Post fallout-When does the shock factor wear off?

[Hope0807]

So I'm NC and I've been out of my home for a couple months now (totally away from the BPDexh) and my divorce is almost final.  I work hard to recall the many years of utter confusion and disgust with his behavior and my deep sadness in wanting to feel connected in the way he made me feel in the beginning.  Without any idea of his "BPD" or secretive substance abuse, "I" threatened to leave.  I set boundaries and demanded respect in the midst of the lunacy that was unfolding.  I'm sure I would've been more careful about all that had I known about "BPD" while I was still in the relationship.  I'm hoping my resistance to all the nonsense was my inner strength saving me from falling deeply, hopelessly in love - but in the end (when he found another "supply source" he tossed me out like trash and put me through the cruelest, most horrid experiences of my life in a way that felt like a switch being flicked overnight.  Idealization to Devaluation - I learned it all after-the-fact.  Oh god!  The trauma and shock of it all is what I continue to struggle with.  My days now are mine for the sculpting.  There is tranquility so far from the intense chaos that I should be utterly grateful and enjoying myself.  So why I am struggling so much move past the shock and trauma of this all?  When does it start to feel better?  I'm functioning, but barely.  I'm a shell of who I was or should be.  If I can muster the ability to spend some time with a handful of people, I'm very uncomfortable being around anyone (that's not normally me) and I feel completely exhausted when I get home from spending time with others.  I'm guessing I should attribute this to a bit of depression - I'm trying to hold it together and keep moving forward. 

I also struggle with the lack of support.  People try to comfort me that have been through divorce and breakups, but the severity of having learned that your problems were largely attributed to dealing with a pwBPD and their secret drug addiction is not something you can easily turn to the person next to you sharing their own divorce story and tell them.  Most people have no clue.  More people just don't care.  It's not their hurt, it's mine…and I don't know when it's going to pass. 

How do you push past the paralyzing shock of the fallout?

[RisingSun]

Hello Hope,

I'm sorry you're going through this. No one deserves to be left carrying this heavy baggage when a relationship ends.

In healthy relationships, both partners leave carrying their fair share of responsibility. Not with PDs though. They just blame shift it all on you and move on.

We're dealing with similar feelings and situations. I'm here with you on this. The end of my marriage came with a shock that left me with major C-PTSD. The trauma that I went through when I found out my stbxw was involved with another man and the way she acted over the course of the last two months of our marriage, devastated me.

I've been NC for two and a half months now. I too ask myself when this trauma and pain will pass.

They've been the most challenging months of my life. It kills me that there will never be any proper closure. But I'm trying to accept this reality.

Being left for someone else just stabs you to the core. How can they do this so easily? How can they just walk away and leave us for dead? The way I was treated and the fear of being hurt more, has forced me to pretend she's dead. And, now I'm being haunted by her ghost 24/7.

I can barely function as well. I feel like a zombi. Completely emptied out. I can't seem to figure out what to do next in my life. Everything I once knew has been ripped out from under me. I feel alone, abandoned and confused. Stuck in this wandering state of depression. I think about going out with friends but can't seem to take the step very often. When I do finally get out it's a big challenge to stay engaged. When I get home it's back to the black hole I now call life.

No, people who haven't been in a s/r with someone PD'd will never understand. It's an uphill battle to try and get them on the same page when explaining the situation.

My therapist is the only one who gets it. Thank god for her.

I hope we both start to feel better and more in our power soon. We'll get there, it's just going to take some time.

 


I can totally relate with not feeling like being around other people. I feel like I'm carrying this heavy burden that weighs down my mind and hangs on my shoulders.  I was invited out tonight but am not at all feeling up for it. When I do go out I feel like a zombi. I have a hard time connecting with people.

[Popcorn71]

I think it was around the 4 month mark for me when the shock wore off a bit.  I was still affected greatly and I still am a year on, but there is a general improvement.

Don't expect too much too soon.  Things do get better - eventually.  

[Hope0807]

Thank you!  It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like a zombie around others and feels that life's joys have been stripped from me.  I also hope that the 4 month mark mentioned holds some weight, I've heard that elsewhere as well, but also realize I've got to do some grunt work to pull myself up again.  I'm headed to my weekly 12-step support group for loved ones affected by addiction.  I constantly wish this group was a "BPD" support group, but the healing principles carry over and I'm able to apply most of them to this process.  It's a little help:)

Hello Hope,

I'm sorry you're going through this. No one deserves to be left carrying this heavy baggage when a relationship ends.

In healthy relationships, both partners leave carrying their fair share of responsibility. Not with PDs though. They just blame shift it all on you and move on.

We're dealing with similar feelings and situations. I'm here with you on this. The end of my marriage came with a shock that left me with major C-PTSD. The trauma that I went through when I found out my stbxw was involved with another man and the way she acted over the course of the last two months of our marriage, devastated me.

I've been NC for two and a half months now. I too ask myself when this trauma and pain will pass.

They've been the most challenging months of my life. It kills me that there will never be any proper closure. But I'm trying to accept this reality.

Being left for someone else just stabs you to the core. How can they do this so easily? How can they just walk away and leave us for dead? The way I was treated and the fear of being hurt more, has forced me to pretend she's dead. And, now I'm being haunted by her ghost 24/7.

I can barely function as well. I feel like a zombi. Completely emptied out. I can't seem to figure out what to do next in my life. Everything I once knew has been ripped out from under me. I feel alone, abandoned and confused. Stuck in this wandering state of depression. I think about going out with friends but can't seem to take the step very often. When I do finally get out it's a big challenge to stay engaged. When I get home it's back to the black hole I now call life.

No, people who haven't been in a s/r with someone PD'd will never understand. It's an uphill battle to try and get them on the same page when explaining the situation.

My therapist is the only one who gets it. Thank god for her.

I hope we both start to feel better and more in our power soon. We'll get there, it's just going to take some time.

 


I can totally relate with not feeling like being around other people. I feel like I'm carrying this heavy burden that weighs down my mind and hangs on my shoulders.  I was invited out tonight but am not at all feeling up for it. When I do go out I feel like a zombi. I have a hard time connecting with people.

I think it was around the 4 month mark for me when the shock wore off a bit.  I was still affected greatly and I still am a year on, but there is a general improvement.

Don't expect too much too soon.  Things do get better - eventually.  

[going places]

So I'm NC and I've been out of my home for a couple months now (totally away from the BPDexh) and my divorce is almost final.  I work hard to recall the many years of utter confusion and disgust with his behavior and my deep sadness in wanting to feel connected in the way he made me feel in the beginning.  Without any idea of his "BPD" or secretive substance abuse, "I" threatened to leave.  I set boundaries and demanded respect in the midst of the lunacy that was unfolding.  I'm sure I would've been more careful about all that had I known about "BPD" while I was still in the relationship.  I'm hoping my resistance to all the nonsense was my inner strength saving me from falling deeply, hopelessly in love - but in the end (when he found another "supply source" he tossed me out like trash and put me through the cruelest, most horrid experiences of my life in a way that felt like a switch being flicked overnight.  Idealization to Devaluation - I learned it all after-the-fact.  Oh god!  The trauma and shock of it all is what I continue to struggle with.  My days now are mine for the sculpting.  There is tranquility so far from the intense chaos that I should be utterly grateful and enjoying myself.  So why I am struggling so much move past the shock and trauma of this all?  When does it start to feel better?

In Aug 2011, what I thought was real was revealed to be a lie.

I was blind sided.

Adultery and addiction.

Right under my nose, and I had NO, ZERO idea.

Not one red flag.

I clung to 'the old times ---- the good times' and tried to put this broken marriage back together.

Thing is, when you pick up shards of glass and try to piece the vase back together?

You end up cutting yourself, and the vase, is never the same... .

6 months ago, I had had enough.

I filed for divorce.

July 8, I threw him out.

I have been 'gun in mouth' low, and 'mountain top' high... .sometimes in the same week.

The less I talk to him (blocked him from my phone, he can only contact me via email) the better off I am. The more 'good days' I string together.

For the longest time I blamed "me" for being blind, stupid, gulible, trusting.

Then I blamed him for being... .good for nothing.

I am now in the phase of just letting it go, and looking forward.

Looking back is never good. Ever.

There were no 'good times'... .just smoke and mirrors, lies upon lies.

I need to focus on MAKING good times moving forward!

I'm functioning, but barely.  I'm a shell of who I was or should be.  If I can muster the ability to spend some time with a handful of people, I'm very uncomfortable being around anyone (that's not normally me) and I feel completely exhausted when I get home from spending time with others.  I'm guessing I should attribute this to a bit of depression - I'm trying to hold it together and keep moving forward. 

Depression will suck the soul out of you.

Whether you feel like it or now... .stay around friends and family that are supportive. DO fun things, find things you enjoy... .and do them. Take your focus off the negative, and zone in on positive things.

I also struggle with the lack of support.  People try to comfort me that have been through divorce and breakups, but the severity of having learned that your problems were largely attributed to dealing with a pwBPD and their secret drug addiction is not something you can easily turn to the person next to you sharing their own divorce story and tell them.  Most people have no clue.  More people just don't care.  It's not their hurt, it's mine…and I don't know when it's going to pass. 

How do you push past the paralyzing shock of the fallout?

Some days I don't.

Some days, I just lay on the couch.

I hate those days.

I try SO hard to give myself 5 things a day to do... .that are future focused, not past focused.

I don't even try to 'understand or care' about ex's issues.

They are his. He will reap what he has sown.

The less I think about him and his issues, the better off I am.

If I didn't have to work so much and get this house ready for sale? I'd be volunteering for the Red Cross.

It took me from Aug 2011 until April 2014 to get past the 'shock-trauma' of the whole mess.

It left me with PTSD and Depression... .which will not rule me.

It will absolutely not rule me.

There is too much life to live to let someone else's sickness rule me.

[Hope0807]

Going Places,

Thank you!  Comparing trying to repair the broken parts of a BPD marriage to shards of glass and recognizing that the vase will never be the same again is perfect.  I am doing my best to stay focused and busy looking forward. 

So I'm NC and I've been out of my home for a couple months now (totally away from the BPDexh) and my divorce is almost final.  I work hard to recall the many years of utter confusion and disgust with his behavior and my deep sadness in wanting to feel connected in the way he made me feel in the beginning.  Without any idea of his "BPD" or secretive substance abuse, "I" threatened to leave.  I set boundaries and demanded respect in the midst of the lunacy that was unfolding.  I'm sure I would've been more careful about all that had I known about "BPD" while I was still in the relationship.  I'm hoping my resistance to all the nonsense was my inner strength saving me from falling deeply, hopelessly in love - but in the end (when he found another "supply source" he tossed me out like trash and put me through the cruelest, most horrid experiences of my life in a way that felt like a switch being flicked overnight.  Idealization to Devaluation - I learned it all after-the-fact.  Oh god!  The trauma and shock of it all is what I continue to struggle with.  My days now are mine for the sculpting.  There is tranquility so far from the intense chaos that I should be utterly grateful and enjoying myself.  So why I am struggling so much move past the shock and trauma of this all?  When does it start to feel better?

In Aug 2011, what I thought was real was revealed to be a lie.

I was blind sided.

Adultery and addiction.

Right under my nose, and I had NO, ZERO idea.

Not one red flag.

I clung to 'the old times ---- the good times' and tried to put this broken marriage back together.

Thing is, when you pick up shards of glass and try to piece the vase back together?

You end up cutting yourself, and the vase, is never the same... .

6 months ago, I had had enough.

I filed for divorce.

July 8, I threw him out.

I have been 'gun in mouth' low, and 'mountain top' high... .sometimes in the same week.

The less I talk to him (blocked him from my phone, he can only contact me via email) the better off I am. The more 'good days' I string together.

For the longest time I blamed "me" for being blind, stupid, gulible, trusting.

Then I blamed him for being... .good for nothing.

I am now in the phase of just letting it go, and looking forward.

Looking back is never good. Ever.

There were no 'good times'... .just smoke and mirrors, lies upon lies.

I need to focus on MAKING good times moving forward!

I'm functioning, but barely.  I'm a shell of who I was or should be.  If I can muster the ability to spend some time with a handful of people, I'm very uncomfortable being around anyone (that's not normally me) and I feel completely exhausted when I get home from spending time with others.  I'm guessing I should attribute this to a bit of depression - I'm trying to hold it together and keep moving forward. 

Depression will suck the soul out of you.

Whether you feel like it or now... .stay around friends and family that are supportive. DO fun things, find things you enjoy... .and do them. Take your focus off the negative, and zone in on positive things.

I also struggle with the lack of support.  People try to comfort me that have been through divorce and breakups, but the severity of having learned that your problems were largely attributed to dealing with a pwBPD and their secret drug addiction is not something you can easily turn to the person next to you sharing their own divorce story and tell them.  Most people have no clue.  More people just don't care.  It's not their hurt, it's mine…and I don't know when it's going to pass. 

How do you push past the paralyzing shock of the fallout?

Some days I don't.

Some days, I just lay on the couch.

I hate those days.

I try SO hard to give myself 5 things a day to do... .that are future focused, not past focused.

I don't even try to 'understand or care' about ex's issues.

They are his. He will reap what he has sown.

The less I think about him and his issues, the better off I am.

If I didn't have to work so much and get this house ready for sale? I'd be volunteering for the Red Cross.

It took me from Aug 2011 until April 2014 to get past the 'shock-trauma' of the whole mess.

It left me with PTSD and Depression... .which will not rule me.

It will absolutely not rule me.

There is too much life to live to let someone else's sickness rule me.

[Bellerphon]

I am still in recovery myself. My divorce was final last month, we are still fighting over the kids and custody ( they are placed with me by the state).

It has been over 18 months since i finally left her over promiscuity, substance abuse, failure to stay employed, and physical abuse.

I know it will end someday, but it is not coming soon enough. I did therapy for four hours every week for over a year and I have made it far, but I feel lonely, misunderstood, and abused. It was quite draining all seven years of the marriage.

I wake up everyday... .hoping it will end. One day it will ... .till then I remember Afghanistan was worse and cowboy up.

B

[IceQueenSunday]

I think the only way I'm functioning at the moment is for the kids and for the realisation from an old story I heard years ago. It was told at a Christmas carol service so ignore the simplification of the recall.

There were two angels visiting earth one evening and on their journey they needed somewhere to sleep. Disguised as poor travellers they knocked on the door of a rich man and his wife who told them they couldn't possibly stay in the house but they could sleep out in the stables and they needed to be gone at first light. The next evening they came across the house of a poor man and his wife and again knocked on the door and asked for lodgings. The poor man and his wife welcomed the pair inside with open arms and offered to share with them anything they had, although what they had wasn't much. The next morning as they awoke they found the only source of income for the poor couple (their cow) had died. One of the angels turned to the other and asked why? How is that fair? The rich man who is cold in heart keeps everything and the poor man who has nothing loses their only source of income? The older angel replied 'my brother, when we were at the house of the rich man I saw a brick missing in the stables, behind it was a room full of treasure but I replaced the brick because the man was not deserving. Last night whilst we were here the angel of death came for the poor mans wife, but I asked him to take the cow instead.'

Long winded way of saying basically that yes my heart and soul are destroyed, sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe, but things could be worse. I still have my children, I still have my parents, I can heal (in time) with a lot of work and a lot of patience. Maybe this needed to happen for my ex fiancé not to destroy someone else? Maybe he will get help now as it's a condition of seeing the kids? Maybe someone else wouldn't have been strong enough to survive  x one day at a time Hun, it has to get a bit easier one day x try and find your positives and hold on to them tightly x

Hope you can understand what I was trying to say x

[freedom33]

I am sorry to hear about your situations. We are all on the same boat. I have options to go out with friends but I just don't feel like it. It's tough and I feel I am pretending when I am trying to engage and ft in and be all nice to people. I mean who spends their saturday night in a forum? I feel like ___ most of the time and have lost the will to live. I was always looking ahead to the future but now all I can do is ruminate and express myself in this forum.

I can totally relate with not feeling like being around other people. I feel like I'm carrying this heavy burden that weighs down my mind and hangs on my shoulders.  I was invited out tonight but am not at all feeling up for it. When I do go out I feel like a zombi. I have a hard time connecting with people.

[Bellerphon]

Long winded way of saying basically that yes my heart and soul are destroyed, sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe, but things could be worse. I still have my children, I still have my parents, I can heal (in time) with a lot of work and a lot of patience. Maybe this needed to happen for my ex fiancé not to destroy someone else? Maybe he will get help now as it's a condition of seeing the kids?

What I have had to work on is focusing on myself and my kids, not my xBPDw and her status or condition. I have some hardwiring to redo... .I am a caretaker personality type, and it is still a work in progress.

[IceQueenSunday]

I am sorry to hear about your situations. We are all on the same boat. I have options to go out with friends but I just don't feel like it. It's tough and I feel I am pretending when I am trying to engage and ft in and be all nice to people. I mean who spends their saturday night in a forum? I feel like ___ most of the time and have lost the will to live. I was always looking ahead to the future but now all I can do is ruminate and express myself in this forum.

I can totally relate with not feeling like being around other people. I feel like I'm carrying this heavy burden that weighs down my mind and hangs on my shoulders.  I was invited out tonight but am not at all feeling up for it. When I do go out I feel like a zombi. I have a hard time connecting with people.

See I have been gambling a lot since this happened  it's not a healthy habit and I'm going to end up in trouble if I don't get a grip on it  it's an attempt at distraction I think  x

[IceQueenSunday]

Long winded way of saying basically that yes my heart and soul are destroyed, sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe, but things could be worse. I still have my children, I still have my parents, I can heal (in time) with a lot of work and a lot of patience. Maybe this needed to happen for my ex fiancé not to destroy someone else? Maybe he will get help now as it's a condition of seeing the kids?

What I have had to work on is focusing on myself and my kids, not my xBPDw and her status or condition. I have some hardwiring to redo... .I am a caretaker personality type, and it is still a work in progress.

I think it scares me him being near the kids without getting that help, that's what is playing on my mind  x well done for how far you have come already x

[Hope0807]

My BPDexh stole my 30's and "BPD" was not realized until after the fallout, along with his secret drug addiction.  I wanted to have children but couldn't get past the chaos of the relationship.  I grew cold and couldn't commit to a baby-making mentality.  Life was just too painful and bizarre.  For weeks after he painted me black I hated that I didn't even have a child to keep me going.  My one parent is withering away in a nursing home.  My small group of wonderful friends are supportive for sure, but cannot understand the magnitude of my trauma.  I'm careful to not overwhelm them and wallow in my sorrows in their presence - as a result, I tend to be rather reclusive.  I'll get there.  I plan to find volunteer opportunities for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I've done it in the past and found it extremely rewarding.  Hugs & prayers to all on here.  I'm so very grateful for this forum.

I think the only way I'm functioning at the moment is for the kids and for the realisation from an old story I heard years ago. It was told at a Christmas carol service so ignore the simplification of the recall.

There were two angels visiting earth one evening and on their journey they needed somewhere to sleep. Disguised as poor travellers they knocked on the door of a rich man and his wife who told them they couldn't possibly stay in the house but they could sleep out in the stables and they needed to be gone at first light. The next evening they came across the house of a poor man and his wife and again knocked on the door and asked for lodgings. The poor man and his wife welcomed the pair inside with open arms and offered to share with them anything they had, although what they had wasn't much. The next morning as they awoke they found the only source of income for the poor couple (their cow) had died. One of the angels turned to the other and asked why? How is that fair? The rich man who is cold in heart keeps everything and the poor man who has nothing loses their only source of income? The older angel replied 'my brother, when we were at the house of the rich man I saw a brick missing in the stables, behind it was a room full of treasure but I replaced the brick because the man was not deserving. Last night whilst we were here the angel of death came for the poor mans wife, but I asked him to take the cow instead.'

Long winded way of saying basically that yes my heart and soul are destroyed, sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe, but things could be worse. I still have my children, I still have my parents, I can heal (in time) with a lot of work and a lot of patience. Maybe this needed to happen for my ex fiancé not to destroy someone else? Maybe he will get help now as it's a condition of seeing the kids? Maybe someone else wouldn't have been strong enough to survive  x one day at a time Hun, it has to get a bit easier one day x try and find your positives and hold on to them tightly x

Hope you can understand what I was trying to say x

[IceQueenSunday]

I'm sorry I wasn't trying to say I have x y and z I was hoping to try and give you a positive focus x I think volunteering would be a wonderful idea, I have been trying to help out a local homeless charity. I understand what you are saying about not overwhelming friends but don't forget that they are friends because they care and want to be there for you x

I hope things start to improve soon Hun x hugs x

[Hope0807]

I didn't take it that way.  Just made me thoughtful.  No worries.

I'm sorry I wasn't trying to say I have x y and z I was hoping to try and give you a positive focus x I think volunteering would be a wonderful idea, I have been trying to help out a local homeless charity. I understand what you are saying about not overwhelming friends but don't forget that they are friends because they care and want to be there for you x

I hope things start to improve soon Hun x hugs x

[Tibbles]

Hi

It's hard isn't it. The leaving is hard enough and then to be devalued and the shock of it all. Really sucks and so hard to deal with. No one outside, friends family really understand, this site is a life saver. When I'm in a really bad place I tell myself all I have to do is breath, nothing else, that's all. That helps to settle me. Then it's 5 mins at a time, that's all I've got to do. Little chunks. My T told me to get lots of sunshine and the sea. I'm lucky I live on the coast, so I sat on the beach for hrs just looking out to sea. Time helps a lot. I'm 12 months away and just starting divorce stuff like working out how to sell the house etc. That is bringing all sorts of feelings back so I'm back to little chunks and sitting by myself at the beach again. It sucks but I do know better days are ahead and anything is better than the life I had, one that was so full of fear. My kids life is so much better now to and I cling to that. If nothing else I have given them a safe happy home for the first time in their lives, they were 19 and 21 when I left. I am struggling so much but they are not and that makes it worthwhile.  The shock factor does wear off, the pain is still there but with time you will feel and function better x x x x x

[Hope0807]

Yes it is hard, thank you all so much.  When we first separated and evidence of his drug abuse materialized, so many told me, "you're so lucky you don't have kids…the divorce…lifetime attachment" etc, but I felt differently at the time.  I felt unbearably lost and lonely - like a child would at least keep me grounded, force me to get out of bed in the morning, something to remind me that some good did come out of 7 years, or even that those 7 years existed.  A few months out now and on my own, I am leaning toward the side of being more grateful that a child is not keeping me connected to my exBPD. I'm totally NC and I cannot even begin to imagine what those of you are going through emotionally with the custody issues.  My hat is off to you and my thoughts and prayers with you daily. 

We listed our house the day before my 40th birthday.  The magnitude of having spent my 30s with someone so disordered and moving forward childless is a whole bag of mixed emotions.   

Hi

It's hard isn't it. The leaving is hard enough and then to be devalued and the shock of it all. Really sucks and so hard to deal with. No one outside, friends family really understand, this site is a life saver. When I'm in a really bad place I tell myself all I have to do is breath, nothing else, that's all. That helps to settle me. Then it's 5 mins at a time, that's all I've got to do. Little chunks. My T told me to get lots of sunshine and the sea. I'm lucky I live on the coast, so I sat on the beach for hrs just looking out to sea. Time helps a lot. I'm 12 months away and just starting divorce stuff like working out how to sell the house etc. That is bringing all sorts of feelings back so I'm back to little chunks and sitting by myself at the beach again. It sucks but I do know better days are ahead and anything is better than the life I had, one that was so full of fear. My kids life is so much better now to and I cling to that. If nothing else I have given them a safe happy home for the first time in their lives, they were 19 and 21 when I left. I am struggling so much but they are not and that makes it worthwhile.  The shock factor does wear off, the pain is still there but with time you will feel and function better x x x x x