Does your ex ever try to make you jealous?

[Bak86]

I noticed today she was starting to tell colleagues of ours that she had some dates, while i was sitting next to her! What could be the reason she would do this? She just started to paint me white... .

[BuildingFromScratch]

She did, at the end of our relationship, when she ran off with the replacement. And I got angry that I was feeding her while he was sleeping with her. But I didn't actually get jealous or mad at him. I'm just not a jealous person, jealousy is about feelings of inferiority, not pain.

[freedom33]

They will use anything that can be used as a bait. And they can smell your weaknesses. At the honeymoon phase I was getting jealous and she noticed it and started flirting with guys sometimes in front of me to 'punish me' when she didnt get what she wanted. I used to get furious but not show it. After a few months I got over it and she stopped doing it. The upside of being in rs with a BPD is that they dig up and bring up all your insecurities up. Even things you didnt know you had. Then you can work with them. That is their only useful benefit. In some ways they can be great therapists.

[letmeout]

Mine never did it to try to make me jealous, he did it because he could never control himself from coming onto other women, even my friends, even right in front of me.

I believe he did it to try to feed his OCD narcissistic needs.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines are terrified of abandonment, it's the core of the disorder, and will do anything to avoid it.  An attachment is an attachment, and if a borderline is wondering whether or not an attachment still exists, or how strong it is (read: am I going to be abandoned?), they will test it.  Mentioning other men when you're in earshot could be a test, you decide, and if it was she was scrutinizing your reaction very closely to see if it affected you emotionally, and if it did, there's still an attachment in place.

It can seem malicious, but when we realize that the disorder is a living hell, believing that you will be abandoned and being terrified of it full time, it's hard to think about anything but that, and test it constantly.

So what are you going to do now?

[Take2]

Often.  We work together and despite not being "together" for a long time he has felt the need to show me pictures of women he was meeting and dating online.

Truly cruel behavior.   What else is new.

[Bak86]

Borderlines are terrified of abandonment, it's the core of the disorder, and will do anything to avoid it.  An attachment is an attachment, and if a borderline is wondering whether or not an attachment still exists, or how strong it is (read: am I going to be abandoned?), they will test it.  Mentioning other men when you're in earshot could be a test, you decide, and if it was she was scrutinizing your reaction very closely to see if it affected you emotionally, and if it did, there's still an attachment in place.

It can seem malicious, but when we realize that the disorder is a living hell, believing that you will be abandoned and being terrified of it full time, it's hard to think about anything but that, and test it constantly.

So what are you going to do now?

Well a week ago she wouldn't even look me in the eye, talk to me etc. And since monday she's trying to talk to me again, being nice to me and apparently trying to make me jealous. It's all so confusing. Last time she was nice to me, was about 2 months ago and then i tried to get her back(didn't know about BPD back then), she said i wasn't the one and she was just being nice to me. I do want her back, but i simply don't know how to act anymore. Should i wait for her to ask me out or does she want me to chase her again? I basically ignored her for a month btw.

[workinprogress]

Borderlines are terrified of abandonment, it's the core of the disorder, and will do anything to avoid it.  An attachment is an attachment, and if a borderline is wondering whether or not an attachment still exists, or how strong it is (read: am I going to be abandoned?), they will test it.  Mentioning other men when you're in earshot could be a test, you decide, and if it was she was scrutinizing your reaction very closely to see if it affected you emotionally, and if it did, there's still an attachment in place.

It can seem malicious, but when we realize that the disorder is a living hell, believing that you will be abandoned and being terrified of it full time, it's hard to think about anything but that, and test it constantly.

So what are you going to do now?

Well a week ago she wouldn't even look me in the eye, talk to me etc. And since monday she's trying to talk to me again, being nice to me and apparently trying to make me jealous. It's all so confusing. Last time she was nice to me, was about 2 months ago and then i tried to get her back(didn't know about BPD back then), she said i wasn't the one and she was just being nice to me. I do want her back, but i simply don't know how to act anymore. Should i wait for her to ask me out or does she want me to chase her again? I basically ignored her for a month btw.

Here in lies many of our problems.  Don't try to act in a way that will please her.  Be yourself!

If you want her, be yourself and pursue her in your own way, not in ways that you think she will like.  Either she loves who you are or she doesn't.

I've learned to quit wasting time not being who I am and trying to please others.

If you become yourself, chances are you will leave.

[Traumatized]

ALL... .THE... .TIME!  It's all part of the triangulation process so they can feel better about themselves.

[freedom33]

With regards to what I said about baiting - Here's a funny example of jealousy being used as a tool. xBPDgf is telling me this story... .that a workmate of ours (we were working for the same company at the time) saw her talking to this new guy in the office kithen and our workmate went over to her and said 'what's going on Jenni (my ex)? Aren't you getting any? I thought Dave (that's me) was an animal in bed?'

Yes... .and SHE is telling me this story.

By that time I got used to not take the jealousy bait and not asking silly reasonable questions like 'why is she telling me this?'.

So I didn't say anything in response to this sotry and then she started talking bad about our workmate and how could he say something so embarassing to her in front of this other guy? What was has he thinking? That she was flirting? She wasn't... .she was just trying to be friendly because the guy was by himself and all the drama that ensued... .

It was a nice day and we were going for a walk so I just wanted some peace. I wasn't going to get angry about her flirting (and making me look bad at work at the same time). I swallowed it and at the same time I started consolating her saying things like don't worry about it, he doesn't know you, how you are etc etc. he misunderstood your good intentions etc... .

And then what do you think happened?

Then SHE gets paranoid and jealous and says 'and how does he know that you are an animal in bed?' why did he say that? do you have a reputation? etc etc. I am like I have no clue why he said that sometimes people make things up like that to wind other people uo. In fact this workmate of ours was a bit like that - a bit of a joker.

Moral of the story? Jealousy/fear of abandonment is a big part of BPD and you can't win with them when that kicks in whatever your reaction to problems might be.

At any rate - I hope you found my story amusing.