Im at NC day 3 today and I feel soo good about it!
It really suprises me! Like many of you me and my exBPD fiancee broke up many times. But those times I always felt the extreme longing to be loved again by him! Even when he cheated on me and moved in with another woman to "save money on rent".
We had a long distance relationship and we were getting married in a month for him to be able to move here. Thank god I opened my eyes! How broken and sad I was in previous break ups... .Now I seem to be quite calm... .(Could be differe t tomorrow
) I dont wanna talk to him, I dont wanna see him, I dont long for his arms... .I dont hate him either... .He is sick... .I dont want to try to explain all his crazyness, it doesnt make sense anyway! I tried... .Really tried... .But it didnt work! He didnt take therapy serioud, didnt take his diagnoses serious... .I had to "learn to live with it... ."
His last temper tantrum was the final straw... .We were talking on skype, he was already in a grumpy mood. The connection dropped like it did so many times that day... .I called him back... .No answer. The rage he showed was unbelievable. He said that I wanted him to die, that I wouldnt morn his loss for even one day! I treated him like a dog and he needed to grow a pair to realise there are other women on this planet. I was already offline withe the first message. I bad set the rule that when he raged, i wouldnt listen nor defend myself anymore.
So put the phone on silent, tried to go on with my day (but I was scared, shaky, anxious etc.)
I decided then that I wasnt going to do it no more! Why would I marry a man that treats me like this? That says these nasty things about me? Would I want that to be the father of my children? Hell No! He was my "first love" i met him when I was 19. We got back together 2 years ago and god I loved him... .But besides moments of happiness, 75% of it was hell.
Disrespecting my friends, demanding all of my time (he wanted me on skype 10 hrs a day), spending all my cash, suicide threaths (once I called the police cause I was really worried and he got furious at me!), accusations, devaluation, emotional and verbal abuse... .I had no life... .He managed to make him my life... .And the weirdest thing is I LET HIM!
But I got out in time. Im 34 years old, I want a family really bad, but not like this. There's plenty of time to get my act together, work out my issues and start a good life!
I woke up this morning feeling liberated. I'm having a drink this afternoon with my best friend (always been his worst enemy), and I dont have to stress out about it! I can go where I want to go without drama!
I will have a life free from this supressed feeling, free from walking on eggshelves, free from manipulation, free from abuse, free from drama, stress and bull___!
Its liberation day people!
