Just when you think things are getting better.. stuff happens...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just when I thought I was really getting better. Making progress, going forward, forging my life again, getting on top... .

Today I walked into the coffee bar next to where I work and saw my stbx sitting there with his lap top, bold as brass. I haven't seen him for 9 months and this is entirely unexpected. He works 40 miles away at a university in a neighbouring city. What was he doing here? On my patch? Coincidence, design, games? I decided not to walk away. Time to face him. I took the seat opposite and waited and watched. I look at him hard searching for what it was that had made me love him so much for 30 odd years of my life. Hie's a big, handsome man, with a powerful, physique. He kept tapping away at his laptop ignoring me. Eventually he looked up. I asked about his affair,"so what's been going on?" He became defensive, angry, a monologue against me erupted. I listened and watched, half watching myself as I observed my own reactions to him and his bullying tone.  I spoke softy, continuing to question him about what he'd been doing and why he'd left me. Nothing I said was very well phrased or thought out but it was quiet. He got more and more riled by my questions, raising his voice, wagging his finger accusingly. More and more unpleasant. He kept saying, 'I'm here to give the keynote address and this is inappropriate," and I responded "I don't care, I want to know what's been going on". Stop it stop it stop it he said, over and over. I thought, I am not going to leave, he is going to have to leave, this is my patch,  and eventually he did. Got up and walked out seething. It felt like I saw off a predator. a very weird sensation.

[toomanytears]

Just when I thought I was really getting better. Making progress, going forward, forging my life again, getting on top... .

Today I walked into the coffee bar next to where I work and saw my stbx sitting there with his lap top, bold as brass. I haven't seen him for 9 months and this is entirely unexpected. He works 40 miles away at a university in a neighbouring city. What was he doing here? On my patch? Coincidence, design, games? I decided not to walk away. Time to face him. I took the seat opposite and waited and watched. I look at him hard searching for what it was that had made me love him so much for 30 odd years of my life. Hie's a big, handsome man, with a powerful, physique. He kept tapping away at his laptop ignoring me. Eventually he looked up. I asked about his affair,"so what's been going on?" He became defensive, angry, a monologue against me erupted. I listened and watched, half watching myself as I observed my own reactions to him and his bullying tone.  I spoke softy, continuing to question him about what he'd been doing and why he'd left me. Nothing I said was very well phrased or thought out but it was quiet. He got more and more riled by my questions, raising his voice, wagging his finger accusingly. More and more unpleasant. He kept saying, 'I'm here to give the keynote address and this is inappropriate," and I responded "I don't care, I want to know what's been going on". Stop it stop it stop it he said, over and over. I thought, I am not going to leave, he is going to have to leave, this is my patch,  and eventually he did. Got up and walked out seething. It felt like I saw off a predator. a very weird sensation.

[Hopeless777]

Good for you! I'm only 2.5 months out after 28 years and if that happened to me I'd freak out. Thanks for showing us how to be strong.

[Mr Hollande]

Seems he tried to take the fight to you and got a good whooping for his troubles. Elegantly executed!

[toomanytears]

Good for you! I'm only 2.5 months out after 28 years and if that happened to me I'd freak out. Thanks for showing us how to be strong.

Hopeless777. Thank you for your post. I couldn't have done it after just a few months. I was very fragile  until fairly recently. Then something switched in my head. I think it was meeting his former boss who told me I deserved a medal for putting up with him for so long. That has helped me to understand it wasn't just me.

BTW after I'd seen him off I went to the counter to get the coffee I'd come in for. I just broke down shaking and crying and the coffee ladies were so so kind. I then got to hear their stories. Seems like abusive partners are not very unusual.

Do you want to share your story?

[toomanytears]

Seems he tried to take the fight to you and got a good whooping for his troubles. Elegantly executed!

Thank you Mr Hollande

Yes It was very, very odd he turned up there. He was attending a conference - and I'm sure he was the keynote speaker. But why take the risk of bumping into me or one of my colleagues? I think he was showing off to his mummy (ie me) and the meeting did not go as planned... .

[toomanytears]

His interpretation of events:

I was invited to give a key note speech at a conference yesterday. I was in a public space preparing my presentation and talking with colleagues also attending the conference when you came over and started harassing me.

After your harassing behaviour in public yesterday I have made an appointment with my solicitor next week to discuss this, and will take action to stop it occurring again. It is completely unreasonable behaviour for you do this whilst I am working, or at any time.

In the meantime, I do not want you to contact me and I do not want to see you. You have been harassing me through email, text message and on Facebook. You have been spreading untruthful statements about me to friends, family and work colleagues. This must stop immediately. The Court hearing date has been set and the court will decide how our joint assets are divided.

[Tausk]

His interpretation of events:

I was invited to give a key note speech at a conference yesterday. I was in a public space preparing my presentation and talking with colleagues also attending the conference when you came over and started harassing me.

After your harassing behaviour in public yesterday I have made an appointment with my solicitor next week to discuss this, and will take action to stop it occurring again. It is completely unreasonable behaviour for you do this whilst I am working, or at any time.

In the meantime, I do not want you to contact me and I do not want to see you. You have been harassing me through email, text message and on Facebook. You have been spreading untruthful statements about me to friends, family and work colleagues. This must stop immediately. The Court hearing date has been set and the court will decide how our joint assets are divided.

Have you been emailing him?  Texting?  Facebooking?  If so, then you are asking for trouble. 

However, the above action by your ex is good news.  Really good news.  Clear boundaries have been established. You two can no longer interact with each other.  The greatest gift that you can give to yourself and to your ex is to not interact with him.  

Depersonalize.  :)etach and learn to live one's own life.  It's been very hard for me to learn, but I'm getting there.

Remember the Disorder always wins.   It's not fair.  It's not just.  It's not right.

But it is the truth.  

The Disorder always wins.  

You interacted with the Disorder and the Disorder won again.  

But at least in this case, a good outcome will come from it.  You and him no longer have any reason to even look at each other again.  So next time you will not question him, you will not interact, you will leave a victim... .which is good. Because that is the only way not to lose to the Disorder.

Congratulations.  :)ivide the assets, get into therapy, find yourself and live the life that you've always wanted.  It's possible.  

[toomanytears]

Tausk

Thank you for your non-judgemental reply. Sigh.  Asking for trouble is right. After reading these boards for several years now I should have known better.  A bit of me still hoped that I could reason with him. And I do think that by positioning himself right outside my work place he was attempting in a very inappropriate way to communicate. He had just seen our daughter and was probably disturbed by that. His family was everything to him, but he didn't have the emotional maturity to realise that a family only works when it's glued together.

A year has passed since he left. Time to move on. 

His interpretation of events:

I was invited to give a key note speech at a conference yesterday. I was in a public space preparing my presentation and talking with colleagues also attending the conference when you came over and started harassing me.

After your harassing behaviour in public yesterday I have made an appointment with my solicitor next week to discuss this, and will take action to stop it occurring again. It is completely unreasonable behaviour for you do this whilst I am working, or at any time.

In the meantime, I do not want you to contact me and I do not want to see you. You have been harassing me through email, text message and on Facebook. You have been spreading untruthful statements about me to friends, family and work colleagues. This must stop immediately. The Court hearing date has been set and the court will decide how our joint assets are divided.

Have you been emailing him?  Texting?  Facebooking?  If so, then you are asking for trouble. 

However, the above action by your ex is good news.  Really good news.  Clear boundaries have been established. You two can no longer interact with each other.  The greatest gift that you can give to yourself and to your ex is to not interact with him.  

Depersonalize.  :)etach and learn to live one's own life.  It's been very hard for me to learn, but I'm getting there.

Remember the Disorder always wins.   It's not fair.  It's not just.  It's not right.

But it is the truth.  

The Disorder always wins.  

You interacted with the Disorder and the Disorder won again.  

But at least in this case, a good outcome will come from it.  You and him no longer have any reason to even look at each other again.  So next time you will not question him, you will not interact, you will leave a victim... .which is good. Because that is the only way not to lose to the Disorder.

Congratulations.  :)ivide the assets, get into therapy, find yourself and live the life that you've always wanted.  It's possible.