Always On Guard. Always.

[FreedomReigns]

For those who have been on this board as long as I have, you remember me and my circumstances with the death of my husband and the shenanigans of my xMIL, xSIL, and xFIL, as well as one cousin who became so overbearing that I went completely NC with her and her uBPD husband, along with that cousin’s sister and father, who detested my husband and made no efforts to hide that hatred.

Well, xMIL died in 2012. I moved back to the town I left four years ago following the death of my own mother one month later.

Suffice it to say that my relationship with xSIL and xFIL is “casual,” for lack of a better word. I had thought she was nothing like her mother, and I decided to allow her to get to know her four nieces as they grow up. But that relationship is very limited. I still call the shots as to when, where, and what circumstances she sees them. As a result, she knows not to cross me.

Unfortunately, since my oldest daughter is away at college and not here to watch her three younger sisters whenever I am out of town, I have to rely on family. I usually stick to my own sister, who never really got the chance to know her nieces the way xSIL did because every time I tried to get close to my family, xMIL almost always sabotaged my plans. Fortunately for me, my sister is forgiving. 

I am going out of town, with D15 and D16 this weekend for a family reunion. D12 doesn’t want to go. She has a very important soccer game, as well as a birthday party she wants to attend. No one in my family is her age, and last year when she went, she had a miserable time. I was going to ask my sister (who is not going to the reunion) to watch her, but my sister got injured during a hiking trip last weekend and hyper-extended her knee and twisted her ankle. So she’s out. I have had no choice but to ask xSIL the favor, of which, she was almost too eager to accept.

When I emailed her and asked, she replied, “I can watch D12 and Rocky [our dog]. Maybe this Saturday, the 6th,  or whatever day and time works for you before you, D16, and D15 leave for [town], I could meet you at your house and you can let me know what’s what? Such as the times and locations for the birthday party, soccer game and such.” 

Ugh, I can’t  believe I fell for this hook, line, and sinker AGAIN! We are not leaving until Friday, the 12th, so why does she need to come over before then? She’s stayed here before and knows everything there is to know. She can find out about the birthday party the day she comes over, as well as the soccer game. 

Different from her mother? I guess not.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she is here to “snoop” just like her mother did.  This morning, I woke up and began to frantically clean my room. Why? Because it is exactly how I used to act when xMIL came over. When DH died and she came to the house, she and xFIL stayed in our room, slept in our bed. She then went through DH’s vanity and began divvying out his trinkets to my daughters, who have since lost those trinkets. She even went so far as to ask my daughter which of them wanted DH’s Precious Moments Lion. Thankfully, I have it in my possession, but I have had to hide it from her on numerous occasions. I found myself hiding it this morning. Then I got to thinking. THIS is exactly how they used to control me! By making me paranoid about the little things.

I am so beyond that right now. I will not, ever let those people control me again. So, instead of cleaning my room like a mad woman, I simply closed the door and instructed my daughters to leave it shut. xSIL has no business in that room . . . today. I will clean my room, one day at a time, this week, before she gets here on Friday. But today?  I don’t HAVE to clean it because she has NO BUSINESS even going inside it! She will most likely sleep in D16’s bed, but Idk where xFIL will sleep. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. He can’t be left alone because he won’t fix himself anything to eat. His health is deteriorating fast. It’s only a matter of time before he joins his wife. Then where will xSIL be? Not as close to me as she’d like. She ruined that chance years ago. Oh, she may try to force hug me the way her mother did and make pretend everything is forgiven and hunky dory. But, just like 9/11, I will always remember. Always.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, FreedomReigns,

It is good to hear from you. It sounds like you are feeling triggered. It helps me to remember Wise Mind in situations like this. You are in control of your home and your boundaries, and it sounds like you remembered that when you decided to close your door. How else are you looking after yourself?

I have a child about the same age as your D12. I have found that the families of his friends and teammates are often willing to help if he needs a ride or a place to stay. That may be an option for you to consider if you think it would be a less stressful solution for you. You are in charge of how you feel.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[FreedomReigns]

You are in control of your home and your boundaries, and it sounds like you remembered that when you decided to close your door.

Yes, I did feel liberated after shutting the door like that. And xSIL and xFIL did not find any "excuses" to stray from the family room where we all convened and visited. 

However, when it came time for the birthday party xSIL asked to see the invitation. I never thought of trying to GPS or MapQuest the address, and she said she would do it, once again making me feel like an incompetent being, which her mother was very good at. Why do I let them cloud my actions?

[P.F.Change]

Why do I let them cloud my actions?

That is a good question. It's up to you whether you feel incompetent, regardless of what someone else says or does. What is your self-talk like? Where do you think you are in the Survivor's Guide?