What would closure even mean?

[BuildingFromScratch]

I have the opportunity to get closure. I asked for it from her, and she seems to be offering it. The thing is, I've come to realize that she really can't do much for me, my pain is mine. What can I do besides guilt trip her? How would I even go about saying "You abused me into oblivion" without it just causing her to get mad or self destructive? What I'd like is a genuine apology for some of the worst things she did. I'd like to vent about how much these things hurt me. I'd like to encourage her to get help. Any suggestions? I'm tired of suffering, if this could help then I might go for it. But I'm still considering ignoring her.

[MommaBear]

The thing I've learned is that closure has to come from within you. In most normal, healthy relationships, this isn't the case, but with BPD, closure is a slippery slope and one I'd best avoid in terms of getting it from the pwBPD.

Why? Because their feelings shape the facts, and not the other way around.

I think more than anything, we want to see the right actions, because the right words are hollow and meaningless.

There are no "right words" because we've heard them. A million times, and at this stage, I think even if my xhwBPD came to me and said:

"You know what? I'm not well. I made you pay for the things that are wrong with me, and my inability to cope with fears that were growing in me for ages, and that was wrong. You didn't deserve what I put you through. I'm deeply ashamed, and a part of me will always hate myself for subjecting you to that. You were an amazing wife and mother, one I didn't deserve to have in my life. I'm going to get help, and I'm not going to give up. In the meantime, I think we should try and go to family therapy to help find a way to communicate better for the sake of our child. What do you think?"

I'd still be suspicious, and strangely dissatisfied. Why? Because he's used pretty words like this so many times, only to win my trust, my empathy, and to treat me like human garbage the moment his emotional state changes and suddenly he's all dysregulated again.

What I would need for closure is a consistent, long term effort to live up to that promise. I would have to see him really, TRULY do the work, engage in the actions, and continue to take into consideration my perception of him and all the harm he's caused me and our child.

That, my friend, is never going to happen. So at this stage, closure for me is accepting that truth, and finding ways to move on.

The man I loved and married never existed. He was a projection, a game, a manipulative tactic, and now he's found a replacement and has a whole new identity.

I will never get the closure I seek from him, I can only get it from me.

My advice would be to ask yourself if there's anything she can SAY that would make you feel like you got closure, or is it the ACTIONS you want to see? If it's the actions, then keep in mind that what they say one minute can be denied or ignored or forgotten the next.

Think about it.

[seeking balance]

I'm tired of suffering, if this could help then I might go for it. But I'm still considering ignoring her.

Suffering is the state of mind we we are struggling to accept.  The thing is, you do have your closure - it is over, it was unhealthy, this is closure.

What many are looking for is fair and "did I matter".  Looking for a pwpbd to validate us is not likely.  By definition, BPD is triggered in abandonment, can you honestly imagine any conversation about a breakup not being triggering? "Enter coping skills here" - blame, projections, dissociation, lies, etc... .the BPD is coping to horrible abandonment pain.  You, then are left feeling worse... .not on purpose, but as a coping for them.  This in turn pushes your "good enough" button and the circle is complete.

You have closure -it is over.

Take care of you - what do you need that you can get from her?

Peace,

SB

[SpringInMyStep]

I agree that it has to come from us... .no one else can give us closure.

Even if my wife said those things to me, I wouldn't believe her. The thing is, she would never ever admit that she even has a mental illness, let alone blaming that for her behavior. Her entire existence is to live in denial and defend everything she thinks/does/says as being "neurodiverse" or "just part of her personality". Admitting it wouldn't undo the damage anyway.

[amigo]

I like SB's statement that we do have closure in knowing that it is over.

I remind myself of that when I consider all the things I would like to say to him the next time he contacts me and when I plan a "last" meeting in my head.

I also have come to accept that there will never be any closure from their end. Still I long to have the opportunity to say good bye and to tell him in person that I will go No Contact from now on, and why I chose to do so. I feel it is the fair thing to do. Yet I know that fairness is not something they truly understand. It's a foreign concept to them.

I will probably make an attempt at closure by either using our next contact as initiated by him, or by sending one last e-mail. I know that any response from him, if there even is any, will be confusing, hurtful, desperate, irrational. But I have decided that I will allow myself whatever last contact I need to close that door and chapter in my life. So in a way, closure for me means, coming up with my own last rite of sorts, execute it as best as I can, then turn around and walk away for good without expecting anything from the pwBPD.  Wish me luck... .

[BuildingFromScratch]

Argh, knew my quick fix scheme wouldn't work. Thanks for the input all, I guess I knew it was true. I just didn't want to believe it.

[AG]

I have the opportunity to get closure. I asked for it from her, and she seems to be offering it. The thing is, I've come to realize that she really can't do much for me, my pain is mine. What can I do besides guilt trip her? How would I even go about saying "You abused me into oblivion" without it just causing her to get mad or self destructive? What I'd like is a genuine apology for some of the worst things she did. I'd like to vent about how much these things hurt me. I'd like to encourage her to get help. Any suggestions? I'm tired of suffering, if this could help then I might go for it. But I'm still considering ignoring her.

I'll tell you what happened to me when I tried to get closure about 3 weeks ago maybe even less time then that. I was met with a fake half assed apology and then shortly after that the next day to be exact I was met with rage once again. It was kind of like a reminder "Oh AG remember me don't forget this is what I do, apology what are you thinking don't you know I am the victim and you are the villain". She then told me don't contact her meanwhile she had me blocked before through email and blatently took it off to contact me and also prior to that she was calling from an app and hanging up when I would answer after just listening to me say hello while she listened to my voice. In our exchange I told her ok then can you please stop contacting me from those apps and blocked numbers because I can tell it is you. Do you know what her response was? Stop stalking me. Oh I must be stupid to try to find out who is calling my phone and staying silent to listen to my voice.

Bottom line is even if she does apologize from my experience she will get mad for even having to apologize. BTW mine is diagnosed and in treatment and on heavy meds. Still the same results. Unfortunately we are going to have to give ourselves closure which is a longer route then dealing with a person with integrity.

I can give you some closure right now although it will not be as up to par as it would be coming from her mouth.

1. You are a good person and did no cause her to have this disorder

2. You can look at yourself in the mirror and say I treat people with respect and dignity

3. You are a loyal person who just placed it into the wrong person

4. You did what you could do for this person only she can change herself

5. Not all women are this ridiculous and it is going to feel mighty good when you date someone healthy after your healed. Almost like running with a weight vest for months and then finally taking it off to run without it.

6. You definitely deserve way and I mean way better this woman or child or whatever you want to call her

7. You are not in a straight jacket or phsyche ward which means you escaped with some form of sanity. You escaped thank God for that.

8. You can now have this poison out of your life so blessings can actually eventually come your way. You cannot get blessings being constantly poisoned.


I could keep going and going bro.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Thanks AG, that made me feel a bit better!

[Blimblam]

Yes be prepared to meet the angry child or detached protector when desiring an apology. Meeting that person my provide closure if you are ready to accept that. At the same time in my experience it retriggers more pain and suffering I've got deep down up to the surface. It is unpleasant.