No amiability goes unpunished...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

It's so disheartening, and exhausting, the constant batter. It truly is like warfare and being under seige.

I capitulated on having the kids go to S2BX's school district because my school district started while the kids were in her custody.  And I do not want my children to miss out on their first day of school.  (Consolation, her school district at least has a full day kindergarten, that's a slight plus.)  But it means me adding 40 minutes onto my daily commute.

My S2BX wants to cease every-other-week custody now that school is starting.  The thing that aggravating is their bat **** crazy logic.

Well, I never agreed to X.  And unless I agree, you can't do it.  But when you point out that you've never agreed to their choices, and on what basis they feel they have the right to dictate.  Ugh... .just an insane mess.  And of course, you can't put them in their place. You're not allowed to tell them that they're !@#$ crazy, they're mentally ill, and they need serious medical help. Nope... .that's not allowed.

Just have to grunt and bear it.  So this week will get interesting when she inists on picking up the children. And I refuse... .she'll blow a gasket, as this is the first week of school. Oh well, daddy will be dropping them off at school this week.

But it's their BPD logic that is so aggravating... .

(it'll be a lot easier once we have a court order, and hopefully I can manage to prevent her outward charismatic nature, lies and crocodile tears from winning over the judge)

*sighs*

The frustrating thing is this didn't have to happen this way. I tried so hard to be amiable. And the result... .every step of the way was to be hit from behind. And yet, she posts on Facebook slanderous and insinuating statements as to how I'm the one that is unwilling to compromise.

*facepalm*

[AlonelyOne]

 

It's so disheartening, and exhausting, the constant batter. It truly is like warfare and being under seige.

I capitulated on having the kids go to S2BX's school district because my school district started while the kids were in her custody.  And I do not want my children to miss out on their first day of school.  (Consolation, her school district at least has a full day kindergarten, that's a slight plus.)  But it means me adding 40 minutes onto my daily commute.

My S2BX wants to cease every-other-week custody now that school is starting.  The thing that aggravating is their bat **** crazy logic.

Well, I never agreed to X.  And unless I agree, you can't do it.  But when you point out that you've never agreed to their choices, and on what basis they feel they have the right to dictate.  Ugh... .just an insane mess.  And of course, you can't put them in their place. You're not allowed to tell them that they're !@#$ crazy, they're mentally ill, and they need serious medical help. Nope... .that's not allowed.

Just have to grunt and bear it.  So this week will get interesting when she inists on picking up the children. And I refuse... .she'll blow a gasket, as this is the first week of school. Oh well, daddy will be dropping them off at school this week.

But it's their BPD logic that is so aggravating... .

(it'll be a lot easier once we have a court order, and hopefully I can manage to prevent her outward charismatic nature, lies and crocodile tears from winning over the judge)

*sighs*

The frustrating thing is this didn't have to happen this way. I tried so hard to be amiable. And the result... .every step of the way was to be hit from behind. And yet, she posts on Facebook slanderous and insinuating statements as to how I'm the one that is unwilling to compromise.

*facepalm*

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, we make some of our worst mistakes trying - and failing - to appease the PD.  Lesson learned, we all had incident that taught us why firm boundaries are crucial and not to expect your cooperation to change how we're treated (known as lack of reciprocity).

Who is Residential Parent for School Purposes?  The court order ought to state that.  Then follow the order.  Did the children attend your school last year?  Did you put anything in writing?  If she's not cooperative real quick and you have Court Authority, then bring them back to your school.

How did the school let them get registered there at the last minute?

In looking at your recent posts you may not have temporary orders yet.  This may be bad, if they're in her school area or her school district when you go to court the judge may default to assigning her as Residential Parent. :'(  Do you have a strategy?

In my case, my ex had temp custody.  When heading to trial her school had said they had no current issues, they had "resolved" prior incidents.  Translation, they didn't want to get involved.  (But the teacher volunteered to testify, after some incidents mother was prohibited from coming to her classroom while I was welcomed to volunteer there!)  But ex wanted to settle on Trial Day and my primary condition was that I had to be RP.  School was willing to let my son finish kindergarten there but with only 5 weeks remaining to the school year, she had pick up incidents (just like you fear) and The School Board gave me one day to register him in my school.  For me, being the RP made all the difference to the school.  If she were RP then they would have suffered with her.  But once I was RP, they were willing to kick her/us out.

[AlonelyOne]

"Who is Residential Parent for School Purposes?  The court order ought to state that."

We do not have a court order. Our first conciliation would have been this week, but her lawyer was out-of-town. So it's been pushed back.

The kids are going to her school, largely because she had custody of the kids last week when they would of started at my school district.  (Consolation prize, at least her school has full day kindergarten which will be better for our son.)

":)id the children attend your school last year?"

This is the first year our kids are attending school. One kindergarten, and the other 2nd grade (prior was homeschooled).


"How did the school let them get registered there at the last minute?"

It's complicated, son was registered in mine months ago. Then she moved and registered both in her school district while I registered our daughter as well.


"This may be bad, if they're in her school area or her school district when you go to court the judge may default to assigning her as Residential Parent.   Do you have a strategy?"

If she is granted residential parent status, than it's going to be one miserable ride and a long fight. All I can hope is that the judge isn't dumb as !@#$, but I may be hoping too much. It hasn't been easy

=(

Yes, it is frightful... .

[ForeverDad]

As I wrote above, once my ex started creating scenes and incidents in school, they wanted her OUT.  If there are scenes at the school in her area and her school officials are sensible, they may support you changing to your schools.  While they are reluctant to get involved in family court, they may provide documentation stating she is creating scenes, obstructing your pick-ups, etc.  (It is appropriate to get police reports if she is obstructing your child pick-ups.  It is their job as professionals to respond to incidents and both resolve and/or document them.  Even if she's already departed, you can call them and they will come to have you report you were to get them but she took them instead.  They may only write up a report, but that's okay, it is documentation you need.  Without an order in hand stating what is the court's order they won't do anything anyway.)

Another option... .If you move to the same school area you would then have an equal status with her at the school.  Doesn't mean the court would make you Residential Parent, but it would make it less likely that she could convince the court to reduce your current equal time to the typical alternate weekends reserved for dads.  While courts generally don't like to make big changes to the children's lives, there are no guarantees.  Knowing our ex-spouses, it could trigger a ridiculous claim that we're 'unstable' because we had just moved.

I wish you would have brought this issue up to us before you gave in so we could have (maybe) brainstormed some strategies before they went there.  So going forward don't hesitate to present us with issues as they arise.  We've been there, done that.  Quite often we have a range of options and who knows what might work for you.

[AlonelyOne]

I got hit with a lot of crud all at once.

- I lost my four day work weeks do to new work responsibilities.

- The before/after care program for my school informed me they did not have kindergarten due to a lack of enrollment.

- Realized the start of my school week was during wife's custody, and she had no intention of sending them.

- Consolation: her district has before/after care and full-day kindergarten.

Ironically, the start of her school district was during my week. She exclaimed that I could not have the kids during school time, to which I rejected her assertion.  Was than accused of refusing her access to her kids. To which I said, this is my week, so I am not refusing her access. And she can't go demanding access anytime she wants. It was 8pm and the kids were already in bed for their first day of school the next morning.

She exclaimed that she had not agreed to my keeping the kids this week. I retorted that I had not agreed to her taking the kids this week.  And I think she finally unhappily accepted that she'd lost that battle.  As I received a slew of emails.  Exclaimations. Criticisms. And being told that I don't want to take care of my kids. (Because I'm disputing her earnings/earnings potential.) She can make nearly as much as me if she so choose (and worked 40 hours). 

But I strongly suspect that she has been avoiding work the past couple weeks in order to reduce the pay on her pay stubs.  I know she re-financed our minivan (which apparently doesn't require my okay).  So I am going to challenge what info she provided to the bank as her income. I bet she used those weeks where she was working full time.  And that if she did, then that should be the basis of her income assessment. (Or should the bank be informed regarding a fraudulent loan application?)

[catnap]

But I strongly suspect that she has been avoiding work the past couple weeks in order to reduce the pay on her pay stubs.  I know she re-financed our minivan (which apparently doesn't require my okay).  So I am going to challenge what info she provided to the bank as her income. I bet she used those weeks where she was working full time.  And that if she did, then that should be the basis of her income assessment. (Or should the bank be informed regarding a fraudulent loan application?)

Is there a way you could quietly get the re-finance paperwork from the bank?  I am assuming the minivan is in both of your names. 

The bank may not care what her income is now, if the payments are being made on time.  However, if she forged your signature. . .that might be another matter.  Once you have the paperwork I would discuss with your attorney.  Wouldn't her pay stub show YTD (year to date earnings)? 

[ForeverDad]

My ex never provided her earnings to family court, I didn't press it because she wasn't earning much.  She was always 'imputed' with minimum wage, that is, until I got majority time and it looked like I might get child support, then the magistrate declined to set child support because the court didn't have financials.

There was a case in CA where a doctor quit and started flipping burgers to reduce or avoid child support.  Didn't work, the court wasn't pleased and imputed his income to be what he could earn.

[AlonelyOne]

I don't believe she forged my name. It's not necessary to refinance.  Refinancing doesn't actually change ownership, just puts the obligation of the debt solely into the refinancer's name.

That said, I do believe it is a crime to fraudulently represent your income on a loan application.


I've got net income figures from 2013, that show her bringing in nearly as much, and even substantially more than I did during a few months in which she worked full time.

And I am pointing to her low income for the start of the year because she resigned her position. And I am making the claim that she did so, with the full knowledge of what she had planned.

I've also had some insight in that she was working lots of day prior to the refinance, but then afterwards as the support hearing approached my kids mentioned only going to a sitter for one day. Um... .ya... .income manipulation?

I also know that she is working on her certs, and passed her exam, to get an automatic raise from work. 

So frankly, if the magistrate refuses to accept ANY of these facts. Well, then frankly, I think I'll bankrupt myself suing the state on gender inequality.(Which IS illegal in PA.)

In my case, my wife can easily earn $60K.  So I'm fighting to have her wages imputed at that or higher.

[david]

My xBPDw forged my name on the back of several checks right before she left. She then deposited the checks in a joint account. As soon as they cleared she emptied out the account. The signatures looked nothing like my signature. The amount was a little under $10,000. The courts didn't do a thing about it. Fighting the system costs money, close to the amount she stole, and I decided it wasn't worth the effort.

The banks would be more interested in the loan application since that id how they determine what they are willing to do. Businesses follow the rules much better than the court system.

[AlonelyOne]

Yes, the general gist that I seem to get based on experiences with the court is that those who flaunt, lie, and engage in fraudulent behavior are rarely ever punished for it until long long after.

I know it's going to be fun, as my S2BX wants half the value of assets, half my 401K, and yet took over $10,000 in known savings and I suspect hid away another $15K-$20K over the prior two years.

And I wager, I'll have to fight to keep what assets are in my possession, fight not to have all the debts imputed to me, and really fight (ie: spend lots of money) to impute the funds she took against her.

No, it's not an easy situation... .