So pretty much everything about the relationship is wrong.

[gtrhr]

So pretty much everything about the relationship is wrong.

Except once in a while rarely we get together and share in some friendship.  Or if she needs someone to talk to, which can also be rare, we can text or talk on the phone.  Or if she decides we could have sex and then we both love that aspect of it.  She only seems to want this once a month.  While we are together to me it feels timeless and like I have always had these feelings for her and always will.  It feels like a real couple.  And then when she leaves I know it will be like an emotional vacuum.  I likely would not hear from her for days unless I make the effort.  She gets her fill and I'm left wanting a real relationship.  After so many years of "trying" you would think she wants one too.  She's talked about wanting a future and for us to work out so many time.  But her words don't match reality and I view them all as bait just to keep me in it trying.

The social norms about the guy being distant and the woman having real feelings is flip flopped.  But it's changed me.  Just less happy, laughing, joking around.  More cold and calculating because of not wanting to trigger her.  Less human really!  She hasn't changed even the times she claimed to be changing.

I have walked away from this before.  I broke up with her multiple times and yet she is "doing me a favor" by taking me back.  It's like the world of Bizarro Superman.

I thought I could walk the line of friendship and passion with her and stay emotionally detached.  But it's just not in my nature.  And frankly I'm glad.  It's not in her nature to get attached and miss me.

I wonder how others have finally moved on even when there is no rock bottom and everything is telling you this will never become the real relationship you wanted.

I'll be honest I'm scared to make the commitment to go no contact right now.

[freedom33]

It was heartbreaking to read this. You sound like you deserve much better than this buddy. Visualise a better future without her and believe in it. That helped me at least. Believe that the best are yet to come. Have hope. Look ahead. Anything will better than what you are going through. No one deserves this.

Best of luck.

[Moselle]

I broke up with her multiple times and yet she is "doing me a favor" by taking me back.  It's like the world of Bizarro Superman.

Hey GT,

Sorry to hear it's going tough for you.

This made me think about my relationship. I've got the same thing going on about doing favors :-).

Remember this is a person who has a serious mental illness. I recognise the emotional connection, and desire to make it work differently, but perhaps just accepting it for what it is, might help. It's a good reminder for me too.

Hang in there!

[gtrhr]

Thanks.  Yes, you know she's been more available lately until some minor thing came up last week and then she cannot handle anything resembling a couple.  Then she totally detached.  Because you know, it's always been about her needs and no one else.

I know I need to do no contact and make a commitment to it.

It feels like hope (with her) is my biggest enemy and like you said I need to make it hope about the rest of my life that drives me!

[startrekuser]

So pretty much everything about the relationship is wrong.

Except once in a while rarely we get together and share in some friendship.  Or if she needs someone to talk to, which can also be rare, we can text or talk on the phone.  Or if she decides we could have sex and then we both love that aspect of it.  She only seems to want this once a month.  While we are together to me it feels timeless and like I have always had these feelings for her and always will.  It feels like a real couple.  And then when she leaves I know it will be like an emotional vacuum.  I likely would not hear from her for days unless I make the effort.  She gets her fill and I'm left wanting a real relationship.  After so many years of "trying" you would think she wants one too.  She's talked about wanting a future and for us to work out so many time.  But her words don't match reality and I view them all as bait just to keep me in it trying.

The social norms about the guy being distant and the woman having real feelings is flip flopped.  But it's changed me.  Just less happy, laughing, joking around.  More cold and calculating because of not wanting to trigger her.  Less human really!  She hasn't changed even the times she claimed to be changing.

I have walked away from this before.  I broke up with her multiple times and yet she is "doing me a favor" by taking me back.  It's like the world of Bizarro Superman.

I thought I could walk the line of friendship and passion with her and stay emotionally detached.  But it's just not in my nature.  And frankly I'm glad.  It's not in her nature to get attached and miss me.

I wonder how others have finally moved on even when there is no rock bottom and everything is telling you this will never become the real relationship you wanted.

I'll be honest I'm scared to make the commitment to go no contact right now.

Read some of the threads of people who have been married to BPD spouses for years or decades.  Imagine that life and then run away from it as fast as you can.  Get over her and make a better life for yourself.  NOW!

[Moselle]

Thanks.  Yes, you know she's been more available lately until some minor thing came up last week and then she cannot handle anything resembling a couple.  Then she totally detached.  Because you know, it's always been about her needs and no one else.

I know I need to do no contact and make a commitment to it.

It feels like hope (with her) is my biggest enemy and like you said I need to make it hope about the rest of my life that drives me!

I know it's hard to see the silver lining, but you are gaining great experience. It's exercising muscles or developing them from scratch. You'll get there, and be stronger for it.

Acceptance was the hardest thing for me too. I remember saying to everyone. "I'm a fighter, I fight for what I want. It's what I do - I never quit" And ironically acceptance isn't quitting at all, it's accepting truth in the moment, that it's real and that there's nothing I can do about it in that moment. But there is so much that can be done, at home - in me. And I have the energy, since I stopped throwing mine down the BPD hole, where it made no difference anyway.

And once I did, I stopped trying to diagnose her and fix her too, and I felt peace for the first time. Peace that it may work out, it may not.

Strength to you GT  . You'll get there!

PS, mine's been acting like she's doing me a favour giving me a second chance and all that nonsense. So I just told her that I've decided I want nurturing, respect, autonomy and reciprocation from my romantic partner. Of course this is pretty much BPD nightmares, and she has blown it off a few times because it's scary. But I am persisting, and I won't back down or give up like I would have before. And it's shifted it from me squarely to her. She won't wiggle out this time I really have decided those things for me. If it means divorce then it means divorce, but she has a choice.

Just out of interest, are you part of the 88% of the population who believes that we are meant for "the one", or the 12% that believes that there are many potential people suited to us?

[gtrhr]

A couple of weeks ago I sat in my T's office and said, yes I know she doesn't love me the way I used to love her. I'm just kind of a boyfriend on the periphery of her life.  She's told me numerous times she is overwhelmed by her life, her work, her kids, and her controlling parents who live in her house.  She claims she is "scared" of me.

Which is quite hilarious to me to hear that someone fears me.  My ex wife knows my situation and would make an excellent character witness as to how not-scary I am!  I'm not exactly a wimp either - I don't back down from bullies.  And I think when it comes to my exBPDgf that she cannot handle when I set boundaries and stand up for myself.  It's just like you said.  Again she uses the "overwhelmed" word.  And she just totally withdraws if I stand up to her respectfully.

One thing I've really worked hard on is to allow myself to feel whatever emotions she brings out in me.  The anger, resentment, frustration, and the anxiety she causes me.  I do that on my own time.  I don't verbally abuse her back - whether she's being passive aggressive or saying mean things to me I have been keeping the moral high road so I can call out her bad behavior and feel NO GUILT for doing so, and so she cannot turn things around and make me feel as if my angry response is the cause of her saying something mean in the first place.

This really removes one of the toxic elements from the interaction.  Since I've been working on myself and she hasn't changed much at all it's getting easier to just see this isn't going anywhere and it's up to me to move on next.  I mean I've always known that but I needed to return to being a nice guy.  Not one that is riddled with anger and frustration.

I accept that the relationship will never be what I want for my life.  She has said before that she wants a relationship that is like icing on the cake.  Not a core part of her life. It differs a LOT from how we used to talk in the beginning.  It's been hard to let go of a lot of dreams we talked about together.  They were things we could really have - just nice.  And she knows it and occasionally puts those ideas out there as bait for me.  I can even accept that she means it in that moment but it's not some persistent thought she has.

Read some of the threads of people who have been married to BPD spouses for years or decades.  Imagine that life and then run away from it as fast as you can.  Get over her and make a better life for yourself.  NOW!

It has already been 5 years.  I do agree.  I need to be more urgent about it so I can cut the emotional ties completely and get on with life.  It's tough - I am going to have to work hard to rebuild friendships.

Just out of interest, are you part of the 88% of the population who believes that we are meant for "the one", or the 12% that believes that there are many potential people suited to us?

Oh I believe there is someone out there much better suited to being with.  Maybe even more than one person... .

[freedom33]

Just out of interest, are you part of the 88% of the population who believes that we are meant for "the one", or the 12% that believes that there are many potential people suited to us?

I think that God, the universe, this life, evolution whatever you believe in would have been very mean to humanity to bring us to this world along with 7 billion other people and just providing with only one person for each to be able to make us happy. I am better off playing the lottery with those chances.  

[Moselle]

I think that God, the universe, this life, evolution whatever you believe in would have been very mean to humanity to bring us to this world along with 7 billion other people and just providing with only one person for each to be able to make us happy. I am better off playing the lottery with those chances.  

Hah! Especially cruel if one is in New York and the other is in Laos.

But there are apparently plenty of plonkers out there including my BPD wife who believe that. She gets so upset when I tell her I'm definitely in the unpopular 12%  . The fact that she's threatened divorce 18 times probably means she's joined me there now.

When you win the lottery, please remember the name "Moselle", I'll send you my banking details

"In Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project Survey, 94% of 20-to-29-year-olds said: “When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” Another 88% said: “There is a special person, a soulmate, waiting for you out there.”

[freedom33]

Hehe. Will do if I win it Moselle but our joint chances as you imagine are close to zero since I am in the unpopular 12% that doesn't believe in lottery either and rarely play. Speaking of lottery I remember that once I thought of playing the lottery while in the honeymoon phase with my ex but I stopped and thought nah! don't need it. I have won the lottery already (meaning her my soulmate). And what a lottery it was indeed!

This word soulmate gives me the creeps now.

[Moselle]

Hehe. Will do if I win it Moselle but our joint chances as you imagine are close to zero since I am in the unpopular 12% that doesn't believe in lottery either and rarely play. Speaking of lottery I remember that once I thought of playing the lottery while in the honeymoon phase with my ex but I stopped and thought nah! don't need it. I have won the lottery already (meaning her my soulmate). And what a lottery it was indeed!

This word soulmate gives me the creeps now.

I'll hold you to that . This me sitting in the Caribbean, enjoying our winnings 

Mine is 'Stressed' tonight, because I asked her about nurturing me. Apparently she has not nurtured me all these years for "a plethora of reasons" all of them 'my fault'.

Another day. It's all good.

[freedom33]

Good for you putting your foot down! Just keep consistent with your demands and red lines and you will get somewhere in the end!