which mode causes the "check in?"

[honeysuckle]

Does anyone have an opinion of which Mode the borderline is in when they have "moved on" but feel the momentary need to check in with you and see if they still can reach you? Is this abandoned child? or punitive parent? or neither?

[amigo]

I wonder about this one too.

I think maybe it is boredom, or "other supply currently unavailable", but it could also just be a random trigger, reading something online that reminds them of us or hearing a song, much like triggers for us.

Then again I read someone's observation on here that it seems almost on a schedule. In my case lately it seems like every three weeks. Almost like they marked their calender.

"It's been three weeks. Are you still here for me in case I need you? Ok. Good. Text you in three weeks" 

[.cup.car]

but it could also just be a random trigger, reading something online that reminds them of us or hearing a song, much like triggers for us.

Then again I read someone's observation on here that it seems almost on a schedule.

Agree with both of those.

My ex always has a habit of trying to contact me in July. Not sure if it's the set "schedule", or the abundance of auto racing ads on the radio that remind her of me.

[lipstick]

Hi Honeysuckle,

Don't know which "mode" they might be in when they keep tabs on you. My ex checks up on me via FB appx. every two weeks. He has me blocked from his main FB page - but has an alternate account. This is what I assume he uses to "keep tabs" on me. Does this very late at night. He keeps weird hours.

A friend of mine has monitored his behavior ever since he blocked me back in December. My ex will react to something of mine on FB - then go into a "Friending Frenzy" where he has to add several new "friends". Then goes quiet again (he posts nothing unless it is a reaction to me) until another two weeks has passed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm ashamed to admit that we deliberately baited him several months ago just to test the theory. We were correct. I don't bait anymore, though. Felt badly for doing it.

My personal opinion is that he's not in any particular "mode" when he does this. It's simply his way of keeping a connection to me. I think he feels great shame about what happened and how he treated me. Yet is unable / unwilling to communicate. At the same time - he is curious about how I'm faring and what I'm doing (he's nosy as heck !).  

I really believe for a lot of our exes - they can't bring themselves to totally sever their connection to us. My own co-dependency issues keep me tethered as well.  

[Caredverymuch]

Does anyone have an opinion of which Mode the borderline is in when they have "moved on" but feel the momentary need to check in with you and see if they still can reach you? Is this abandoned child? or punitive parent? or neither?

I think its a moment of boredom with current supply likely moving out of idealization and further along the phases.  I liken it to getting the oil checked in your car. Check the dip stick and as long as it shows some supply there, keep driving. The breadcrumbs involved in these supply checks solidify the emotional arrest of the pBPD. Not many healthy adults behave this way.

[biglearningcurve]

In my situation it was when he was feeling dissatisfaction and withdrawal from the replacement.  Then she got the work permit she was waiting for and all hell broke loose.

Although he made contact I accept that I also made the decision to recycle and I own my part in that.  I was not coerced into anything.

Another lesson learnt at the coal face of BPD

[honeysuckle]

Thank you all so much! The more I learn... .the more complicated the mind becomes and It is just overwhelming what goes on inside of me and I think of how much more so it is for him.

I am absolutely on a 3 week schedule! 20 to 21 days I get a text! It is so amazing to me when I hear others have the same experience! One more complex thing to process! Between the relationship stages and the modes and the ever changing needs! no wonder I never knew what was going on!

Triggers,changing relationship stage, and an oil check! That makes so much sense! I would be lost with out this place! I feel very sad for him and I do agree he feels shame. This helps me to move on to a healthier me. I wish to be compassionate at this point but not at my own expense! I too own my part in this lasting the 4 plus years it has!

[FindingWings]

My ex was checking in with me at least twice a day for the past week. On Monday I asked about her dog, he's been ailing, not a peep out of her since. And I know too that she has been seeing someone from our recovery circle and is playing a little game with the dating r/s thing.

And I agree with a couple other posts that there is an element of shame about her behavior that really grinds on her but, she will only acknowledge her behavior if I have apologized for something. Its never offered up front.

Something else here I wanted to toss out. I was having trouble sleeping and asked about using some of her Seroquel as she said it was prescribed for insomnia. When I asked about using her meds just temporarily, she sat up in bed and stated emphatically that the drug would rewire your brain, or something to that effect. Now, if you only need to sleep, why do you need a med that will rewire your brain?

''I can walk outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head against the cement, and when I stop? It feels real good"

[seeking balance]

The schema mode is typically associated with "checking in" would be abandoned child.

However, any could be in play.

Rather than worry about what "mode", I found it helpful to think of it this way - you (contact that is perceived pleasurable or emotionally soothing) are used when a pwBPD is triggered with perhaps abandonment or engulfment from some other close relationship.  This is the same way you might feel lonely and call a trusted friend for comfort or connection.  For the pwBPD, the emotion is amplified and the "soothing" is maladaptive (you).

Because "perceived" is in the definition, that does not mean it is a fact - many of us here try to focus on facts of BPD behavior rather than facts of the disorder - these are very different things.

Peace,

SB