Should have I reconciled?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello bpdfamily,

I recently moved away from the very small town that me and my ex were working in and onto a much bigger city for more challenging work and bigger opportunities. It has been a really hard change moving to a new city with no one I really know, and having no time to figure things out or find people to meet due to my new busy schedule (6AM leave for the train, home at 6:30PM, gym 7:30-9:30, then home eat/sleep).

So, things have changed. But my thoughts for some reason have been leaning towards, "Why did you go NC (its been 5 months)? Why didn't you just talk to her and try and reconcile things and try to be friends?" To be honest, my exBPDgf was one of my very best friends. We shared so much in common and had awesome adventures, and could bum out all day and still be happy. So part of me is like, why didn't you just talk to her, things could have been OK friends wise... .

But then part of me knows how deeply she hurt and wounded me and exposed core issues, issues I knew I had but denied for so long and know are on the surface. I know she's a person who only wants to use me, just to get what she needs to soothe herself. Its a crazy contradiction that I'm fighting here! Contacting her only causes hurt and being involved in her life, but then complete NC is SO DAMN BIZARRE! I knew this person for so long, and now I can't even talk to her in any fashion whatsoever. Perhaps I should have just talked to her, broke N/C, and just lived my life back in that same old town 

[dillan6241]

Hello bpdfamily,

I recently moved away from the very small town that me and my ex were working in and onto a much bigger city for more challenging work and bigger opportunities. It has been a really hard change moving to a new city with no one I really know, and having no time to figure things out or find people to meet due to my new busy schedule (6AM leave for the train, home at 6:30PM, gym 7:30-9:30, then home eat/sleep).

So, things have changed. But my thoughts for some reason have been leaning towards, "Why did you go NC (its been 5 months)? Why didn't you just talk to her and try and reconcile things and try to be friends?" To be honest, my exBPDgf was one of my very best friends. We shared so much in common and had awesome adventures, and could bum out all day and still be happy. So part of me is like, why didn't you just talk to her, things could have been OK friends wise... .

But then part of me knows how deeply she hurt and wounded me and exposed core issues, issues I knew I had but denied for so long and know are on the surface. I know she's a person who only wants to use me, just to get what she needs to soothe herself. Its a crazy contradiction that I'm fighting here! Contacting her only causes hurt and being involved in her life, but then complete NC is SO DAMN BIZARRE! I knew this person for so long, and now I can't even talk to her in any fashion whatsoever. Perhaps I should have just talked to her, broke N/C, and just lived my life back in that same old town 

[Mutt]

Moving to a different city and a new job is a huge transition. You may feel lonely and memories are triggered of ex.

You had a long history with her and shared some adventures and good times. Please don't be hard on yourself. She hurt you deeply. I found reading and posting on the forums grounded me when I started thinking about the good in the relationship. Reminding ourselves how bad things were helps. I'm sorry.

You have a lot going on. New city. New job. Things are still raw from the break-up. Are you seeing a T?

[Ventus2ct]

New opportunities await, you will be embarking on making a whole new group of friends, who knows what lies around the corner? We, and I can say WE know what lies in the past. I too felt a special connection, best friend and also could bum around all day with her, but, she treated me like dirt, as did yours, take note.

Wear your ex BPD badge with pride and look forward, there are so so so many nice lovely people out there and there's sure to be a lovely young lady who will treat you as you treat her, will be your best friend, lover etc etc.

I think it's easy to get "blinkered" by this BPD lark, there is more to life and a heck of a lot more out there than some selfish manipulative etc etc person we once put on a pedestal, the world is our oyster.

Just give it time, get out and about and meet people, the only way is forward, not backwards.

[Rise]

To be honest, my exBPDgf was one of my very best friends. We shared so much in common and had awesome adventures, and could bum out all day and still be happy. So part of me is like, why didn't you just talk to her, things could have been OK friends wise... .

I really don't want this to sound harsh, but did you really have that much in common? Or did she just mirror your likes and interests? Because, unfortunately, that's one of the things that happens in relationships involving a person with BPD. It's part of what sucks us in. They lack a defined sense of self, so they morph into what they think we want them to be. A whole lot of people on here have experienced it. Our exes loved one set of things when they were with us, but a completely different set of things when they moved onto their next partner.

The other problem is that friendships with a pwBPD face pretty much the same problems that romantic relationships do. There is a reason that most people with BPD have very few friendships that get far beyond the superficial level. It's just as draining and one sided as dating them. You'd still experience the same cycles of being painted black and white; Still have to deal with the one-sided nature of the relationship; Still have to cater to her demands, lest you face the consequences.

Perhaps I should have just talked to her, broke N/C, and just lived my life back in that same old town 

Mutt's right. You're going through a lot of huge transitions in your life, all at once. That can be overwhelming for anyone. I know when I've gone through similar events in my life, I was left feeling vulnerable and exposed. Those feeling left me very open to falling into old, bad habits, and my ex was the worst habit I had. Don't make that same mistake. I know it's tough, scary even. I'm sorry you're going through it. But you can make it through. Just try to stay focused, and stay strong. Things will get better.

Best luck,

Rise