hurting,

It's hard to say without more context.  Has she given you the silent treatment in the past?  Does she use other similar passive-aggressive techniques to hurt you?  Have you had any sorts of disagreements?

Ultimately without knowing the situation it's going to be impossible for anyone to answer this question.  And, even with context, the answers would be speculative. 

[hurting300]

She actually did it once for two days. We had a disagreement and she blocked me for two days. The day she left everything was fine, we text almost all day long and had sex before I left for work. When I came home she was gone. It's been four months. She wasn't the rage type at all.

[LettingGo14]

She actually did it once for two days. We had a disagreement and she blocked me for two days. The day she left everything was fine, we text almost all day long and had sex before I left for work. When I came home she was gone. It's been four months. She wasn't the rage type at all.

Wow. I am so sorry.  Have you read the book The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson?

[hurting300]

No, honestly I'm just needing to know if it's typical for them to make contact again. And is this punishment? She has however driven by my house a few times. It's well out of her way. Not even sure where she's getting money . She never worked.

[antjs]

hurting i think i know a little abstract about your story. your ex ran away with your child one morning and she has been driving around the house (thats what you have heard) am i right ?

i think if this your case, you do not need to label her behavior. she has a fear of engulgment (ran away) and also a fear of abandonment (thats why she drives around to make herself feel that you can be there any moment she needs you). stop trying to label the behavior. observe the behavior and accept that this it is happening. ask yourself do you want to cope with that behavior happening every now and then ? or do you want to end dealing with this behavior ?

[hurting300]

Yeah that's my story. I'm just having a terrible emotional day. I'm trying to be mad at her I really am but Damn it. I can't help but love and miss her. She ask me to marry her in March. Why did i have to say "no because I can't trust you"

[antjs]

that is really a good question but i do not think that is the right time to dig for an answer. now you have to hold your feelings whatever they are (anger, shame, guilt, depression, abandonment) soothe yourself. know that you matter to yourself. acknowledge that you deserve a better treatment. there is no single excuse for abuse in the whole world. even in the past i thought prisoners are being abused by being thrown in prison but when i thought about it deeply it is to keep other people safe of them. there is no single reason in this whole world to abuse a person. i am really sorry for your situation. i am trying to imagine how hard it is. you emotions and thoughts matter please validate them.

[hurting300]

I was told by professionals working my case not to speak to her and thank my lucky stars she is gone. I was told after they looked at her files that she could be very dangerous if encountered. I always felt something was wrong with her. I took care of her for almost 18 months! Spoon fed her when she was sick. Rubbed her back every night in bed. And all she did was smear my name and lie to me. I'm a weak man now.

[antjs]

I was told by professionals working my case not to speak to her and thank my lucky stars she is gone. I was told after they looked at her files that she could be very dangerous if encountered.

i think after what you have said that safety comes first before emotions. you have to protect yourself. did you get to know what exactly is written in these files ?

I always felt something was wrong with her.

we all did and ignored it. do not beat yourself up. you have just learned a great lesson.

I took care of her for almost 18 months! Spoon fed her when she was sick. Rubbed her back every night in bed. And all she did was smear my name and lie to me. I'm a weak man now.

thats why it is called a disorder. because it is not a logical reaction to all your loving and kind actions.

[hurting300]

They think she has this disorder, however sociopath traits are over lapping. I think she is watching me. I remember when we first met, she said "I like you"... my response was (why don't you show me? You seem cold all the time honey)... then she went into how multiple guys raped her but on the dates these rapes happened her Facebook updates said other wise. I found myself playing detective all the time, but my god she was so additive.

[antjs]

I am not a therapist or an expert. But i have been thinking about this. If BPDs are impulsive, have mood swings, very strong emotions and no object constancy. What if my ex once woke up in the middle of the night while i am sleeping next to her and she would "feel" that i am not faithful or i have been cheating on her or whatever. What her impulsivness would let her do when feelings are facts for her ? I am glad that i was not stabbed with a knife in my sleep. I am thankful to God that i am out of this relationship physically ok and alive.

[hurting300]

I woke up one night, and she was staring at me. I ask her what's up, she said I'm just making sure you're ok... She was like a navy seal, She would play hide and seek with me and the whole time I was looking for her she would be behind me. Because she would grab me. She NEVER made one peep. The blank stares would scare me.