Were YOU the replacement?

[mywifecrazy]

Yes I was a replacement too. Didn't realize it until 20 yrs later after I discovered this site, got out of the FOG and started to put the pieces together of the puzzle that was my 20yrs with uBPDxw.

When I met her she said she broke up with her current boyfriend to start dating me. I highly doubt it went down as she portrayed it to me. She told me all kinds of stories about how abusive he was (Gee where have I heard this before? About a thousand time on this site maybe?). Told me how he would physically abuse her and even force himself on her sexually (RAPE). I remember this guy following us around with this bewildered look on his face. I was shocked and thought he was just an abusive stalker. Now that I look back I realize that he was just in shock of her sudden abandonment of him and all the horrible untrue lies she was spewing about him. Of course like all of us rescuers on here I thought of myself as this noble gentleman that was such a good guy for being so kind and loving to this poor little damsel in distress . We end up getting married and eventually have 2 sons together.

Fast forward 20 yrs later and I catch my little damsel in distress in bed with our neighbor friend on Fathers Day 2013. What a Fathers Day gift... .She couldn't have just gotten me a card or even an ugly tie .  . This neighbor was also her BEST FRIENDS husband  I come to find out that she was using the SAME EXACT BPD Bull$hit stories with my neighbor  about me WORD FOR WORD that she used on me about her old boyfriend. I mean WORD FOR WORD! How I was physically abusive and how I forced myself on her sexually (Rape). The rest is history.

I do have this strong desire to look up her old boyfriend and apologize for believing all the lies she told me about him. God knows I know what he must have felt like 20 years ago when she was smearing his reputation!

MWC

[Infared]

MWC... our BPD ex's are mentally ill.  The treatment with all of us is so similar. You had a much worse time of it than me, but mine treated me in a very similar way, just like the guy before me, with all the accompanying lies and smearing, me ex hero and painted black... .The thing that confounds me that they "appear" to have no awareness as to how F'ed-up their behavior is?

It makes me crazy.  I have strict no contact and mine has tried to walk up to me on occasion in public (only when she is alone of course, her behavior is completely different if she is with loverboy)... and she attempts to engage me in conversation like nothing ever happened and then she has this perplexed look on her face when I just walk away, like she is confused as to why I wouldn't just be the same caring, loving guy I always was to her?  Like she can't imagine why I would not like to stand around with her and chat about the weather?  She admitted to none of her transgression, apologized for nothing and she thinks (much to loverboy's chagrin---oh wait... he won't know he isn't there, so that makes it OK), and she thinks I should just stand around in a parking lot and chat it up with her... .like nothing ever happened?

Are they that vapid?

[Zon]

Yes I was a replacement too. Didn't realize it until 20 yrs later after I discovered this site, got out of the FOG and started to put the pieces together of the puzzle that was my 20yrs with uBPDxw.

When I met her she said she broke up with her current boyfriend to start dating me. I highly doubt it went down as she portrayed it to me. She told me all kinds of stories about how abusive he was (Gee where have I heard this before? About a thousand time on this site maybe?). Told me how he would physically abuse her and even force himself on her sexually (RAPE). I remember this guy following us around with this bewildered look on his face. I was shocked and thought he was just an abusive stalker. Now that I look back I realize that he was just in shock of her sudden abandonment of him and all the horrible untrue lies she was spewing about him. Of course like all of us rescuers on here I thought of myself as this noble gentleman that was such a good guy for being so kind and loving to this poor little damsel in distress .

I was thinking this yesterday:  I am tempted to find the man I replaced (20+ years ago) to find out what happened from his perspective.  Any little bit helps to see the truth.

[hergestridge]

My wife was 16 when we me, and I was not the replacement as such. But for our first year together

she was obsessed/devastated by a guy she had hit on previously to me that had turned her down. I remember that I thought it was rude to me to go on about that (I mean, basically it was saying she'd rather have him!), but it was like she didn't care. I was supposed to understand how difficult that was for her.

[mywifecrazy]

MWC... our BPD ex's are mentally ill.  The treatment with all of us is so similar. You had a much worse time of it than me, but mine treated me in a very similar way, just like the guy before me, with all the accompanying lies and smearing, me ex hero and painted black... .The thing that confounds me that they "appear" to have no awareness as to how F'ed-up their behavior is?

Yes we are kindred spirits Infared! I know that's what KILLS me. My uBPDxw acts like it's totally normal to jump in bed with the neighbor then SWITCH families and live across the street  If I didn't have kids I would love it that she's across the street because I want to see his face when HE gets out of the FOG and reality hits him in the face and he realizes that he was PLAYED... .but I won't hold my breathe because it took me 20 yrs!

It makes me crazy.  I have strict no contact and mine has tried to walk up to me on occasion in public (only when she is alone of course, her behavior is completely different if she is with loverboy)

The most important lesson I learned on this site is No Contact... .Learn it, live it, love it NC is what allowed me the get out of the FOG and get my head cleared. Yes ONLY WHEN SHE IS ALONE because if she is with the new r/s she has to go into CHAMELEON mode and channel one of her false identities that's related to the lies she is feeding the new guy. My X has told so many lies to so many people I don't know how she can keep up appearances! It's the probably the main reason why she abandoned her Mom, Sister and brother. Because once the FOG lifted for me, I talked to her family and we all compared notes and realized she was lying to all of us. She can't confront anyone she lied to so she just creates a new world with new people and leaves everyone else behind... .very sick mind!

Have you had the chance to be around her when she is with LOVERBOY to whiteness her different personality?

... and she attempts to engage me in conversation like nothing ever happened and then she has this perplexed look on her face when I just walk away, like she is confused as to why I wouldn't just be the same caring, loving guy I always was to her?  Like she can't imagine why I would not like to stand around with her and chat about the weather?

LOL I've been out for a year now. Once she was crying to me "I hate that we don't talk anymore" (NC... YEAH BABY). I was like "Go talk to your boyfriend". It was all just BPD Bull$hit. It was early in NC and I think she was PROBING to see if her tears still worked on me. Now that she knows they don't she doesn't try to contact me much.

Next time your X wants to chat about the weather tell her there'se a major FOG bank rolling in at loverboys place and that the skies are clear and sunny wherever you go  

She admitted to none of her transgression, apologized for nothing and she thinks (much to loverboy's chagrin---oh wait... he won't know he isn't there, so that makes it OK)

Yes my X only admitted to things she was forced to because she was caught. She still showed no remorse. It's a shame because it's hard to forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness or even showed the slightest hint of being remorseful for what they've done.

, and she thinks I should just stand around in a parking lot and chat it up with her... .like nothing ever happened?

Are they that vapid?

Yes VAPID. looked up the definition... .very apropos!

Infared, with all this being said I know my COMPLETE FREEDOM lies in trying to let go of my hate for my uBPDxw... .I don't mean to say I'm accepting her behavior or acquitting her of the consequences of her actions mind you. I just have this hate that eats away at me. I'm getting better but I still have a ways to go.

Hang in there brother!

MWC

[Infared]

MWC

"The most important lesson I learned on this site is No Contact... .Learn it, live it, love it NC is what allowed me the get out of the FOG and get my head cleared. Yes ONLY WHEN SHE IS ALONE because if she is with the new r/s she has to go into CHAMELEON mode and channel one of her false identities that's related to the lies she is feeding the new guy. My X has told so many lies to so many people I don't know how she can keep up appearances! It's the probably the main reason why she abandoned her Mom, Sister and brother. Because once the FOG lifted for me, I talked to her family and we all compared notes and realized she was lying to all of us. She can't confront anyone she lied to so she just creates a new world with new people and leaves everyone else behind... .very sick mind!

Have you had the chance to be around her when she is with LOVERBOY to whiteness her different personality?"

WOW... .THANK GOD that I do not think in those terms... .but yeah, I think you are right... .she had to have told the new BF a ton on lies too about us, about me,  to justify running off to him   a week before Christmas... .I think you are right, she probably acts like someone that I don't even know with him? HOLY $HIT I never even considered that possibility  

I am proud to say that I have never been in that close of proximity to the two of them to get any sense of who she is with him.  ... .But both of them always try to do lots of childish hurtful things to cause me pain in public! . We are talking about two people in their 40's, not 7th Graders?  Is this really my life? LOL!   

"Infared, with all this being said I know my COMPLETE FREEDOM lies in trying to let go of my hate for my uBPDxw... .I don't mean to say I'm accepting her behavior or acquitting her of the consequences of her actions mind you. I just have this hate that eats away at me. I'm getting better but I still have a ways to go."

You are absolutely correct in this assertion. Our healthy survival depends on it.

Keep NC... .and keep moving forward in YOUR life!  

[Turkish]

WOW... .THANK GOD that I do not think in those terms... .but yeah, I think you are right... .she had to have told the new BF a ton on lies too about us, about me,  to justify running off to him   a week before Christmas... .I think you are right, she probably acts like someone that I don't even know with him? HOLY $HIT I never even considered that possibility  

I am proud to say that I have never been in that close of proximity to the two of them to get any sense of who she is with him.  ... .But both of them always try to do lots of childish hurtful things to cause me pain in public! . We are talking about two people in their 40's, not 7th Graders?  Is this really my life? LOL!    ."

I often wonder how my uBPDx spun the tale to my replacement. I found many of the things she wrote to him on our computer. I read some of them to my T. His comment was, "sounds very junior highschoolish." She is a 32 year old professional woman and mother to our two small children.

At the heart of a pwBPD lies a fragmented identity. Different selves. My T referred to her "compartmentalizing." It's another way of stating the lack of a coherent identity. Mirroring is partly a result of this. One of my favorite discussions on this site is the one on emotional immaturity. Beyond the mirroring, it gives me insight into her behaviors, as well as detailing the many   I ignored. Beyond even that, it turns the mirror towards myself, and why I was attracted to such partners in the first place... .

[Danie14]

Yes I was but he wasn't married anymore. She's just haunted us for the last 20+ years. If I was more 'worldly' if I understood more about what a real relationship is supposed to be then I'd have better understood that what was happening was not normal or healthy.

No going back only forward.

[AwakenedOne]

I never thought about this till you asked the question. I guess I was the replacement for the guy before me?

A couple months before we met she had just come out of a relationship with this terrible scumbag guy that used her in every way and treated her like complete garbage. He broke up with her in a cruel heartless way and she was devasted and still was it seemed when we met. I helped her move on from that guy by being nice to her and treating her like a lady which she deserved to be. This seemed to make her very happy. I listened to her vent and tell me about how she was hurt by him. I was super nice to her. Her thoughts of that other guy disappeared after a few months or at least she didn't speak of him anymore. Hard to understand how she was destroyed by that scumbag of a man and yet she had a good man and tossed him into the trash. I wonder if she got revenge on me for what he did to her, if that makes any sense?

[Turkish]

I never thought about this till you asked the question. I guess I was the replacement for the guy before me?

A couple months before we met she had just come out of a relationship with this terrible scumbag guy that used her in every way and treated her like complete garbage. He broke up with her in a cruel heartless way and she was devasted and still was it seemed when we met. I helped her move on from that guy by being nice to her and treating her like a lady which she deserved to be. This seemed to make her very happy. I listened to her vent and tell me about how she was hurt by him. I was super nice to her. Her thoughts of that other guy disappeared after a few months or at least she didn't speak of him anymore. Hard to understand how she was destroyed by that scumbag of a man and yet she had a good man and tossed him into the trash. I wonder if she got revenge on me for what he did to her, if that makes any sense?

Revenge for that, or for her core abandonment wound? In my case, it was her father.

[Popcorn71]

Hard to understand how she was destroyed by that scumbag of a man and yet she had a good man and tossed him into the trash. I wonder if she got revenge on me for what he did to her, if that makes any sense?

I wonder that too.  My exBPDh was treated like s**t by his ex wife who left him for another man and walked out on their teenage kids too.  I helped him and his kids sort their lives out and could not have been a better wife to him.  Then he treated me exactly how his ex treated him, despite running her down for the 9 years we were together, and constantly telling me he could never hurt me in that way because he knew how it felt.

I felt like I was being punished for her sins.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes! He is now doing all the same things to ME, that he did to his ex. I feel all the same ways SHE felt. She was jealous of their kids, because he ignored her, and spent all his time, love and energy on them. He is doing that now, and they are not even my kids, so it feels worse to me, I'm sure. Oh, plus he treats MY daughter like that too, he is hyper focused on her, and so I get to see that. He treats me badly or ignores me(this is the one he does most), yet I get to see him communicate with my daughter, dote on her. We all go out to eat, and all his communication is directed at her. I'm the third wheel. He sits there and makes moon faces at her, compliments her, and laughs with her. I'm glad she finally has a ":)ad" figure, but it's just weird. She gets creeped out by it sometimes, but she is not above manipulating him to her gain.

I feel like I'm living his ex's life with him. only with lots less perks. And she was crazy too, so she'd get even by hitting him with a hammer in his sleep, or stabbing him. I'm not crazy, so I come here to vent.

[Danie14]

This is something that I didn't understand before but I totally get it now. If they're talking bad about their ex's there's a good chance that the ex's are non's and called the BPD on their 'stuff' to the extend that the BPD simply could not deal with.

In my case, my h's xW is crazy... .she's done some crazy things... .and I just wonder how much of that was due to being pushed to her limits? To be fair, tho, she's still in our lives 20+ years later and that gives me reason to question her mental well-being... .and makes me wonder if he's always been stirring up that hornets nest behind my back... .but still 20+ years is a long time to hold a torch.

[Infared]

I have been thinking about this some more and reflecting on some of the responses above.

Yes, I was a replacement, then 5 yrs. later I was replaced.  I now was the painted-black guy... .It is so sickening, if I happen to run in to them in public (very rare)... she does this big victim act out thing and he has to comfort her or something and now I realize that behavior is because of all the horrible lies she made up to this guy about me.  Like she is afraid just seeing me because of what horrible things that I did to her!    NOT.   Then he rescues her from me!    WOW!  That used to be ME!  I get it now.

... .but if she is alone she now acts completely differently than the show she puts on with him in my presence... .as she knows that I did absolutely nothing to her... .(so... .she knows EXACTLY what she is doing!), she tries to walk up to me like hey... .hi... .like I should just be the same caring guy I always was?  I never let her get near me now, as I have gotten healthier.   God... .what a sick, childish, damaged person... .I think I understand this more clearly now. 

I don't know what to do with that... .but more is reveiled.

[Danie14]

I don't know what to do with that... .

Me neither, just trying to make my way through, keeping one foot in front of the other... .& when I stumble, straighten myself out and keep on keeping on. I don't think there's much else that can be done.