Question about uBPD sister-in-law

[Cat21]

Hello there-

I don't usually post on this board; my H is uBPD, so I'm on the Staying board. However, I thought I'd pose this question here, in hopes that maybe someone else can relate. Long story short, my H's older sister is very controlling and manipulative. The more I learn about BPD and my husband's upbringing and family relationships, the more I am convinced that his sister is also BPD (I know this is not uncommon). She uses guilt and obligation to control her entire family, and she has a close relationship with my H. Sometimes my husband recognizes her irrational behavior and has even called her out for lying, exaggerating, etc. However, most of the time that is not the case. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even want to speak to her on the phone because I am faking enthusiasm. This hurts my husband because he wants us to be friends.

My question is: how do I maintain a relationship with my uBPDSIL (it's getting harder and harder to feign likeability), when I know that my H is also uBPD? Thankfully, we do not live close to her, but she manipulates my husband often by using her children as bait and making my H feel terribly guilty for not visiting more often, etc. This of course trickles down to me, since I live with him. Thoughts?

[Turkish]

Hello there-

I don't usually post on this board; my H is uBPD, so I'm on the Staying board. However, I thought I'd pose this question here, in hopes that maybe someone else can relate. Long story short, my H's older sister is very controlling and manipulative. The more I learn about BPD and my husband's upbringing and family relationships, the more I am convinced that his sister is also BPD (I know this is not uncommon). She uses guilt and obligation to control her entire family, and she has a close relationship with my H. Sometimes my husband recognizes her irrational behavior and has even called her out for lying, exaggerating, etc. However, most of the time that is not the case. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even want to speak to her on the phone because I am faking enthusiasm. This hurts my husband because he wants us to be friends.

My question is: how do I maintain a relationship with my uBPDSIL (it's getting harder and harder to feign likeability), when I know that my H is also uBPD? Thankfully, we do not live close to her, but she manipulates my husband often by using her children as bait and making my H feel terribly guilty for not visiting more often, etc. This of course trickles down to me, since I live with him. Thoughts?

That you feel it hurts your husband is his own FOG. It must be very frustrating to feel that he is not standing up for you.

Have you thought about talking to your husband about FOG in a way which won't point to BPD? I did a little with my uBPDx, in relation to her co-dependent enmeshment with her mother. I wasn't part of that triangle though. It was obviously easier for me, I understand, because our r/s was ending. You are staying. Can you assert your right to feel the way you do and be honest about it with some SET? Your husband also has a right to not be emotionally blackmailed.

[Cat21]

Thanks, Turkish. Yes, I've talked to my husband about FOG before; in fact, HE has said that he knows his sister uses guilt to "get her own way" and to manipulate him and his parents. He said, "I do the same thing. It must run in the family." Huge light bulb moment. But unfortunately, that was a one time realization and hasn't seemed to apply to any other situations involving her since.

He's asked me point blank about my feelings toward her and I've been honest. He knows that I don't particularly care if I have a close relationship with her, but it doesn't stop him from trying to forge one. Sometimes he's able to see the forest through the trees, especially if his parents agree with me (and they often do), but his parents don't live with us.

The next time an issue with her arises, I'll use SET and see what happens. Thanks!

[Turkish]

Thanks, Turkish. Yes, I've talked to my husband about FOG before; in fact, HE has said that he knows his sister uses guilt to "get her own way" and to manipulate him and his parents.

This sounds like my Ex. She is aware of her mom's use of Guilt to manipulate her. I tried to get her to see her part in this, and lack of boundaries, but it was to no avail, no matter how gently I put it. I am increasingly convinced that her mom fits a Waif stereotype. My former MIL may or may not be BPD, but the traits are there. She's nothing but nice to me though.

One time we drove 6 hours to get commodity type items from a huge city street market to bring back locally and sell for some profit. They were on her times then financially. Not wanting to go, but to support my Ex (this was before our first child), I went along. When we got back, my Ex handed over what she had bought, even though my understanding was that we were all doing this separately. I asked her about this, "did your mom ask you for the stuff that you bought?" She replied, "no, but my mom would guilt me if I didn't." At this point, I was thinking to myself, "why did we waste a weekend trip. She could have just handed her mom cash." I blamed my Ex for not sticking up for herself since her mom didn't explicitly ask her daughter for the items. Then I realized that her mom didn't strongly refuse them either, and took them in the end. I saw the game, and their subtle enabling of each other's dysfunction. FYI, she was (and still is in her 30s), parentified by her mom.

I think co-dependent enmeshment (with FOG, etc.) can be worse between family members that those of us who engage in it with our significant others. Anyone else have an opinion on this?

The dysfunctional family dynamic was likely present from a very young age, when brains and personalities were developing. It's like something hardwired into the brain. I often saw my Ex exhibit outward signs of the internal fight which must have been going on inside her brain. Despite all that she did, I still sympathize with that. She would often try to project those feelings towards her mom towards mine, "your mom always asks for money." No, she doesn't, and I can count on one hand the number of times she's asked me for money in the past 15 years, and it's been for critical things that she needed, not "maintenance" money. I have better boundaries than my Ex, or maybe I'm just more selfish