Abandoned Mothers

[TruthBearer]

Hello

Just registered here as I am finding it difficult to get over the fact that my 30 year old BPD daughter had cut all contact with me.

Anybody else in the same boat?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello TruthBearer

If you go to the parent's board Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board you will find that there are others with adult children who are or have been in the same postion.

It is very upsetting.

I was in this position for a few months and had helpful advice on that board about how to approach my daughter.

Could you tell us a little more about your situation?

Does your daughter have a formal diagnosis of BPD?

What was the background to her cutting contact?

It would help us to support you if we knew a bit more

[mywifecrazy]

Truth bearer, I wish I could get my X Mother in law to read your post and others. There is healing in knowing there are others sharing the same grief.

My uBPDxw has totally abandoned her mother. She left me and her sons a year ago and has broken off all contact with her Mom. Her Mom doesn't even know where she lives. She has painted her Mom black for some reason and it is really sad to witness. I've even had my X mother in law to my 9yr olds hockey game and my uBPDxw just ignored her Mom and acted like she wasn't even there. It was a sad and pathetic thing to witness. I don't know what it must have felt like for a Mom to have a child abandon her but I'm sure you do.

Hang in there!

MWC... .

[chooselove]

The first time it happened to me I was inconsolable.  It has happened many times since then and at this point in time, while sad deep inside, I'm also enjoying the peace and relief that comes with it, and reflecting upon the toll my daughter's uBPD and other symptoms have taken upon not just myself but everyone else in our extended family who tried to either help her or give their time encouraging me through it.  I'm now of the belief that we all need this break from each other.  I do occasionally (every few months) hear from her when she needs something.  I have surrendered that it is out of my control and that it is not good for me to wallow in the "what ifs" of my bad parenting history or the wonderment at how I failed in the past 2 decades to try and make it up to her.  I pray that with me out of the picture her life is improving since I was the one she blamed for every thing that did not go well for her.  I do know that my life is better with her gone in the sense that the uBPD made it impossible for us to have the mother/daughter relationship we both desired.  But my love for her has not and will never be diminished. It just won't be expressed because there is no where for it to be received at this time.  So I carry it with me like a precious secret... .very real, but unseen.

[TruthBearer]

Thank you so much every body for responding.

I deliberately posted a very short first message to test the waters.

There is lots of information out there advising how to help people with BPD i.e. sensitivity, sympathy and compassion, but not lots for parents that have been totally 'blacklisted' by their child.  I have gone through many emotions such as guilt, anger, remorse and grief.

I wish my daughter, who has been diagnosed with BPD about 5 years ago, would see me and how much I love and care about her and do anything I can to help her - if she would let me.  It tears me apart that she will not let me into her life and blames me and her stepfather for the BPD entirely.  Her situation may be a little bit different from others out there however as she has unofficially adopted my sister's family as hers and they have all decided to shun me.  It is heart rending for me to face the fact that they do not have BPD but have decided to uphold my daughters mistaken beliefs that I am a dreadful person.  My sister's children have not spoken to me for 15 years and I have never been told what the problem with me is despite suggesting reconciliation meetings and another (not blacklisted) member of the family asking them what the issues were on my behalf.  The last attempt to meet my niece ended with everybody blocking any kind of contact with me whatsoever and my daughter sending me a lengthy text asking me to leave 'her family' alone and not to contact her.

You would think that I was aggressive or unreasonable in my tone when I sent the FB message to my niece, but all I simply did was ask to meet for coffee and apologised for anything that I might have done to offend anybody in the past.  I also said that it had been a long time and we needed to sort something out.  Nothing vindictive at all.

None of it makes sense... .except that she has BPD and therefore is irrational and has erroneous beliefs upon which she judges myself and her stepfather.

I have decided to let go of everything, especially hope, as it is far too painful not to.  I have decided to write her name and all the things that a future relationship with her would have entailed i.e. grandchildren, happy relationship, love, honesty, trust, respect on a sky lantern and physically let go of it into the sky.  I really think this would help me to get over the fact that she does not want me in her life.  If she later decides that she does want to see me - well that would be a bonus, but I will take it at face value and never read too much into her change of approach.

Again, thanks people for taking the time to read my post and I wish you all the strength and courage to keep moving forward with your own individual issues with your children.

[madmom]

We have recently been through this also.  Our dBPD 26 year old daughter went no contact for a few weeks after we had found out about a couple of big lies and some other very immoral/inappropriate behavior.  She is currently in contact with us a little, and has explained how ashamed she is that YET AGAIN she has done things that are not acceptable. Thanks to this site, the lessons, tools and advice my husband and I are handling it better than we have any other time this has happened.  When we do talk to her or text her we validate and use SET.  We are working very hard at not being in the FOG and to set boundaries and support without enabling.  She isn't handling our reaction very well because we aren't making excuses, rescuing etc. this time.  Time will tell what will happen.  Do I feel like their is a knife in my heart when I think of the relationship I would like to have---yes---but to have hope for a better future my husband and I are trying hard to make ourselves better when dealing with her.  I am so sorry for all of the pain the situation you are in is causing you.  My advice, take a break from all the misery and drama.  Take care of yourself, maybe work with the tools and lessons you find here.  Do things for yourself, take walks, read books, go to movies, redecorate your bedroom, ---whatever you are interested in doing that will bring you some joy and happiness.  You are not alone in your hurt and sadness.  Please come to this site when you need support, I think you will find plenty of it.

[Iamafaerie]

Truthbearer.

The answers to the questions you have about your whole family's response to your situation may be found if you study Narcissistic Personality Disorder and specifically 'daughters of narcissistic mothers'. Your mother (or your father) may have NPD.

The behaviours of your sister and your children fit the profile of this kind of family dynamic. I come from this kind of family and found all of the answers to my strange confusing family's behaviours once I studied it all online.

I too, tell the truth as you name implies, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Have done my whole life. Narcissists cannot cope with this kind of person. I was the scapegoat and my mother taught my brother and sister to scapegoat me as well. Narcissists fear truth tellers because the thing they fear more than anything is exposure.They target the truth teller in order to set down a mindset with everyone that this person cannot be trusted or is 'crazy'.

My daughter (43) wrote to me over five years ago and told me not to contact her family ever again. She has kept in touch with my toxic family. I never knew what I did but have figured it out since. She is married to a narcissist and I emailed both of them on his email account to tel her that i had arranged to have online references to her charge of embezelling money from the bank she worked in 15 years ago, removed from the internet. I have since realised that her husband of many years did not know of this at all. Therefore I unwittingly exposed it to him. It did not occur to me that he would not know, I thought I was alleviating their fear of their son finding out in the future.

I realise now I became the feared one as I told the truth. How dare I.

I encourage you to study narcissistic famiiies and the dynamics including charming, gas lighting, flying monkeys, scapegoat, golden child, fleas etc. etc.

You may find that one or more of your siblings are also narcissists. BPD is also commonly associated with families with a narcissistic matriarch or patriarch, often in the grandchildren. (this is my opinion based on research on the net)

Information is power.

I have let go of my daughter ever coming back to me unless her marriage breaks up. I have realised that she confuses love with needing someone. She will not come back to me unless she has a need for me. Watch the movie Blue Jasmine with Cate Blanchett, a typical story of how the BPD 'needs' people and moves from old partner to new one.

I used to try to pretend my daughter had died, but that did not work as my son died and it is not the same. I actually had to train myself to feel angry at her. If you are indeed the product of a narcissistic family you will have been trained to not express or even feel anger.

Now I am not sure I will ever have her back if she approaches me. I do know I will have two strong conditions. All initial conversations will be in the presence of others who can be trusted to see a viewpoint she will not see, she must agree to undergo life coaching training for a period of two years focusing on communication, assertiveness language and anger management. I would also have the condition of her agreeing to take an SNRI medication which I beleive helps to regulate emotions.

I know lots of people beleive in DBT and other forms of therapy, but I have found it to be inneffective and extremely long term compared to learning life skills through a good life coach. I won't get into that belief as it may be inflammatory to the opinions of others. I do beleive the communications skills on the right are necessary to learn as well to enable smooth communication.

I do feel your pain. If it is any consolation I feel you are on the right track. I too, find some comfort in rituals. I have buried symbols of my daughter and no longer keep anything as I have no hope of a reconciliation. It would be lovely, but I need to live my life without hope as I find it painful.

[chooselove]

I am very wary of the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" and similar websites as they convinced my uBPD daughter that I was the problem and rather than seek professional help she used these websites to identify herself as the victim and embolden her upset at our family.  She diagnosed me as a malignant narcissist and started using words like scapegoating and gaslighting during every conversation.  I sought out professional help to see if I was indeed afflicted with NPD and several therapists said that I was an enabler and struggling with guilt but definitely not NPD.  I was told that my daughter was projecting onto me and others her own suffering.   My daughter said they must be stupid therapists and stuck by her cyber analysis of me and the rest of our family based on these websites.  I just want to say that anyone should be careful and use lots of self-examination when studying what these websites teach.  Many of them focus entirely on the "bad mothers" and they promote going no contact and go to great lengths to vilify the parents, to mock them and promote separation... .plus they do not give a warning that only professionals should diagnose someone as having NPD. 

[Iamafaerie]

That is a terrible shame that happened and a very real risk to all families struggling with these issues.

The post was encouragement to Truthbearer to study narcissistic families and narcissism itself to gain insight into the dynamics of her immediate family.

I did not encourage her to go to Daughters of Narcissists. I would not do that.

I think it's OK to be open to the possibility of gaining insight from many different areas, including professionals, forums and clinical studies.

Surely, nobody on this forum would be foolish enough to diagnose anyone else or make decisions on the basis of one forum or one post on BPD family forum.

I felt comfortable addressing these options for Truthbearer to consider for herself, as a mature adult, which showed through in her writing.

[mama72]

My BPDd17 has just recently self-diagnosed herself with NPD, and is very proud of it. I can't say I disagree with this diagnosis, in addition to BPD. Her dad is a self-proclaimed Narcissist.

What resources did you study, Iamafaerie, on NPD?

[Kate4queen]

This is an interesting topic for me. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother who has never understood my difficulties with my 22 yr old BPD son (who definitely had a side of NPD as well)-until he turned his rage on her and she suddenly decided to cut him out of her life.

I suspect there are a lot of genetic reasons for these conditions turning up again and again in families. I only hope that some time in the future we will understand them and how to successfully deal with them.

I don't hate my mother. She is what she is and she did her best to bring us up so no complaining about her from me.

I do find as a mother that there is still an instinctive need to blame the mother for everything. I fear that we have gone so far toward child first that we've lost the ability to be balanced. I know when we were seeking help for our son during his school years that everything we said was ignored in favor of what he said. And he, unfortunately is a liar and manipulator of the truth.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Iamafaerie]

What resources did you study, Iamafaerie, on NPD?

I started off by studying the DSM-v The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health which is the manual that is used by Psychiatrists to gauge all symptoms and behaviours and diagnose specific personality disorders and other mental health issues.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

I did look at Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers forum but found it to not provide an unbiased view.

I then found as many medical studies as I could find in PDF form and read them.

Then did searches on the net with different mixes of words. Narcissistic + mothers + scapegoat etc. etc.

I found further detail on Narcissists and how there are many different types of narcissist. The Queen, The Waif, The Witch... .The Malignant Narcissist.

I spent 18 months doing this and it helped me to understand my mother's motivation, my childhood, my brother and sister''s behaviours and my father.

It also helped me to make the decision to go No Contact with all of them.

This is after 18months consideration, advise from a Life Coach and a therapist, developing PTSD and fibromyalgia while trying to work out a relationship with them all.

(doing all of the communication)

The study I did gave me closure and understanding. It was painful but I am through it now.

I now know I am not a bad person, which is what they all tried desperately to get me to believe.

I am glad my post has helped someone on here to consider this.

Best wishes to you all. x

[parent of bpd daughter]

Thank you for this thread - I really needed this support too.

Thanks also to reply from iamafaerie ... I am learning in my own therapy

to experience ANGER at all the NPD/BPD's in my life- including my BPDD who

is now 34. I lost her sometime in her teens. I have never been able to be

Angry at her - only frightened of her - my own child. Anger is counterintuitive

to most mothers - it takes training to be angry at your chldren.

I am convinced the condition is more genetic that we know scientifically at this time.

My own mother has some type of NPD/BPD issues, My first husband also severely NPD -

gender confused - now gender changed. My BPDD shares 1st husband's genes and

she is BPD/NPD now represents as gay - but has considered gender reorientation also.

Long story short - I am trying now like iamafaerie to Learn Anger at my BPDD. IF I can

learn to be angry at the horrible things she has done, I can protect my own heart better.

I too - completely understand I will never get her "back" she is living dead - and will never

have a relationship with me other than asking for money or other things she needs. She

is mean, manipulative and I will never allow myself alone with her as I fear her, she has

assaulted me in the past.

We all have to do the radical acceptance thing - find other people to help - volunteer

at shelters, places where we CAN help others and heal our pain.

I refuse to spend the rest of my life (a few decades I have left hopefully) in pain over something

I cannot change. In essence - she did die - her body did not, but her soul is empty and I will

never have a relationship with her. So be it - cannot change it - gotta find healthy ways to cope.

Many others out in the world can and will welcome my help and love.

Peace to us all.

[lever.]

This is all so complicated-especially when these disorders crop up in different generations in a family.

It is good to have insight but I find some of the internet sites a bit alarming because they are not very balanced-there is not always the constructive advice that there is on here.

I do realize that the only way forward for some children is breaking contact with their family but sites like daughters of narcissistic mothers don't account for the possibility that the child may not be perceiving the situation accurately due to their own mental health issues.

As a parent with a difficult relationship with her daughter I am not sure getting angry with her is the answer (although it would be very easy if I dwelled on some of the things that have happened over the years!)

I find radical acceptance that she has a long term mental illness more helpful.

When she was completely out of contact with me I found that using mindfulness meditation to get my own emotion under control helped-as did seeing my friends and spending time on my own interests.

I sometimes feel hurt that all my efforts to help have gone unrecognized and she only remembers my mistakes but I try not to dwell on it. I have had to adjust to less contact with my grandchildren.

I do agree with trying to let this affect the decades of life left to us as little as possible and to try to continue to find enjoyment in life whilst still trying to let our daughters know we are there for them.

It is hard that I have been in the position of the members with teenagers on here-doing everything in my power to help and now all that is remembered is the occassions when I said the wrong thing -but I guess that's BPD.

No wonder people are posting about how much they hate this disorder!

[js friend]

Ive always thought that my dd is more NPD than Bpd, with the little scathing remarks she makes about others. Even her classmates were looked down on when she was at school as she thought that many of them were dumb.Her feelings of superioty is the same now. One example is that she only applied for managerial jobs even though she held a job for a few wks working in a fast food place and  frequently tells her sister that she thinks that her job is stupid as she has yet qualified and no-one else would do it yet she hasnt got a job herself! I belive that she has inhertied these traits from her father who also has an over inflated ego.

As a mother I would think that trying to keep up feelings of anger would be counterproductive towards any healing. When my dd was a young teen and doing the things she did a I was angry at my dd seemingly  with no conscience or remorse., yep i was angry a lot of the time then Now i have an understanding of  why she did the things she did and it has allowed me to  let go of that anger  which has freed up so much more space in my mind and heart.

Anger is such a powerful emotion that can take a lot out of you. I say this  when thinking of my own dd and her anger issues which often overwhelmes and disables her thinking and limits her. Plus I see so much of this emotion from her that I try to find other ways to express myself as she carries around enough of it for all of us!

[SeaSprite]

I think there is a place for anger, maybe, if you don't get stuck there.

Dealing w my pregnant 16/y/o who has run away to live with her older bf and his family (his family seems to be "protecting" her from her awful home life.)

And in cleaning up her room... .it was so ironic to find the journals and letters describing how horrible my rules are and how I can go to hell and live happily knowing I've driven her away. And that I haven't helped her in any way.

Ok, not a perfect mom by any means, but have tried to give her every opportunity, supported her and had her back with the school when she was struggling, helped her get her GED and enroll in college... .this is a kid who has had family trips and camping and we go to the theatre and the opera, we Do Stuff as a family.

So first I cried ( ok, first I took a shot of Irish whiskey, then i cried) then I cleaned her room, in case she comes home she has a pleasant place to sleep instead of the chaos she left behind, and now I am finding it helpful to be a little angry.

Not just at her, but at the universe, for taking away the life my daughter could have had and replacing it with one with so much unnecessary drama and chaos.

I will let go of the anger in a minute, but right now it is the only thing keeping me from crawling back into bed and hiding under the covers.

It's time to organize my life so that it will work with or without her in it, since it seems likely she will bounce in and out of it. A little anger gives me energy, instead of despair. I don't know what that says about me as a person, but I seem to function better mad than sad.

[TruthBearer]

Thank you everybody so much for posting your own personal observations re your experiences of living with a child with BPD.  I am especially intrigued with the idea that my daughter's new 'family' may have narcissistic tendencies.  I have to say, the 'lead matriarch' in that family does display classic signs of such a personality.  Extremely enlightening.

I am so sorry for the pain that you have been subjected to.  I have learnt that I do not want to be a victim due to being treated so unfairly by all of them.  You cannot move forward as long as you remain a victim.  You have to take control of your life, understand that the BPD is something that you are unable to change, especially if your child doesn't want anything to do with you.  Don't blame yourself.  Move on with your life and accept the situation for what it is.  Only your child can do anything about their situation and you can be there for them when/if they chose to seek you out.  I will have my boundaries and do not intend to become an enabler for her however.

I have much empathy and compassion for all of you out there, but we have to keep going for the sake of our own lives and especially for our loved ones; our other children, who depend on us and trust us to be there for them.  I know I will think of her often, she is my first born child after all, and when I do I will say "I forgive you" because I know that this is the only way to move forward.  I refuse to dwell on a situation that it is not within my power to change.  I urge others to do the same.  I wish all of you the strength and courage to do the same. x