Holding Pattern

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have posted earlier about my BPDm and the dramatic summer we've had.  We were NC, then very limited contact since early June.  Recently, we tried to discuss things, although a more accurate description of the conversation would be I tried and she attacked.  I decided it was pointless to try and discuss it, so I would just start slowly and try to change how I react to her since I can't change her.  We have skyped a few times, and had a couple of brief phone conversations.  (Prior to June we talked via phone, text, or Skype several times a day.)  She has made a few comments to my son during Skype sessions, for example "I'm so glad to see you.  I didn't know if I would ever see you again."  But otherwise, I can tell she's trying to keep her mouth shut.  I can tell she is very upset that I have drastically reduced the amount of contact, and that I didn't change my mind and bring my son to stay with her last week as we had planned prior to June.  We are in this weird holding pattern.  

I don't want to increase contact right now.  I am not confident I can refrain from arguing right now.  My husband doesn't want me talking to her at all, so I'm trying to ease him into it as well.  But I can see in her nonverbal communication that she is just barely holding back from crying or screaming or something.  I wonder how long she is going to be able to continue this way.

I guess my question is whether I should say something, or just let it ride for now.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?

[littlebirdcline]

I have posted earlier about my BPDm and the dramatic summer we've had.  We were NC, then very limited contact since early June.  Recently, we tried to discuss things, although a more accurate description of the conversation would be I tried and she attacked.  I decided it was pointless to try and discuss it, so I would just start slowly and try to change how I react to her since I can't change her.  We have skyped a few times, and had a couple of brief phone conversations.  (Prior to June we talked via phone, text, or Skype several times a day.)  She has made a few comments to my son during Skype sessions, for example "I'm so glad to see you.  I didn't know if I would ever see you again."  But otherwise, I can tell she's trying to keep her mouth shut.  I can tell she is very upset that I have drastically reduced the amount of contact, and that I didn't change my mind and bring my son to stay with her last week as we had planned prior to June.  We are in this weird holding pattern.  

I don't want to increase contact right now.  I am not confident I can refrain from arguing right now.  My husband doesn't want me talking to her at all, so I'm trying to ease him into it as well.  But I can see in her nonverbal communication that she is just barely holding back from crying or screaming or something.  I wonder how long she is going to be able to continue this way.

I guess my question is whether I should say something, or just let it ride for now.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?

[Linda Maria]

Hi Littlebirdcline!   So sorry you are having to deal with this - sounds like it is taking up a lot of emotional energy and not in a good way.  I think you have answered your own question - you don't want to contact her - because you know no good will come of it - so my advice would be to listen to your gut and not communicate.  Give yourself a break from it so you can get strong again, focus on your husband and son and all the positive things in your life.  Don't feel bad about it - you have to do what's right for you and your family.  I really don't like what she said to your son - since my uBPDsis started making trouble last year, I have kept my children as well as myself away from her. It wasn't an easy decision as she is their only Aunty in the UK.   If she could have left them out of it that would have been fine, but the last time she saw my daughter she started telling her mad lies about me, and my daughter (12 at the time) found it a bit disturbing.  Children should not have to deal with this crap - and she's old enough to know that.  It's just so hard and stressful to be put in the situation of having to make these tough decisions.  Good luck my friend.  Hope to hear more positive news soon.  JB