My Road to Recovery

[Bellerphon]

To begin with the boards here have allowed me to not feel alone or singled out as a former spouse to a BPDw. It is liberating to know I can read and really empathize with the people who post with their own struggles to cope and survive.

Presently I am taking self-inventory and I realized that my recovery is my own responsibility. I am still in therapy, I am working out, staying busy, but I am not socializing, dating or able to really reduce the hypervigilence because of the bi-weekly contact with her when she has visitation. Hence I am not coping well with the fact that I have to see her experience her warped reality through the kids. Even though we are recently divorced I still have ongoing legal issues with her.

She has moved on, no surprise there I was the guy she moved on with from fiancee #2. But what has really upset me is speed in which she has introduced him to the kids and his kids. What wounds me are the still easily disproved lies she tells ... .some of which have landed her in the hot seat in court as well as with others involved with the case. And yet they still hurt ... .her hooks are still in me and I have more to remove.

My question to the ether, is the regret will it diminish? the vacant hole where you feel like you have wasted time an energy (not mention treasure) does it close up? the rage of being lied to and or put at risk by the BPD?  I could go on. I realize I still have so much work to do to recover from this, as well as being a single parent and my own baggage from the war or my past.

[Rifka]

Yes it will get easier with time and when you have learned the skills to focus on yourself again.

As far as the child exchange, can it take place at a public place to avoid each other going into each other's space?

Conversation can be limited and stopped at the moment it is crossing boundaries by expressing this is a child exchange only and important info pertaining only to the child. You really can control it if you want to.

As far as her and the kids on her time, basically if the kids are not in physical harm ( I'm sure the emotional is existing) there is nothing you can do, so don't worry about it, worry a about you and healing you.

Love your kids with all of your heart and be the best dad that you can be.

Don't flood yourself with the lies, deception or anything else, she is now her next victims problem!

Hugs to you, it's very hard to throw pride to the curb and go forward starting from the bottom up in emotions.

[OutOfEgypt]

Does it diminish?  Yes.  Do you begin to heal?  Yes.  Will you ever forget?  No.  Will there be scars?  Yes, but they become opportunities to understand yourself and your place in this world with others even more concretely.  In this state, let the anger be what motivates you to build your new life.  There will be a point where you will want to let it go, but for now use it to find your voice again and build a new life.

[Mutt]

But what has really upset me is speed in which she has introduced him to the kids and his kids. What wounds me are the still easily disproved lies she tells ... .some of which have landed her in the hot seat in court as well as with others involved with the case. And yet they still hurt ... .her hooks are still in me and I have more to remove.

My question to the ether, is the regret will it diminish? the vacant hole where you feel like you have wasted time an energy (not mention treasure) does it close up? the rage of being lied to and or put at risk by the BPD? I could go on. I realize I still have so much work to do to recover from this, as well as being a single parent and my own baggage from the war or my past.

I've been there Bellerphon. I was split black with no explanation and she left the marriage and kids. My ex introduced the affair partner to the kids and he was sleeping over at 3 weeks. It triggers a lot of anger, I understand.

Rifka and OutOfEgypt have very good advise. I'll add this. Learn as much as you can about BPD and become indifferent to the behaviors. It really helps understanding why your ex is the way she is and lets you focus on more important tasks, your kids. Give yourself control back, you don't want to be in perpetual conflict with ex. Work through grieving and all of the stages and I didn't date or get into anything else either.

Provide a safety net and emotionally stable home. Validate your kids. It's difficult and tiring being a single parent. Stay consistent with validation and you will notice a difference with your kids, the dividends will pay off later.

Work on your recovery and heal. Kids need their dad.


Hang in there.


- Mutt