Do you ever address spying?

[Nope]

D11 is spying for her BPD mom. I get the feeling she doesn't even know why she is actually doing it. She is the "all good" child and very loyal to her mother in that she'll do whatever her mother asks her to do and answer any questions her mother asks her truthfully. Even inappropriate questions. D11 snoops in our phones and eavesdrops every chance she gets. Even sitting on the stairs outside our bedroom door petting the cat when she knows her dad and I are having a private conversation.

Obviously we let her know We don't appreciate snooping and eavesdropping. But should we call her out on the reporting? And if so, how?

I know the simple answer is to do nothing that gives her something useful to report. But we are just a few days away from a final custody show down and their BPD mom and she wants to make anything she can think of into a huge hairy deal. Which just causes their dad to have more to explain in court.

[JulesC]

My view would be to set a clear boundary. It's not ok with you that she's listening outside doors, your phone is your property not hers etc. You don't have to be heavy handed or unkind about it, but you can be firm and clear. Setting boundaries is a necessary part of healthy parenting and kids need it so it won't do any harm and will certainly support you as you edge closer to custody decision. Good luck, hope it goes well 

[Turkish]

JulesC has a good point about being firm with the unacceptable behavior. I'd add that it might be good to work SET into the conversation somehow. Since you mentioned court is imoending, it would be good to wait until that is over. If you need to discuss things with your husband before the court date, do it "offlne." Maybe this seems a little too cloak and dagger, but I wouldn't alter the tone of the conversations that are spied upon too much, or she might report back hat something is going on. Then again, without content, her informational intelligence lacks teeth.

[NorthernGirl]

Spying put kids in such an awful position. We had to address this with my stepson, who has special needs, and was being told by his mom that it was okay to eavesdrop and report back to her because she is his mom. He was about 17 at the time but was more like an 11 or 12 year old in terms of his maturity.

We caught SS standing outside our door a few times and DH spoke with him, but didn't think it was a big deal. But then we caught SS calling his mom to tell her that he'd stood outside our bedroom door to listen in on a conversation DH had been in with his lawyer and DH realized it was very serious. DH wasn't very good at applying consequences, especially with his special needs son, but in this case he laid down a consequence that shocked SS. It was actually quite small but was a big deal in SS's world  He begged and pleaded but realized DH wasn't going to relent.

After a good cry, he finally came and spoke to DH about how hard it was when his mom asked him to do these things. SS said she was so happy when he would call her with news of what he'd heard. It was one of the few times she heaped praise on him and told him what a good son he was.

It was a great conversation starter for DH to talk about how SS wasn't responsible for his mom's happiness. DH had a number of conversations after that about how we expect SS to do the right thing, and eavesdropping was not the right thing. At one point DH asked what would happen if SS did the same with his mom and he said something like "she would scream and yell for days." I believe it was one of the ways SS started to see that maybe his mom wasn't always right.

It was a tough lesson for SS to learn, but an important one.