When there is a genuine conflict with a BPD, failing to validate your feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

With my BPDw, it's as if my feelings never count at all.  She will never validate my feelings when there is a conflict between my feelings and hers even if I validate hers perfectly.  That's very frustrating.

[startrekuser]

With my BPDw, it's as if my feelings never count at all.  She will never validate my feelings when there is a conflict between my feelings and hers even if I validate hers perfectly.  That's very frustrating.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mstnghu]

With my BPDw, it's as if my feelings never count at all.  She will never validate my feelings when there is a conflict between my feelings and hers even if I validate hers perfectly.  That's very frustrating.

I can completely relate. In my relationship with my wife, she always has an opinion/feeling (often times totally irrational) about pretty much everything. If I voice my opinion about something, it's completely irrelevant to her. She couldn't care less about what I think.

Just as a very minor example- I've always been very particular about how I take care of my cars. I keep them immaculate as far as cleanliness and overall maintenance goes. It's not something I'm going to change. Almost every time my wife drives my car, she eats in it or at least leaves trash in it when she's done driving it. She's also had two parking lot fender benders in the last 6 months when driving my car. I've talked to her many times about her lack of respect for my car. It literally goes in one ear and out the other. She also loves to set her purse down on my trunk lid so she can go through it. The last time I washed my car I pointed out the numerous scratches in the finish because of her doing that. I got an earful for that. Yet, when it comes to anything that's important to her, I have to give it the utmost attention and care.

[willtimeheal]

With my BPDw, it's as if my feelings never count at all.  She will never validate my feelings when there is a conflict between my feelings and hers even if I validate hers perfectly.  That's very frustrating.

My feelings never count. I don't even think she listens when I speak. I can be in the middle of telling her something and she will just begin talking about something else.

[Marvis]

I don't like being interrupted when I'm speaking but my uBPDbf has a terrible tendency to do this to me. I know it stems from childhood issues on my part. I was never listened to as a kid, always interrupted.  He knows my issue with it and I swear he does it on purpose to get back at me sometimes.  We all have feelings that need validating and I know he can't do that for me but how do I validate my own feelings as well as his?

[123Phoebe]

We all have feelings that need validating and I know he can't do that for me but how do I validate my own feelings as well as his?

We can validate ourselves by backing it up with boundaries in some cases; not allowing ourselves to be in an invalidating environment for very long, choosing a better path.  We can validate our partners by accepting them and letting them have their own feelings, not trying to argue them out of them, escalating matters.

[Verbena]

I am here because my DD29 is BPD, but my husband has serious anger issues and is unbelievably negative and miserable to be around.  Last Wednesday was my birthday, and he NEVER MENTIONED IT.  He had bought me an ipad the week before saying it was for my birthday and our anniversary, which he also NEVER MENTIONED on the actual day.  

When I turned 50 four years ago, he completely ignored that birthday too.  I was very angry about that and told him so.  When I told him how hurtful it was this year that he didn't even bother to say happy birthday, his response was "I bought you an ipad last week."  He does not get it.  He finally said, "well happy birthday" in a nasty way after I told him what I thought about him ignoring me.  Thanks a lot.  He also NEVER pays me a compliment, on anything.  He would rather stick pins in his eyes than say something nice.  

So as far as validating my feelings, no he doesn't.  He has no insight into his own behavior so  how could he? 

[empathic]

My wife usually disregard my feelings as being nonsense. I don't see that changing, unless she goes to some kind of therapy. Sometimes it has gotten quite ridiculous - I used to tell her some of my fears before (not anymore) and she'd respond with "you really need to get some professional help to deal with that!". Yet, she told me something she was afraid of the other day, expected validation, and got it from me. I know I shouldn't expect things like fairness from this relationship, but I can't help myself, it's like my brain automatically makes the connection.