How to say no to them without letting them down hard

[blanquita]

Hey BPD family! Hadn't has contact with my diagnosed BPM for 3 weeks and I got a voicemail a few days ago with her asking can her and my father get my daughter for a couple hours this weekend... acting as if noting ever happened and no apology of course, I didn't respond and yesterday evening I got a phone call from my dad wanting to know the same thing... I was caught of guard so I told him I'll think about it and let him know. His response was what do you have to think about? I replied I'll let you know sometime this week and he said he wanted to know by yesterday night. Well I still haven't replied simply because I'm afraid if I said no it will become an argument and I'm so done trying to reason with them. I know they only want my daughter to come over to cheer up my mom when she just called housing one and the police 3 weeks ago but I'm supposed to let them see my daughter ughh no please. Thought we ended this ___ but she's literally so obsessed with my daughter that its scary/creepy as heck! Anyone have any advice on how to say no to them without letting them down hard? What should I say? I don't even know where to begin because they always both have a smart question or remark to ally responses and try to guilt me into things. I'm sick of being treated this way and I don't feel an obligation for them to visit with or have a relationship with my 3 year old daughter. Need to respond soon before they start calling again...

[Harri]

Hi Blanquita. 

Well I still haven't replied simply because I'm afraid if I said no it will become an argument and I'm so done trying to reason with them.

It has been my experience that no matter what is said, there will be an argument, especially if they are used to you complying with their wishes.  For sure, once you change the status quo, there will be conflict.  I think one of the things we kids try to do is try to reason and find just the right words that will not cause them to fly off the handle.  I don't know about you, but I twisted myself into knots doing that.  Once I realized that with my mother, there was no reasoning, I stopped twisting myself around to avoid conflict and started setting boundaries and standing up for myself.  There are tools here that can help you but they will probably not work the first time you try them.  Keep at it though and you should feel better at least at your end of the interaction.  You can't control how **they will react**, but you can control how **you respond** to them.  I am sure you can predict various scenarios for what will most likely happen, so plan ahead and practice responses.     Chances are you will be upset and tense... .and that is normal.  Come back here and post and vent and we can support you through it.   

Anyone have any advice on how to say no to them without letting them down hard?

  See what I wrote above.  Regardless of what you say and how you say it, they will be upset or disappointed.  Since it is inevitable, why not do what you think is right as a mother?  You have a beautiful 3 year old daughter that needs protecting far more than your parents feelings need to be protected.  Your instincts are telling you "no" so pay attention to them and honor your instincts.

What should I say?

It sounds like you do not want to have your daughter visit, so say no.  I am not saying to be rude, but just a simple No and if they ask for an explanation (you really do not owe them one) say I do not feel comfortable with a visit.  If they persist say "I told you my answer and I will not discuss it with you further so please stop asking."  If they persist, say you are hanging up and then hang up.  They will get mad and angry... .that is nothing new though right?  You do not need to excuse, justify or defend.

Blanquita, it is hard to change the way you have always interacted with them and it is hard knowing that you will most likely face some conflict.  but if you want things to change you can't keep doing what you have always done (ie trying not to let them down, avoid arguments, etc.) 

Whatever you decide to say or do, you will be okay.   

[blanquita]

Hello Harri !

I found your post very intriguing. It made me think wait why am I still trying to watch what I say and walk on eggs shells so I don't piss them off. Your right! Why am I trying to reason and twist myself in knots trying to so. I know that feeling just as well as you Harri.

I also loved the idea of responses you gave. I feel confident about replying now instead of fear of what's to come if I don't give her what she wants. Your so right I can't do what I've always done or nothing will change... they are so used to me complying.

Well Harri it was nice to hear this advice... makes me feel like I have that support and understanding I needs here at BPD family! Hope to hear back from you soon

[Harri]

Hi again!  I'm relieved my words came across okay and I am thrilled you feel more confident!  Good for you!  Earlier today I was thinking about your situation, specifically where your mom called the police and child services.  She has a lot of nerve to think she can just ask to see your daughter after that and not even apologize (not that an apology after such a rotten thing is sufficient, but you get what I mean I'm sure).  Talk about irrational behavior and expectations!

I found knowing that I could not avoid upsetting them quite freeing in a way.  When you know that no matter what you do, if it is not bending to their wills 100% you will be screwed and painted black the only thing left to do is to stand up for you.  

My momused all kinds of threats and manipulations on me and when I look back I am amazed I let them work as well as they did.  It took someone else telling me how unreasonable, controlling and manipulative she was (the whole family dynamic really) for me to see it and

even then it was a long while before I felt confident that she really was way out of line.

You do have support here.  Just remember, you get to decide what is right for you.  It is easy for me to sit here and give advice but you know what is best.  It is easy for your paerents to make demands and issue threats, but you get to decide what to do.  

Keep us posted.  

I am not sure I would ever want her with my child, especially not alone, after the stunt she pulled.  

[Indie]

I agree with all Harris said on this situation!   I suspect your mother would like (maybe unconsciously, maybe not) to undermine your relationship with your daughter.  My son is 32 and I have regrets that I allowed him to spend as much time as. I did with his uBPD grandmother.  Lately I have wished for a do-over in that department, but with that not possible, perhaps some good will come by sharing here.

[blanquita]

Hello guys!  Thought I'd update ya on the situation.  My dad texted me tonight when I was in class and said so are you going to answer Me? Can we get our grand daughter this Saturday? I replied no and he said why not?  And I said because I don't feel comfortable with a visit. He replied whatever and I did text him back after that.  I feel very liberated for standing my ground  hope they just stop contacting me all together.  I'm going to school and trying to better my life aND my mom just can't stand to see her own daughter succeed.  It's very sad how a mom could do that to her own daughter...   But I just want to move on and when I have the money eventually move far far away forever!