Reliving the entire breakup, more painful than before 9 months NC...

[node4]

Is the normal? Why am I reliving the breakup pain, and loss, abandonment, and anger all over again. Even stronger than I was before? Is this apart of the grief process, or do I need to be concerned... .I have maintained no contact 9 month, and I have avoided all of the triggers, with the exception of listening to very profound music. It is coming in waves.

[patientandclear]

I don't think you need to be concerned that there is anything deficient about you or your thinking. This takes a very long time to truly recover from if you don't just grab onto the next candidate for a romantic partner as a numbing strategy.  It is common on here to have members in a lot of pain after a year or even two, though usually by that point you also are finding it possible to live a life that feels somewhat meaningful again.

I will say I don't know that time by itself is a great healer of this kind of betrayal trauma. After much time with several talk therapists/CBT practitioners, I began working with therapists who specialize in somatic (body-based) treatments for trauma. They reached far deeper into my sadness than anything else I've tried, and really helped push me forward.

I'm sorry it's so hard. It was very painful for me after 9 months of strict NC.

[clairedair]

Hi node4,

I imagine that in a real-life war zones, soldiers do what they need to do to protect themselves and those around them including repressing fear, anxiety, grief etc. - feelings  that can resurface later when they are in a safe place.

I am 18 months out of a long-term relationship.  Very little contact.  I would say that 90% of time I function very well and am even enjoying life more than I have for some time but I can still be blindsided by very strong emotions.  Only a few days ago I attended an event with thousands of others and my ex ended up sitting in front of me.  I bolted.  Literally.  There was no thought process, just a visceral reaction. 

It's like I have had the space and time to process the trauma and seeing him brought it back instantly.  It took me a while to even accept that the experiences had been traumatic so that delayed recovery.  My ex has many wonderful qualities and I believe that he has his own stuff to deal with so I resisted categorising his behaviour as abusive.

Be kind to yourself and appreciate that what you've been through will take time to heal - probably longer than you'd like but it's worth not rushing it.  Take time to feel what you feel and don't listen to others (including your own voice) telling you to hurry up and get over it.  Chocolate helps too 

I hope you have had a better day today.

Take care,

Claire

[Artisan]

I hold to a concept that the way the harms go in, are the same way they go out.

I'm 10 months out and still experience days of great depression, rage, and bewilderment.

I also still wonder if things could be worked out. And I know they cannot.

I still face guilt.

And fear.

Most days are a vast improvement over where I was.

But, I don't avoid the triggers ... .I face them and fall down, and get back up. I want the triggers gone, and that takes awareness, not hiding.