I think it's help with boundaries I need?

[sweetheart]

My dBPDh self soothes with prescribed medication and OTC medications like codeine and anti-histamines. He had a long past history of illicit drug use. I accept the part that he needs medication to regulate his feelings and self soothe, but I do not accept his use of illicit drugs as part of mine or my sons life. I have recently realised that his use of OTC medication is his way around illicit drug use and he will say this to me.

However this last year he has lurched from crises to crises, must of which have been in the form of impulsive overdoses. As a result of this his mental health team have put controls on the collection of his medication because he cannot manage with large amounts of medication in the house. I collect his medication three times a week ( I am ok with this, it's not a local collection and I drive ) and then give it to my husband who then proceeds to misuse it and tops up any short fall with extra that he buys from a chemist.

My dilemma/problem is that after a recent hospital admission (three weeks ago) I have held on to his medication and am just putting his daily dose out for him in the morning. I don't want to do this anymore, it leaves me feeling controlling and parental.  He has not used any extra medication since discharge from hospital, but he is just starting to fray around the edges again and dysregulations are coming for certain, so will be extra medication buying.

How do I give back responsibility to him for his medication again whilst knowing what this will lead to for him and how do I express my concern about his additional use or is how I feel about this only relevant to me ?

I'm sorry if the post is confusing or vague in its question. I feel very conflicted about this as for me it is becoming ' a line in the sand ' - my father was an alcoholic and my mother was codependent and enabled my father for a long time. I see lots of similarities in my own marriage, but I am not my mother.

I know I can't put a boundary in place for his drug chaos or choices, but can I put a boundary in place that says if he uses outside his prescribed medication then he does this outside our home or indeed outside our marriage :'(

It is worth saying that when he misuses his medication or takes extra he is easier to be around, he is calm and stress free, but it is self-limiting because he cannot control how much he needs because of course his tolerance increases and this leads to greater incidence of dysregulations and so on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

sweetheart,

I accept the part that he needs medication to regulate his feelings and self soothe, but I do not accept his use of illicit drugs as part of mine or my sons life. I have recently realised that his use of OTC medication is his way around illicit drug use and he will say this to me.

It sounds as if you have some good clarity on your core values, which is the starting point. Perhaps you could try SET at a point in which your husband is regulated, let him know that you care about him and understand his need to self soothe, and also speak what is your truth -  that you can not expose your son to illicit drug use or OTC drug overuse. While it is understandable with this illness that medication may help ease anxiety, depression and other symptoms, there are a lot of methods for doing this like meditation, exercise, yoga, reading, hobbies, going for walks.

I know I can't put a boundary in place for his drug chaos or choices, but can I put a boundary in place that says if he uses outside his prescribed medication then he does this outside our home or indeed outside our marriage :'(

I think, again, that you have a great deal of clarity here. You cannot control his choices. This is about doing what is right for you and especially for your young son. I feel for you in this very difficult situation.   You can do as much as you can by speaking with compassion to your husband (sounds like you have really considered his needs from your post), and encourage him in different ways to reduce the stress within him. If he becomes angry or defensive, recall your values - that you are doing this not out of judgment of him, but out of love/care for yourself, for your son and ultimately for your husband. Please let us know how you are doing. Hopefully, someone with more experience than me can chime in. Rooting for you and your family.

[sweetheart]

Thank you for your response takingandsending,

Since my post my dBPDh majorly dysregulated and took all his medication in one go and then blamed me for doing this. I took the decision to leave our home for a few days with our son. Currently my husband is not able to speak without raising his voice or projecting all his inner turmoil onto me. I cannot risk our son being exposed to any of this disruption even though our leaving will trigger him further.

He managed nearly three weeks of calm after his hospital admission, but he is back to the same level of paranoia and dysregulation that was occurring before he tried to set light to himself. He is a very unwell man and it is breaking my heart to see the man I love just fall to pieces before my eyes and I know I can do nothing to prevent this. Fortunately most of his dysregulations take place outside the house, like he is raging at the world. I am able to stop a situation escalating at home by not engaging with him at all, but the disorder is relentless and conversation of any kind is very limited at the moment.

I have decided not to continue managing his medication for him, I am sure there will be natural consequences for this that can be managed by his mental health team, but not me.

I have to take each day one at a time at the moment.

[takingandsending]

I am both so sorry for you and so proud of you. You are remarkably clear headed considering what you are experiencing. I admire you greatly for taking care of your son in this way. I hope that you and your son find safety and some peace over the next few days until things settle down. Please let us know how you are doing.

[qkslvrgirl]

Sweetheart,

How old is your son? Have you had to leave the situation before?

If I understand you so far, you would have your dBPDh leave ("if he uses outside his prescribed medication then he does this outside our home". But temporarily you have wisely removed yourself and your son. Is that correct?

You've also referred to his mental health team of professionals: Can they place him in a rehab facility and be the ones who control his meds?

Ideally, this convalescence will enable your husband to make a choice for sobriety (non-drug use) or carefully controlled use of essential meds for long-term stability.

Having been a child (aged 4) when my mother had to remove me, my older brother, and herself from an alcoholic misogynist husband (our father), I was aware that our lives were in danger. When my mother asked me if I thought we needed to leave, I replied that "we have no choice". My point is that even a very young child can perceive danger and understand the need to find safety.

You have declared your boundary, now "what would it take" to let other people help you achieve an outcome you can live with?

You are doing so well - I pray that you and your son remain safe. Hopefully your husband will find the strength and guidance he needs to make the right choice for himself and his family.

Quicksilver Girl

 

[sweetheart]

Hello quicksilver girl,

Thank you for your response, support and questions that help me check my focus is where it needs to be.

The deal breakers for my marriage are violence, threats of violence against me and our son, illicit drug use, any OTC codeine use ( this stopped the week he was waiting to go to hospital). I used to feel very stuck and trapped in the marriage, like I would be unable to leave, I no longer feel stuck, I choose to stay. What has changed is how I respond to his disorder.

What caused this dysregulation is his perceived control by me over his medication. His perception was real, hence my dilemma.

We have asked for him to spend a period of time in a mental health rehab facility, his team are looking into the possibility of this as they now realise he was discharged from hospital too soon. We have also asked that he be able to take in-patient respite breaks when he is feeling unsafe. Fortunately there is recognisable pattern to the way he dysregulates, I can now see early warning signs and plan ahead. It has taken a lot of fighting and complaining on my part to get the support I believe should be in place for my husband and our family. Having a comprehensive care and support plan as had a positive impact on all our

Ives.

What has helped all of us is that he has to have daily contact with his team , either by phone or in person, they will also check in with me if they can't contact him. I feel we have much better support in place should a serious crisis arise.

Thus far our sons relationship with his father remains intact. He is 6 1/2 and also has support in place through his school to talk about having a daddy who is ill. He is a remarkably well adjusted little boy, but only because I have made sure that his well-being, his childhood remains intact and healthy despite his fathers difficulties. I have said it many times on here that walking away for my marriage to ensure that our son has a good enough life will never be a problem.

The person who was drowning when I found this site was me. I was torn between micromanaging my husbands mental health issues and making sure our sons life was as perfect as could be.

Letting go and accepting the disorder for what it is has freed up our whole family.