Positive she has BPD but... this email seems not the case?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is an email I just got from my gf of almost 10 years who recently painted me black and ran off with a drug dealer! Lot's of cheating, fogging, mirroring, anger, etc. but, I still love her and our part time relationship was about to be permanent. Here's a link to the full story... .but... .from the email she sounds almost non BPD? Or, is this a pull thing because I've been 4 days NC and she's beginning to realize? I haven't responded. She normally types perfectly and you can see that she must have typed at warp speed!

bpdfamily.com > Dealing with Relationship Partners (heterosexual, gay, lesbian) with BPD  > [L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving > Topic: Did I push them together considering she has BPD.



"Look, I'm really sorry about how everything is going down.   I hate it.   I wish things were

Different and I wish we could have taken off each other better.   I do care and love you but as I said,  so much bad had happened in our relationship is so hard to see the good.   I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. . Knew there had to be a good man in there but he never fully appeared which hurt really bad.   I finally gave up knowing I wasnt the one who was going to make you happy. .ever.

As far as the l lifestyle you're implying I'm developing,  it isn't true.   Yes,  we go out Fri and Saturdays but that's it.  You make it seem like it's a drug, sex and alcohol fest and is not.  I know your hurt ands you'll say anything to make it seem like your right but I'm sorry,  you couldn't be more wrong.   So please stop making stories up.   There are NO drug runs and my car isn't tooling people around it.  Please stop making that story up.

As far as the car,  I made another payment.   I will continue to make more until it is paid.   I am not working yet so please work me.  I told you I only got one months severance and I need it to stretch. . Please dont be so cruel.   I am trying to make things work ands I have made my payments.   Please give me that at least. 

It is strange not taking to you after all this time ands I do cry when I think about everything.   It's hard on this end to Paul but I am just trying to protect myself too. 

I'm not or to hurt you or anyone... I just want to be happy. 

I hope you're well."

[Englishman]

This is an email I just got from my gf of almost 10 years who recently painted me black and ran off with a drug dealer! Lot's of cheating, fogging, mirroring, anger, etc. but, I still love her and our part time relationship was about to be permanent. Here's a link to the full story... .but... .from the email she sounds almost non BPD? Or, is this a pull thing because I've been 4 days NC and she's beginning to realize? I haven't responded. She normally types perfectly and you can see that she must have typed at warp speed!

bpdfamily.com > Dealing with Relationship Partners (heterosexual, gay, lesbian) with BPD  > [L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving > Topic: Did I push them together considering she has BPD.



"Look, I'm really sorry about how everything is going down.   I hate it.   I wish things were

Different and I wish we could have taken off each other better.   I do care and love you but as I said,  so much bad had happened in our relationship is so hard to see the good.   I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. . Knew there had to be a good man in there but he never fully appeared which hurt really bad.   I finally gave up knowing I wasnt the one who was going to make you happy. .ever.

As far as the l lifestyle you're implying I'm developing,  it isn't true.   Yes,  we go out Fri and Saturdays but that's it.  You make it seem like it's a drug, sex and alcohol fest and is not.  I know your hurt ands you'll say anything to make it seem like your right but I'm sorry,  you couldn't be more wrong.   So please stop making stories up.   There are NO drug runs and my car isn't tooling people around it.  Please stop making that story up.

As far as the car,  I made another payment.   I will continue to make more until it is paid.   I am not working yet so please work me.  I told you I only got one months severance and I need it to stretch. . Please dont be so cruel.   I am trying to make things work ands I have made my payments.   Please give me that at least. 

It is strange not taking to you after all this time ands I do cry when I think about everything.   It's hard on this end to Paul but I am just trying to protect myself too. 

I'm not or to hurt you or anyone... I just want to be happy. 

I hope you're well."

[elessar]

Personality disorders are not something that is prevalent all the time in a person. That is one reason why we are so addicted to them. because a lot of times they can seem perfect. Many, many BPDs are high functioning and are extremely intelligent and they have excellent careers as doctors and health care/social workers. Their traits appear when they feel triggered by something. My ex can sound extremely wise when she isn't going through her phases. and isn't this the definition of an unstable relationship. it is the ups and downs. as I love to say, if the person was completely crazy I would never have tolerated it. but the craziness is mixed with the wonderfulness. when it is good, it is great. when it is bad, it is hell. right now while writing this email she is fine because nothing is triggering her.

no one is a PD because of some traits expressed over a few days or few months. and no PD is normal because they seem for a few days or few months. their behavior has to persist for years in an on/off matter, and affect their lives and those around them, for it to be a disorder. from your earlier stories, she definitely has severe BPD traits. does she have enough of them to be diagnosed as one, I do not know. but I do know she has made your life pretty bad over a long period of time.

[Englishman]

So... .two hours later an instant message of "you there"

Again... .I didn't respond. If I want her back (of course under many conditions and changes)... .is this the right thing to do?

[enlighten me]

I had a very similar message off of my exgf.

What struck a chord was the not trying to hurt you bit. I believe this to be true and the reason for me that we split up is that she found it hard to deal with how she had treated me.

I believe that she thought if we stayed together she would end up hurting me and that if it ended when it did I would not find out what she had got up to. I also think that the guilt of what she had done made her lash out the way she did and she realised that she was hurting me by lashing out.

Its all conjecture on my behalf. Only she can really know the whys of it all.

[NeedHelpPls]

So... .two hours later an instant message of "you there"

Again... .I didn't respond. If I want her back (of course under many conditions and changes)... .is this the right thing to do?

"under many conditions and changes"

is this the relationship you always pictured yourself in?

[JohnLove]

That email seemed very rational and sensible... .to me alone... .but only you can put it in perspective Englishman.

My analysis: It would seem like pulling behaviour. pwBPD do not like to be cut off from their "supply" and like to have plan B (and C, and D, and E... .) because they almost know or they appreciate things will go bad in their present situation as they have before time and time again.

She seems as though she is being perfectly reasonable... .although I have read your other posts a while ago I do not know what the "bad stuff" in your relationship was... .but the finger pointing by her in this email did not allude me.

I am not saying there is no possible future for a relationship with this person but I wouldn't wish false hope on anybody.

Listen to the advice given by more experienced posters here... .and ultimately decide for yourself. It is your life. You will have to live with the consequences of your decisions.

Tread carefully... .(just not on eggshells)... .see what I did there?... .sometimes I crack myself up... .or maybe I'm just cracked... .

Go easy on yourself my friend.

[enlighten me]

The fact that the email was rational is very common with BPD.

I was looking at the way my exgf wrote. When I was idolised the messages where full of poor grammar, spelling mistakes and out of place punctuation! (for example).

When painted black the messages where well written, correctly spelt, grammatically correct and well punctuated.

This proved to me how a BPD can do well in work as they are emotionally detached or guarded. As opposed to be more open with their emotions during the idolisation stage.

[Vexed]

I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Knew there had to be a good man in there but he never fully appeared which hurt really bad. 

I finally gave up knowing I wasnt the one who was going to make you happy.

I know your hurt ands you'll say anything to make it seem like your right but I'm sorry,  you couldn't be more wrong. 

A lot of projection, excuses, and blaming for an email where she is trying to pull you in for what looks like to b e because she's afraid to lose h Dr car.  Must be in your name or something?

[goldylamont]

Englishman I don't see any "pulling" going on I this email at all. Neither do I see it as rational at all.

Vexed is right. I apologize to others but I can only agree with Vexed so far on this one. She repeatedly puts the blame squarely on you, even though she cheated, etc, etc.

Englishman I'm sorry but you should not be paying for your ex's car. I would call this financial abuse but actually I can't as you seem to be complicit--do you share kids with her where she needs the car? If the only reason is because you are worried how she will fare without your help then I would work on letting this go. This email says to me that she is done, no plans to come back, the r/s was your fault... .and oh, don't forget to pay my bills while you're at it...

10 years is a long time. I'm sure all of this is still fresh. But so far I haven't seen a shred of respect (or rationality) in this email coming from her. Its an exercise in life to learn to not allow people like this to take advantage of us time and again.

[Englishman]

The story on the car is that I leant her $5,000 to buy the car in January and she was making $450 monthly payments. The car is in my name. She got a severance package and used it to almost pay it off. She owes me $330 more. If you had seen previous communications then you would see that this is a better attitude. Before, she has told me how happy she is with her new guy, how everyone notices how happy she is, how we were never meant to be, how I abused and hurt her, how it was 10 years of hell, how no-one wants us back together. I've been 5,000 miles away for three months... .when I'm there who knows what she'll think.

[Vexed]

The story on the car is that I leant her $5,000 to buy the car in January and she was making $450 monthly payments. The car is in my name. She got a severance package and used it to almost pay it off. She owes me $330 more. If you had seen previous communications then you would see that this is a better attitude. Before, she has told me how happy she is with her new guy, how everyone notices how happy she is, how we were never meant to be, how I abused and hurt her, how it was 10 years of hell, how no-one wants us back together. I've been 5,000 miles away for three months... .when I'm there who knows what she'll think.

Only 330, that's awesome.  Glad you didn't get screwed in that deal.

[Englishman]

It's interesting. She has certainly done some very bad things, is useless with her own money, always overdrawn etc. But... .she has maintained her job for 5 years and always made the payments on the car. She's never been after money or me to pay for anything in all of our 10 years. When we had our own place she was often late with her side of the rent but she did pay it eventually. Somewhat like a 19 year old kid would be with there money. (She's 45) I've never known her to have more than $1,000 to her name ever!