On Codependency...

[freedom33]

I hear a lot of us in this forum talking about our codependency issues. While in extreme cases it can be an issue I don't think codependeny is such a huge issue as we sometimes make of.

I recently read that codependency was proposed for inclusion in DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and rejected because there are so many symptoms almost anyone could be diagnosed with codependency.

Also the following I just read is really interesting.

The way that we bond to our mates is a profound puzzle. We are only starting to understand what happens inside the chemistry of our brains and bodies as we couple up and the two become one. What we do know is that in this mysterious bonding, we actually start to physically operate as one biological organism. “Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the levels of hormones in our blood.”

As we bond with our partners, through intertwining our lives, having children together and creating memories, we become more and more interdependent with one another. This is not codependency. This is healthy, normal, mutual dependency. It is what makes relationships beautiful and sought after. We all want this special someone to attach to and intermingle our lives with. In fact, attachment researchers talk about the paradox of attachment, “The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”

I can attest to that!

So the better our relationships are in terms of providing us with a sense of, “I can depend on you” the more we are able to move fully into the rest of our lives, face insecurity and take risks. In this way our relationships provide us with a secure base from which we operate.

If it is true that when we attach to someone healthy and functional, it feels good and provides a sense of security, grounding, safety and wholeness, then the opposite is also true.  When that attachment is breached or damaged it can affect our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in teeth-rattling ways. Instead of grounding us, it puts us in free fall. Instead of security we experience fear. Because our partner has caused us such deep pain, they now feel like a threat to our well-being rather than a source of comfort and rest.  Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples says that betrayal traumas, “overwhelm coping capacities and define the…relationship, as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress.”

When that special someone that we have bonded with betrays us it messes us up because all of a sudden the person who is our ‘secure base’ in the world has caused us untold pain and robbed us of our sense of safety.

I think that is what happened to most of us here. There isn't necessarily something pathological here. We trusted too soon, each one of us for different reasons wanted to believe (e.g. recent break-up, loneliness or some other form of vulnerability) although red flags were there, became addicted in the idealisation stage and then we got betrayed. This is a tremendous shock that causes people's basic primal fears to be re-activated.  This is the worse type of trauma that one can withstand. We are all survivors! Give yourselves a pat in the back and feel proud. Only strong people can come out from something as brutal as this.  And we will come out even stronger.