Hi Blanquita.
Well I still haven't replied simply because I'm afraid if I said no it will become an argument and I'm so done trying to reason with them.
It has been my experience that no matter what is said, there will be an argument, especially if they are used to you complying with their wishes. For sure, once you change the status quo, there will be conflict. I think one of the things we kids try to do is try to reason and find just the right words that will not cause them to fly off the handle. I don't know about you, but I twisted myself into knots doing that. Once I realized that with my mother, there was no reasoning, I stopped twisting myself around to avoid conflict and started setting boundaries and standing up for myself. There are tools here that can help you but they will probably not work the first time you try them. Keep at it though and you should feel better at least at your end of the interaction. You can't control how **they will
react**, but you can control how **you
respond** to them. I am sure you can predict various scenarios for what will most likely happen, so plan ahead and practice responses.
Chances are you will be upset and tense... .and that is normal. Come back here and post and vent and we can support you through it.
Anyone have any advice on how to say no to them without letting them down hard?
See what I wrote above. Regardless of what you say and how you say it, they will be upset or disappointed. Since it is inevitable, why not do what you think is right as a mother? You have a beautiful 3 year old daughter that needs protecting far more than your parents feelings need to be protected. Your instincts are telling you "no" so pay attention to them and honor your instincts.
What should I say?
It sounds like you do not want to have your daughter visit, so say no. I am not saying to be rude, but just a simple No and if they ask for an explanation (you really do not owe them one) say I do not feel comfortable with a visit. If they persist say "I told you my answer and I will not discuss it with you further so please stop asking." If they persist, say you are hanging up and then hang up. They will get mad and angry... .that is nothing new though right? You do not need to excuse, justify or defend.
Blanquita, it is hard to change the way you have always interacted with them and it is hard knowing that you will most likely face some conflict. but if you want things to change you can't keep doing what you have always done (ie trying not to let them down, avoid arguments, etc.)
Whatever you decide to say or do, you will be okay.
