BPD relationships

[mitchell16]

i know what stage im at cause ive been here many time with exBPDgf. IM at teh question stage if wondering what I could have done diffrent, which I know nothing cause I tried most everything. But one thing i never did try completley was being a doormat for her. What that have worked? I have gave into her on many occasions, let her rage without saying anything back or arguing but I never could lay down all the way. I would take all I could and then i would eiterh leave or argue back. which I know me leaving only kicked her abdonment fears. BUt what if I ha dnever stood my ground just gave into her would that made it worked. Not that I could ever live that way. But this is more a curious type question. this may have been covered before I juust dont remmeber it.

[Infern0]

It might have "worked" in terms of her keeping you around longer and using you. Every now and then her wants and needs might have aligned with yours and you would get something out of it but never anything real. If you aren't in idealisation phase then nothing you want matters and even if you are then they only give you what you want as a manipulation tactic and never true affection or just wanting to do something nice.

[bewildered2]

if she has BPD then the problem is her, not you.

and there is nothing you could have done to make it work out well. it just can't happen with these types. that's BPD for you.

b2

[fromheeltoheal]

My experience is she would have less and less respect for you and treat you worse and worse.  I tried it for a while, got sick of it, started giving her back the same sht she gave me, and the relationship ended immediately.  A borderline can't form an equal partnership, that requires your own 'self', so it's either be under you or over you, and under you she would crumble, so over you it is, for as long as you'll put up with it.  That's a queen borderline mind you, other types use other tactics.

But the big question is why would you consider it?  Doesn't sound like you went too far down the rabbit hole, but morphing into something she 'might' like on a good day is what we do in these relationships, and why?  Caught blindsided by dysfunction, sure, but the whole 'getting lost' in it thing has been a profound area of growth for me; boundaries, respect, trust, honesty, you know, the way it's supposed to be... .

[mitchell16]

fromheeltoheal, I wouldnt want it. I couldnt sell out like that, that why we had so much conflict. I never felt like I was equal. I never had equal say or allowed to have a bad day or feeel bad or anything normal human emotions. Now of  course she could. she could pull out an excuse for bad behavior so fast make your head spin.

I knew deep down I never could exist in tah type of relationhip. I believe in being fair and I believe in being equals. Somedays you give ,some days you take.

I was just wondering i am the stage of nc where im starting to question myself, having regrets and I have to remind myself of all teh bad thing she and also that no matter what I did the relationship could not survive.

[michel71]

How long were you two together?

[freedom33]

I was just wondering i am the stage of nc where im starting to question myself, having regrets and I have to remind myself of all teh bad thing she and also that no matter what I did the relationship could not survive.

Make a list! I had a few lists at the start. Now when my mind wonders about in dangerous territory I pick up from one of the most traumatic experiences, plenty of choice there, and dispell the witch.

Also about standing your ground the real question you should ask yourself is if you never stood your ground and just gave into her would that made it worked for you?

My experience with this is the few times that I gave in and let her treat me like a doormat are actually torturing me right now and feel additional self-loathing for betraying myself. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

[mitchell16]

we were togther for a little over 3 years. I did stand my ground which only resulted in her, calling me abusive, controlling and then a break up. 3 or 4 weeks of silence or her late night texting me, begging for us back together, promises of not to let it happen again, she seen where she went wrong. we recycled and then a few weeks later started again. This break came about cause she lied and I stood my ground.

[Recooperating]

My mantra here: You cant fix what you didnt break!

Man Ive tried! Sent him to T., read the walking on eggshells crap, the family guide and another book. Did all the suggested exersizes and methods... .Let him rant and didnt listen to it, set boundaries, had numerous and numerous talks. Was the doormat even... .DIDNT HELP!

The ranting, raging, manipulations and lies went on and on and on! I couldnt take it no more! I had totally given all of myself till there was nothing left but a nervous wreck of a woman. It just doesnt work.

The only way to get off the crazy train, is to get off the crazy train and walk towards your own sanity!

Maybe they can get better, but they have to want to and then it still takes years of T.

[patientandclear]

It might work well -- for her. But the pattern seems to be that if you pass one test (lying, distancing, other flirtations or infidelity) there are others, because pwBPD don't tend to come to rest after you've "proven" your loyalty.

I've struggled with this same idea. Eventually though these tests become something that I wouldn't recognize myself if I stayed with someone who engaged in them. Sounds like you know that is true of you too. So that makes the question irrelevant, because we choose not to be that person, even it it would have "worked." In the sense that we could have stayed together albeit tumultuously.

I watched my ex adhere to two women who basically accepted him unconditionally or nearly unconditionally after me. The idea you're struggling with now tortured me. With one of these two women however, eventually her core values that he had known from the very start became an unacceptable condition restraining him and he broke free. With the other, despite her repeated unconditional acceptance, he kept leaving her and destroying her emotionally, till I stopped watching. She would take him back though ... .It sure was working for him. I just realized I could never live that way, not giving up my core values just to stay with him. The fact that I was so tempted to try is an indicator of addiction, not love.

[mitchell16]

thanks that all great advice and observation. Thats about what I came to, that no matter what i did nothing changed. In otherwards once I learned teh rules of the game, the rules would change without warninig. and No i could be a total doormat. I did sell out myself from time to time. I thought I was being supportive and helping her with her issues per her own diagnoses, her abondement fears, relationship issues etc. that she said she had. But even when I handled our arguments in the manner she suggested such as go to another oom for a cool down period instead of leaving. she would still have a  melt down. It wa slike no matter what she was goiing to find fault in the no matter what I did.

Like Ive said ive been here at this stage before and I have worked through it before. But it helps hearing it from other people. kind of a reminder that no matter what I couldnt make it work.