I know now what I MUST do.

[mywifecrazy]

I fully understand now what I MUST do to be fully healed and to be able to put the past behind me and become the HEALTHY person that God intended me to be.

I must find a way to remain in NC (extreme limited as we have kids) with my uBPDxw and also find a way to forgive her in my heart.

It's not easy because of the things she has done to me and continues to do that hurt me and my sons.  The NC has helped me get my mind clear and take the focus off of her. But it doesn't do anything for the hatred that is inside of me for her. Forgiveness (when I'm practicing it) helps me to release the hate but if I'm not careful it draws me back into her world. What I mean by that is I start feeling sorry for her and my tendencies to want to help her return. Even if I'm not physically helping her or talking to her just the thought of wanting to help her takes me MENTALLY out of NC.

ITS LIKE BEING ON A PENDULUM! Many days I can feel the shortness of breath and anxiety. God I want her out of my head. It's only been a year, I guess I have to give it time.

Your thoughts are appreciated... .MWC

[Mutt]

Hi MWC,

You had a long history with your ex together. It's been a year. Grieving is a process. What stage of the process do you feel like your in now? Are you in the anger phase? Keep in mind that you may cycle in a stage more than once. What's on your mind about your ex?

[mywifecrazy]

Hi MWC,

You had a long history with your ex together. It's been a year. Grieving is a process. What stage of the process do you feel like your in now? Are you in the anger phase? Keep in mind that you may cycle in a stage more than once. What's on your mind about your ex?

Thanks for responding Mutt!

I feel that I'm in the acceptance stage but that I bounce in and out of the Anger stage FREQUENTLY. I also have some residual depression hanging around. I can feel shortness of breathe at times.

My older son and I have both agreed that his Mother (my uBPDxw) makes it hard for us to move forward as she is constantly shaking up,across the street. He said he feels like he takes one step forwards only to be send back two steps with her actions. That is harder on him because she is no longer my wife but is HIS mother. He's stuck with her!

I know it's only been a year and I'm LIGHT YEARS ahead of how I was the first 6 months after she left us. I guess I posted this thread because I was wondering if NC and complete forgiveness can co-exist? I guess I feel guilty about the NC wall I have up but I KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that it is necessary for my own sanity.

MWC 

[Mutt]

You were together for 18 years?  Forgive me if I have the length of time wrong. I'm seperated for 15 months and almost 8 years with the ex.

The length of time for grieving is different for everyone and closure of a LTR is measured with the length of time that you had in the r/s. It's not a definitive clear time line OK I will be better by such and such a date.

Infidelity is a difficult thing to process. For me it went against my core values and the value I hold with a covenant that is sacred between two people. I took my end very seriously and I have second thoughts on certain men she was friends with, was there an emotional affair? I felt violated and a fundamental foundation of trust between two people destroyed. It's tough when the other spouse doesn't validate that. Life goes on for them and its as if nothing happened, disassociate. I accept, but there are times when I get triggered no doubt. I see her when we exchange kids, I have PTSD triggered throughout my body and see her with a false facade, she looks happy and invalidates what we had. We both have a right to our anger, but to work through healthy anger. It's going to take some time to put all of this behind. A non disordered r/s can take years for either to get to a position where there's no malcontent between each other. I see it as were still in the early phases of separation and divorce. Having your ex so close to you, mine as well doesn't help. It feels like scabs re-open and it triggers feelings and memories and I see the replacement ever now and then. The nonchalant attitude both have hurts.

NC is a tool to heal and to get out of the FOG. Forgiveness is something you will have to look into to your heart to find. I think your anger is from grieving and you can't deal with 18 years in my opinion in a year. You feel the difference, so do I because I feel like I have taken control back of my life and confidence that things are going to get better. There's no reason to stay in her FOG, it distorts and takes away your self-esteem and triggers feelings.

Do you think that you may not be completely over grieving?

Have you thought of moving? I'm moving out of this neighborhood I live in. I shared a lot if memories and its time to move on. I think you need to reframe this as going easy on yourself and looking at this in the Longview. It's a matter of time and it will come, forgiveness and letting go of that residual anger. She broke a trust a contract that's hard.

[charred]

A year is quite a while... been 18 months NC myself... and its worlds better now than it was those first few months. Mindfulness helps reduce the rumination, stress and anxiety... was a lifesaver.  There is a lot to accept in a BPD breakup... and its not easy... .forgiving my exBPDgf... took about a year... but forgiving myself... not even close. The shortness of breath... is normal for anxiety... you constrict your breathing, don't breath from diaphragm... its tension. Look on web/youtube for bioenergetics breathing exercises... basically ways to learn to relax and breath deep again... and feel things again.

The intense feelings from the BPD r/s were both horrible and magical... but were not my normal state of being before the r/s. After it, I am finding I was detached and the pwBPD managed to get to me and truly shake me up. With her out of my life it would be easy to go back to being detached/numb, but I want to feel alive and that starts with relaxing and breathing and learning to feel again.

You can do it, if you are a year out... the worse is over.

Great job... it takes guts to make that kind of life change and unless someone has been where you are ... .they have no idea how much its like a ride through a meat grinder.

[mywifecrazy]

Thanks for your responses!

Mutt, I do think it would be easier emotionally if I moved but I don't want to do anything impulsively because moving would put me in more debt that I am currently in. My X is not only worthless as a co-parent but she only works 20hrs a week so she isn't much of a help financially with the kids either. I'm their only hope for the future as far as their college education goes. Something is also telling me to stay in my house and let things play out as I have to be honest I thought she would have moved in there by now an I wonder WHY she hasn't yet. I know if it was up to her she would have been in there by now.

Until whatever happens I will continue to TRY to put it into Gods hands!

MWC... .

[Mutt]

I understand with financial viability. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety your are going through with breathing issues. Our stories share similarities.

I didn't know at the time that I was witnessing a dissociate phase with my ex. I was thinking logical - she has no job, money and way of truly supporting herself. How is she going to make this work? I thought that she was going through something and let her work it out of her system and her plan is going to fall apart within a month or two and we'll get back together. She will come back but the reality of it is that she found a new attachment and she was returning to an emotional baseline - she has an unstable sense of self. An unbelievable act on impulse and narcissism at the time but I sense that it was done out of a means of survival for her. The dysfunctional cycle is repeating with the new attachment only time will tell when she finds someone new.

It's been a year and a half since the split and it is easier - she's a stone throw away. I want the kids to maintain some stability. I want them to continue at their current schools, they are young and I'll look for a place near that's by their school but far enough that I don't need to see either her or him. Who knows they may even move away. She doesn't say anything that doesn't validate a narcissistic need. I parallel parent and she'll go outside of the boundaries and ask for money. I don't hear about anything else - how kids are coping, what plans that she has for them etc.

It saddens me that their mother doesn't see what her behaviors (splitting, narcissism) does to the children. I like you am taking care of the children's emotional needs and plan for their future - one that is healthier. It demonstrates how emotionally immature she truly is.

[mywifecrazy]

I hear you Mutt, I often fantasize about waking up in a house and not having to see what is across the street.  I get a taste for it when I'm camping with my boys we are so at peace and relaxed. It's like a chess match I'm just waiting for her next move. Honestly I feel like it's a win/win situation. Like my son said, why should we move, we don't have anything to be ashamed of!

MWC... .

[Mutt]

Good point mywifecrazy. She met him through my old upstairs neighbors - a couple with a young family. The replacement was friends with the woman that used to live upstairs and now across from me. I moved to the opposite complex and no one in that family can look me in the eyes. I didn't know what black or white thinking was when I lived with ex. She used to split the woman black from time to time and avoid her - same with her friends. I know of the stories through my ex's distortion campaign and I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Her actions are her own and don't belong to me.

The family and replacement are very good friends with my ex  - they go camping with my kids from time to time. No one understands what's going on behind the curtains - my ex's distorted belief system. I do. My ex has a sort of seasonal transference and it starts in the fall - her engulfment swing of the pendulum. This happened every year for 7 years and this is the first year they moved in. Ex would point her finger at me "Mutt you get like this every time of the year!" (projection) and the devaluation was underway. I used to dread fall and winter. I wouldn't be surprised by January 2015 it will be their first seperation - karma  I went through this experience and either left or got kicked out - the choices offered and on the 7th year the final split black.

She is not self aware - undiagnosed and very ill and he's in the fire now. The only chess move is that there is no move to win - by not playing the game. Karma is their own - I control mine. I take care of what's really important - my three babies that they neglect. Your son is smart  

[mywifecrazy]

I hear ya  Mutt. I didn't know about black/white thinking or splitting either. It's eery to think about all the times she must have been devaluing me over 20 years and I didn't have a clue. Your situation sounds tough too. I'm glad to hear that you will be able to move. I  think that will help you put and keep things behind you. Besides if you meet someone you like what do you think their reaction would be to know your X is across the street? I know that would make me think twice about getting involved with someone! I know I haven't ruled out moving on my end. When I said It's like a chess match and I'm waiting for her to make her move I was only referring to weather she moves in with my neighbor not my relationship or anything personal with her. In that case I know it's a no win situation! I definitely want to keep her out of my life... .NEVER EVER GOING BACK THERE!

You'll have to let me know what it feels like after you move. I bet you'll feel a sense of peace and renewal and put much of the crap behind you for good. I'm envious!

MWC

PS... My son is smart. It's a crappy situation for my boys but they are learning some valuable lessons early in their lives. The three of us are closer than ever!