how do I stop obsessing?

[honeysuckle]

I have gotten all the the closure I a going to get. I have hit the acceptance stage and just want to move on... .But I am helplessly bombarded with thoughts of him. Anything from when we first met to what is he thinking or doing right now. I know I spent over 4 years thinking only about him and his wants and his needs. but how do I stop? I am NC. It makes me sad but I am worse if we communicate. I stay busy working out and with friends and all of the normal distractions. At first I thought it was just out of habit and it would pass but I think that should have stopped by now it has been 3 months.

Can anyone help me?  Suggestions?

[BorisAcusio]

At first I thought it was just out of habit and it would pass but I think that should have stopped by now it has been 3 months.

It took me almost 8 months to overcome the obsessive phase. Understanding the pathology and keeping NC helps tremendously but there are no magical recipes or sudden breaktroughs. Only time will heal.

[Ventus2ct]

Honeysuckle, I am at the same stage as you, 3 months or just over, this weekend has been bad re thinking of my ex, don't know why as have felt a lot better of late. I guess a weekend, you think about what you could be doing together but know that'll never happen. People have said it goes in cycles and this is true.

I still dearly miss her (at weak moments) despite the terribleness of it all but then just need to remind myself about how terrible she was too and it soon puts me back where I need to be.

I think it's natural to ruminate about it all still, even at 3 months, I had thought that around December time things would be much better but we'll see how things are then!

Stay strong!

[Ventus2ct]

Honeysuckle, I am at the same stage as you, 3 months or just over, this weekend has been bad re thinking of my ex, don't know why as have felt a lot better of late. I guess a weekend, you think about what you could be doing together but know that'll never happen. People have said it goes in cycles and this is true.

I still dearly miss her (at weak moments) despite the terribleness of it all but then just need to remind myself about how terrible she was too and it soon puts me back where I need to be.

I think it's natural to ruminate about it all still, even at 3 months, I had thought that around December time things would be much better but we'll see how things are then!

Stay strong!

[SpringInMyStep]

I don't know if I'm any help except to say that I'm going through the same thing. She only moved out 3 weeks ago and I am doing the same obsessing stuff that you are. I wonder what she's doing, who she's dating, everything. Yet at the same time, I don't care! I don't want to be back with her, so this is distressing me and I'd like to stop thinking about her at all.

Sorry, I don't know what to say except that I'm sure everyone else is right that this will pass eventually and we'll be able to move on.

[outside9x]

Hi Honeysuckle,

1st, it very natural to feel this way.  You are not feeling some mystical power that just you feel & binds you only to him.  It's nothing magical , many of us feel we are meant to be with him or her because of these over powering feeling, and though it feels like your hearts been ripped out, it is NOT SO!    Because you are human and caring, the BPD has deeply embedded themselves in us, emotionally and mentally as well.  

But because we loved them so much doesn't mean that's a sure sign we should go back.  I know probably most of your friends and family would not understand why your heart aches so much for this Tormentor of your very soul, the one you gave everything for.  Yet we see them in the light of our hearts and their good side, which causes us great torement.  We might even feel that somehow we can learn to adapt to they bad behavior because we hurt so much we need them , and we can reduce their triggers etc.  Or might fool oursleves that they can change and treat us better.  I don't think this is possible unless they have a true desire to get help and most can't and the others can't stay that long in any meanfull therapy.  Let's just say the odds, a greatly against it. And secretly in your mind and hearts you know its not right, it's not really what true love is.  Love isn't about hurting, it's about happiness, and sharing.  

Most if not all understand it all to well on this site, but that doesn't mean we don't feel the pain of lost. .

Unfortunately, like me, it hurts, and hurts badly, but... .It does get better.  Yes, I been through her several break ups, and wanting me back, the tears and strong emotions on both sides. Even apologiziong telling me how mean she was and such a b___, but that's then, and later, right back to where you were and worst.

But that push and pull, creates actual chemicals reactions within your own mind, and body that bind us even closer regardless (the push and pull) and makes it all so hard.  That's why only time can undo, what the body and emotions feels it now needs.  Key word, feels it needs.  Yes, we been conditioned and programmed to the chaos and love, and we are know how wonderful, the love is after chaos, the reuniting, and comfort it brings.  Our emotions now crave it like any drug or alcohol once we get addicted, and yes, we are addicted and like all addictions, its a complusion.

Talk to friends a bit, get some counseling if you can, and read books about what a true love is about and maybe a lot more reading on this site.  We have gotten used to the tormoil and weirdly enough, we hate it but like it at the same time, and it (and that person) makes us feel ALIVE, and when they go, we feel completely empty.  

It will get better, I promise.  Try to stay N/C, its hard, but worth it.  It's for you, no matter how kind you think he can become, or great it will be for you, it won't .  

Once you recover, you be better.  You will still think of her, but without the same emotions.  There is no win situation to go back.  They have already started the splitting and it will not stop even though they may truly want you too.  You have to save yourself.  

Its a struggle for me as well, but I feel stronger, and stronger.  Not out of the woods, but stronger.

[amigo]

Hang in there honeysuckle 

I found myself obsessing the most 3 months after the first big breakup. I don't know why that is,maybe we have some time to tell ourselves the NC is the right thing to do, and we do all the other things we are supposed to, stay busy, be with friends and family blah, blah, but the addiction to the ex is so strong, it is still simmering there in the background, and all of a sudden it can turn into a sudden brushfire at a moments notice, just because the wind was blowing in the right direction (in my case a little alcohol, or a song on the radio or some other stupid thing to remind me of him).

I know you want the obsession to stop already. I wrote in my journal the other day " I want to live already! I want this to be over!". But like everyone says here: all it takes is time. I am sure you know this. Forgive yourself for thinking about him and let it pass or write it down and then take a big breath and keep going. 9 months and no contact? You are doing great! You are an inspiration to me. Thank you.

[amigo]

Sorry, I just saw that you are 3 months out. I think I was thinking of another post with the 9 months.

BUT, you still are an inspiration to me I am not even real NC yet... .

[Blimblam]

honeysuckle,

the fact you are 3 months out and still obsessing validates my experience of being 3 months out and obsessing still.  What I have found is what I obsess over changes.  My relations to the obsession matures with time. I find I am less obsessive now but that their is something behind it all I am really trying to understand. The "missing piece" that I felt she provided for me. As I change and shift my focus to the "missing piece" my obsession with her is put into a context I find to be more constructive. It puts the focus back on myself.

The obsessive energy is a powerful force.  How you decide to channel it is within your control. I seek the "missing piece," for this purpose the obsessive energy is usefull.

 If you want to simply break the pattern you can use a brainwashing technique of repeating a slogan or mantra, a chant. while drumming in an alternating pattern drumming your hands, clapping, tapping your feet, marching. It is a was of denying the anyltical part of your brain.  It can bring focus back into your life. You can see this used in large crowds where people begin to chant a slogan. when thoughts arise push the down and focus on the mantra. I would see this as a form of denial.

Or you can accept that you will be obsessing over this and take a step back and observe the thoughts and when they tie into an emotion tune into the emotion and feel the physical sensations of it, accepting it.  The thoughts and emotions will come and go.

You can channel it into creative endeavors.  You can channel it in many ways but take notice if you are denying and repressing parts of yourself or are you accepting these parts of yourself. I think both can be usefull and both are powerful tools especially if used in balance and with self awareness.

[xxxx]

 I'm 3 months out (  my marriage, my family ,my home, my life) after 36 years with my beloved dBPDh... .I'm obsessing and not one thing in the world is going to stop it.  I have lost loved ones in death and took months and years to mourn their loss ... .I have lost my entire identity and I am going to obsess and mourn and not want to go to Pilates... .Eventually, I am going to get sick of my pity party and pull myself up ... .but until that day... .I am allowing myself to mourn.  4 years is a substantial amount of time.  Give yourself  a break.

[Hopeless777]

28 years and I'm 2.5 months out. It's all part of the process. Read about how to build yourself back up. Go to a 12 Step Program. Grieve and know its OK.

[jackhzrd]

I'm one year out and still obsessing! This is the toughest challenge, by a long shot, I have ever faced. I still cry on occasion too. This BPDexgf absolutely, totally, crushed me and all I want to do is fast forward a couple of years and see if it gets any easier. I've been NC for well over 8 months now but I still play the 'scenes' of our r/s in my head on pretty much a daily basis. It's not something I can control. I absolutely loved her with all of my being and now I absolutely hate her for what she did to me and put me through. If it wasn't for my daughter, I would be under a train already. But I have no option but to wait this out and hope for the best... .

Good luck!

[biglearningcurve]

I am also one year out and still obsessing and just had a brief recycle with him.   

[goingtostopthis]

What helps me is to think of all the times with in a conversation with him, I wasnt allowed to truely have who I am accepted. I was a very positive person when we met,  and slowly through time certain aspects of things I liked were discouraged or ignored in favor to what he was interested in.  He was nagative more times then positive and I didnt realize what an effect this had on me.   He had one time sent me a video disproving the exsistence of Jesus Christ.   I was shocked! Im a Christain and he knew that. >Just more examples of his passive aggressiveness. And he made it clear he didnt believe in God right at the moment I would use his name in a very significant way where I needed strength for both of us to look to in dealing with our lives. In retrospect, he was a very negative person, of course he has BPD. There was all ways something not working out for him and no solution I had to help would work. This kind of stuff is very draining, and this went on for a whole year everyday.  

                           This is what I need to remember when Im obsessing. Its been a month for me and gotten pretty bad.  I have to keep in mind just how unhealthy this relationship has been.   I used to listen to Hayhouse radio all the time, its very spiritual, self help radio show.  I showed it to him and he wasnt interested at all and then I stopped listening to it.    After the first devaluation on me and our relationship slowly started to come back he started getting into these sites that promoted really dark images and he would post them on his page. real scary looking stuff.   he phased out of that gradually but I knew then that this was a part of his personality he had all ways hidden and I wasnt interested in it one BIT!   It was sadistic.  

                  I still have my other side, the side of me that still wishes he would contact me again, the side of me that thinks of him with love, with all the good parts of him , this is when I start getting really depressed, and depression and obsession has been so debilitating.  I have to go through it, but Im slowly learning that I must be real and true to myself by working with myself in this way of being honest. What was really going on in this relationship and what has it been doing to you?  Pulling me down he was into his world of negativity and self sabotage, because thats what he did all the time. It took an awful lot of energy on my part to keep myself up and going with what I believe in... .being optimistic with faith etc. generating positive and happy out comes in my life with being around him at the same time.  It took a lot out of me.      

[Rise_Again]

I think one of the most important steps, and unfortunately also one of the hardest steps to take, is figuring out why we are obsessing in the first place. What it is it in you that this relationship triggered? What is it about this relationship that is different than (or in some of our cases, the same as) the other relationships we've had in our lives? The truth is, in every single one of us, there's some baggage we carry around that causes us to become trapped in such an unhealthy relationship. Identifying what's causing the obsession can be a big help when you're trying to get over it.

And just to be a little bit more cliche, time will help. I know three months can seem like an eternity, but it's taken a lot of us a lot longer than that to get through things. It's okay. It will fade in time. I know it stinks. I know it hurts. I know you want to be over it as soon as you can. But trying to rush yourself usually does more harm than good. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself heal. Don't put added pressure on yourself by trying to assign a schedule to the process.

Best Luck,

Rise

[camuse]

sorry posted in wrong thread 

[Blimblam]

I'm one year out and still obsessing! This is the toughest challenge, by a long shot, I have ever faced. I still cry on occasion too. This BPDexgf absolutely, totally, crushed me and all I want to do is fast forward a couple of years and see if it gets any easier. I've been NC for well over 8 months now but I still play the 'scenes' of our r/s in my head on pretty much a daily basis. It's not something I can control. I absolutely loved her with all of my being and now I absolutely hate her for what she did to me and put me through. If it wasn't for my daughter, I would be under a train already. But I have no option but to wait this out and hope for the best... .

Good luck!

jack,

I got really close to the end their too. I didn't even fear death for a while. It is so twisted to not fear death but to fear living?  i gave all of my being too man... .more than i even though was possible... .more than i ever realized I had to give. Just vent it out man keep talking about it over and over until you are bored with it. write it out... and feel that anxiety in you chest and stomache. focus on the physical sensations of that feel it. surrender to those physical sensations let them consume you. it takes practice to get the feel for it.

[jackhzrd]

jack,

I got really close to the end their too. I didn't even fear death for a while. It is so twisted to not fear death but to fear living?  i gave all of my being too man... .more than i even though was possible... .more than i ever realized I had to give. Just vent it out man keep talking about it over and over until you are bored with it. write it out... and feel that anxiety in you chest and stomache. focus on the physical sensations of that feel it. surrender to those physical sensations let them consume you. it takes practice to get the feel for it.

Thanks man. I have actually done most of that. I've talked about it with friends and family in depth, I've written songs, poems, letters that I never sent etc... .I've gone through all the physicality, oh man, the 'unbearability of being', for like the first month or so, was sickening! I just did not want to be, to exist, to be me! I could not find a comfortable position anywhere or in anything unless I got drunk or stoned or usually both.   So now that I think about it, of course I've made a great deal of progress. When I cry, I shed some quick tears and I don't break down into an emotional blob of floodwater like I did this time last year.

But, I still think about her ALL the time, I still run through the film reel in my head. I want her out, I want her erased, system reboot, whatever, just freaking disappear you Siren from Hell.   :'(  

[charred]

Mindfulness can help with the obsessing.

In essence it is staying in the present... stopping yourself from thinking (ruminating really) about the past or torturing yourself about the future. In the present you feel your body and whats around you, your breathing, and that kind of thing... not "bad about the relationship".

Look in to it, my stress level dropped by 95% or so once I finally started making a regular practice of being mindful... .they have smart phone apps that can sound reminders every 15 minutes or so... and that helped a lot.

Probably read 200 books, seen a therapist for 2 yrs now and been through a heck of a lot of stages... getting to where I am (which is not 100% over her, but much better than before the r/s.)

Hang in there.

[Mutt]

Mindfulness can help with the obsessing.

In essence it is staying in the present... stopping yourself from thinking (ruminating really) about the past or torturing yourself about the future. In the present you feel your body and whats around you, your breathing, and that kind of thing... not "bad about the relationship".

Look in to it, my stress level dropped by 95% or so once I finally started making a regular practice of being mindful... .they have smart phone apps that can sound reminders every 15 minutes or so... and that helped a lot.

I agree. It's brought my stress levels down 95% as well with not worrying about things I can't change or control.

[kc sunshine]

This board has helped me stop obsessing somewhat-- whenever I'm thinking about her, I turn to the board instead of looking at FB, our old pictures, and our old texts. I've been on here A LOT, so maybe it is a replacement obsession, but probably/hopefully better than the original. Thank goodness for this site-- thank you all.

[Pingo]

Hi Honeysuckle,

1st, it very natural to feel this way.  You are not feeling some mystical power that just you feel & binds you only to him.  It's nothing magical , many of us feel we are meant to be with him or her because of these over powering feeling, and though it feels like your hearts been ripped out, it is NOT SO!    Because you are human and caring, the BPD has deeply embedded themselves in us, emotionally and mentally as well.  

But because we loved them so much doesn't mean that's a sure sign we should go back.  I know probably most of your friends and family would not understand why your heart aches so much for this Tormentor of your very soul, the one you gave everything for.  Yet we see them in the light of our hearts and their good side, which causes us great torement.  We might even feel that somehow we can learn to adapt to they bad behavior because we hurt so much we need them , and we can reduce their triggers etc.  Or might fool oursleves that they can change and treat us better.  I don't think this is possible unless they have a true desire to get help and most can't and the others can't stay that long in any meanfull therapy.  Let's just say the odds, a greatly against it. And secretly in your mind and hearts you know its not right, it's not really what true love is.  Love isn't about hurting, it's about happiness, and sharing.  

Most if not all understand it all to well on this site, but that doesn't mean we don't feel the pain of lost. .

Unfortunately, like me, it hurts, and hurts badly, but... .It does get better.  Yes, I been through her several break ups, and wanting me back, the tears and strong emotions on both sides. Even apologiziong telling me how mean she was and such a b___, but that's then, and later, right back to where you were and worst.

But that push and pull, creates actual chemicals reactions within your own mind, and body that bind us even closer regardless (the push and pull) and makes it all so hard.  That's why only time can undo, what the body and emotions feels it now needs.  Key word, feels it needs.  Yes, we been conditioned and programmed to the chaos and love, and we are know how wonderful, the love is after chaos, the reuniting, and comfort it brings.  Our emotions now crave it like any drug or alcohol once we get addicted, and yes, we are addicted and like all addictions, its a complusion.

Talk to friends a bit, get some counseling if you can, and read books about what a true love is about and maybe a lot more reading on this site.  We have gotten used to the tormoil and weirdly enough, we hate it but like it at the same time, and it (and that person) makes us feel ALIVE, and when they go, we feel completely empty.  

It will get better, I promise.  Try to stay N/C, its hard, but worth it.  It's for you, no matter how kind you think he can become, or great it will be for you, it won't .  

Once you recover, you be better.  You will still think of her, but without the same emotions.  There is no win situation to go back.  They have already started the splitting and it will not stop even though they may truly want you too.  You have to save yourself.  

Its a struggle for me as well, but I feel stronger, and stronger.  Not out of the woods, but stronger.

Thanks for this, it is very helpful to me. 

I am 2 1/2 months out and everyday is a different experience.  Some days I feel crazy for obsessing so much and other days I think I'm making progress.  I read constantly anything I can get my hands on that will help me search inside myself & my own healing and take the focus off of him... .So many wonderful healing books out there that have helped me so much so far.  I'm reading one right now called 'When your lover is a liar' by Susan Forward... .not specific to BPD but many valuable insights.  I am also working on mindfulness meditation... .definitely a struggle for me but I do believe it's the answer to many of our problems.