Complexes

[workinprogress]

What kind of complexes do you have now as a result of your relationship with your BPD?

I was a strong (muscular) guy when I met my wife.  Today I noticed that I felt so small while walking around.  I am 6' tall and weight 214 pounds, most of which is muscle.  Yet, I felt some damn frail!

For years my wife always speaks so admirably of men who are tall.  "He's tall!"  "His kids will be tall!"  Never mind that one of our sons is 6'4.

She has also been critical of my salary over the years.  I'm not rich, but I do okay.  Sometimes it takes my coworkers saying, "man, we make good money."  She has always spoke highly of doctors, lawyers and so forth.

Both my wife and my mother in law say things about marrying a rich doctor and so on.

Now when I see a doctor, I feel somehow inferior.

I hate it!

I was (am) a well-respected man! 

I feel like I am crumbling bit by bit, though. :'(

I think I have to get out of this marriage soon.

I need to sell the house, separate our money, and move on before I deteriorate anymore!

[fromheeltoheal]

To me it's a matter of self-validation.  I was feeling alright about myself when my ex showed up, went to the moon during the idealization phase, and then crashed and burned as she devalued me, invalidating is what it was.  So it's been a while since I left her, and I've rediscovered we're who we say we are, learned to self-validate again, better now.  

I've also had to look at my tendency to listen to what other people say about me, look for external validation.  Self-validation is great, and external validation is what friends are for, but I have a tendency to put too much weight on that external validation, or invalidation, especially when it's a romantic relationship (I use the term loosely regarding her).  That's a big one for me; maintaining boundaries while being in an intimate relationship; where do I stop and she starts?  And of course during the honeymoon stage I let my boundaries drop, since it felt right, felt really good, until it didn't.  How do i not do that with future partners?  Pick healthier ones to start, and then take it slowly.  Stumbling towards ecstasy... .

[Blimblam]

The wound to the ego is felt phisically. You are not your ego. The ego is just a construct to interface with the material world.  Feel your  . Just feel all if it surrender to it.

[workinprogress]

Thanks FTH and BB.

I am trying not to base my own self worth on other people's perceptions of me.  I realize that I've done that my whole life.

My wife really inspired me to attempt great things in life.

I can see now that she encouraged me early on for her own image.

When my success didn't come fast enough I was devalued.  That is the bottom line. 

My wife and kids were my reason for living.  I gave everything I had to all of them.  I still give nearly everything to them.  I do take more time for myself now to try and get myself healed up.

I am learning to love myself for who I am.  It is a process.