Why do I have to worker harder than my BPD wife

[conman]

Why do I have to work harder than my BPD wife? This i sthe question I have been pondering for the last few weeks. Over the 6 years we have been together... .I have changed everything to curb her insecurities... .I dont go out with friends... .I dont even have any anymore... .I stopped talking to family or anyone... .I have changed everything about me... .so why do I feel like I have to change everything... .She had me convinced that I had bipolar... .she got me to a psychiatrist... .she said things in the meeting that I didnt even rememebr happening but then after the pschiatrist said I had bipolar I was on all sorts of meds... then... if oyu dont take ur meds I am leaving with the kids... .I kept taking them for a year... then met with someone else and it was not bipolar at all... .there was nothing wrong with me... .then she goes to the dr... .the dr says you have acute paranoia takes the meds for 3 weeks then stops cause she doesnt feel good... .i told her the same thing she told me... .if you stop the meds im leaving... .she told me to leave then... .i did not leave... .I can think of a million reasons why I should leave... .I am at a point right now that I am tired of reading about how to talk to someone with BPD... what if I did all this... .wha tif i do validate but then it is something else and something else after that the list goes on and on... .I love my wife I DESPISE borderline personality disorder... .I hate how she treats me... .how she is with the kids... .Where is that line that enough is enough... .how much am i suppose to take... .Why in the world have I chagned everything and she refuses to do anything... .and I stay... .nothing will change until she accepts where she is at and that is the most heart breaking part... .no weverything is my fault... .our marriage... .it is never her... .she twists everything and i dont even know what is going on anymore... .I cant do this anymore... .I have no one to talk to that understands becasue most people think I am making up stories about her bc she presents as a very nice person... .it is so hard... .i want to leave but i dont know what the final straw will be... I have an overnight bag stashed at a family members place... .i am contacting a single dads group for support( that is the part that is going to kill me) not being with my kids... .I feel so overwhelmed, alone, I feel sick to my stomach... I feel sad, heartbroken, anxious, afraid, alone and I have noone everyone is gone... .cause she has insecurities abou tme talking to others... .i feel like the biggest loser of all time... .I am tired of complaining... .I need to take steps... but i dont even know where to begin... .i am so sad

[tired-of-it-all]

We overcomplicate the issue.  The answer to your questions is:  You don't have to work harder than her.  You care more than her and you want to fix the situation.  She doesn't try.  She will take advantage of you until she sucks the life out of you.  The answer is to stop doing these things.  She will not like it at all but she doesn't like it anyway. 

Again, we complicate it when it is not complicated.  I was driving along once having a miserable conversation.  She was chewing my ___ out over something that I didn't do.  I hung up the phone.  I thought to myself, "Man that was simple.  Why didn't I do that before?"  She kept calling and calling back and I didn't answer.  A person can only mistreat you if you let them.

[Aussie JJ]

Conman,

Remembering the pain they are inflicting on you through those actions is the pain they deny in themselves that is so deep rooted and their defence is denial.  

I agree at times we overcomplicate the dynamics.  

One thing to remember is we do have the powrr to change ourselves.  Our actions and our role on the dynamic.  

As tired-of-it-all says, a person can only mistreat you if you let them. 

Stop allowing the mistreatment, use the tools here to change the behaviours one by one.  Sometimes this takes years as they have developed over years.  The power lies with you to make that change.