Hello Psam,
I'd like to join DreamFlyer99 in welcoming you to our family. I personally understand the struggles and emotions you have about your son (DS27). My DD17 suffers with BPD as well, and life is a roller coaster of emotion every day. Sometimes, I'm able to laugh at the absurdity of it all, other days, I feel at the depths of despair. And I experience various levels of frustration every day. You are NOT alone! I am glad you found us, though I'm sorry it was your son's BPD that brought you here.
DreamFlyer99 has already given you a couple of great links to get you started here. This site has a lot of very helpful, up-to-date information about BPD. There are tools, lessons, videos, books, and articles all available here, and at your disposal. The message board she mentioned is just for us parents, and I know you'll find it very validating and helpful. I do hope you'll join us there, as it is a great place to feel heard and validated by other parents who are dealing with similar issues.
My DD17 is like your son in that she doesn't use drugs or alcohol either, at least for now. We can count our blessings about that, believe me! And she does have several other maladaptive behaviors that block her success. Like your DS, my DD cannot take responsibility for the problems she creates in her life. She has incredibly volatile relationships with everyone, and her "reality" seems to come from some other planet. One of my biggest frustrations with her is finding out she has twisted a conversation we had where she completely misunderstood what I was saying. Sometimes, I start to question my own sanity because it happens with her so often. But she is the only one in my life with whom I have this issue, so I have come to learn it really isn't me, it is the BPD. And it helps to come here and get validation and a reality check from the other parents on the "parenting board." So, I do hope you'll join us when you have a moment.
The more you share with us, the more we can help you.
I'm glad you found us. There is hope that things can get better.