Was doing better and then bam

[Parents! Get help here!]

Was just wondering how you cope when the person in your life seems to be getting better and then has a setback.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  My son had a stretch where he appeared to be functioning better and seemed happier.  Tonight he went to the dark side and seems to have slipped back into his dark world.  I feel like what was I thinking- did I really think he would be cured and I would be free from the nightmare that we live with.

Hope do you handle this?

[rhapsody4]

Was just wondering how you cope when the person in your life seems to be getting better and then has a setback.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  My son had a stretch where he appeared to be functioning better and seemed happier.  Tonight he went to the dark side and seems to have slipped back into his dark world.  I feel like what was I thinking- did I really think he would be cured and I would be free from the nightmare that we live with.

Hope do you handle this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

rhapsody4

Bpd is a cyclic disorder.  When everything seems to be going well, we need to be on guard, because it rarely lasts.  One of the characteristics of BPD is the inability to regulate emotions, and mood swings happen quickly and frequently.  Setbacks happen.  They are all part of the cycle.

Unfortunately, there is no true "cure" for this mental disorder. All that can be done is to attempt to manage the symptoms.  In order to accomplish this, pwBPD need to recognize that they are ill, and, sadly, many do not, so they refuse treatment and/or therapy.  Has your son been diagnosed?

There are specific ways to communicate with pwBPD to try to avoid all the drama and emotional turbulence. This site is a wonderful educational tool with many resources available to help parents. Please check them out.

As parents we need to expect the unexpected. The typical BPD sufferer's life is filled with emotional chaos, so it is often difficult to predict their reaction to any given circumstance.  It is impossible to know what may set them off, and if we are distraught at their setbacks, imagine how they must feel. Strive to stay calm and supportive.  

Thank you for joining us. Please keep posting, and we will do our best to help.  

[HealingSpirit]

Hello rhapsody4,

  I'm so sorry you've had the rug pulled out from under you.  I know how distressing that is.  I don't have time to give you a proper response now, but I will come back later. 

You have come to a great place to gain insight, understanding, and much-needed validation for your struggles with your son. 

Hang in there!

[HealingSpirit]

Hello again rhapsody4,

I'm back with a bit more time to spare, so I can really respond to your post now... .

First, I was wondering how old is your son?  Also, what kinds of issues are you dealing with?  Can you tell us more about what happened that seems like such a setback?  The more you share with us, the better we can help.

You asked, "How do you handle this?" 

Setbacks are so hard!  Especially when they come out of the blue after a calm period, like your son's did.  We experienced something similar with my DD17 back in May.  She slashed her wrist about 20 times "to end the pain from a dog bite."  Our neighbor's dogs got out and bit her several times on the legs.  She was understandably traumatized, but the trauma led her into a downward spiral into that "dark world" you were talking about. Her self-inflicted cutting wounds on her wrist were much worse than the dog bite wounds.  And because she harmed herself so such an extreme degree, she wound up in a pediatric mental hospital for a 3-day hold.  DH and I were home when she cut herself, but we did not find out about it until the next morning.

It was scary, and I was also traumatized by her behavior and hospitalization. Even so, we had more warning than you did because we knew she was upset about a number of things, not just the dog bite.  Still, the extent of the cutting made me feel like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  Nothing makes you feel more inadequate as a parent, than when your own child self-harms and you had no way to see it coming or stop it.  But the truth is, we ARE adequate parents.  We just have very ill offspring!

How I handle it, quite frankly, is by coming to this site to vent, and by supporting and encouraging the other parents who deal with similar things.  Therapy can also be very helpful if you find a good one who practices DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and has time to devote.  Our family is in therapy, but 50 minutes once every 2 weeks doesn't do enough.  Our therapist has only seen us individually, not as a family for over a year. 

I also try to keep up my self-care: taking long dips in the jacuzzi, going to my all-women's painting group, making lunch-dates with friends, snuggling with my 2 Dachshunds, talking on the phone with my mom and sister who are very supportive. And I partake in a nice glass of wine almost every evening with dinner.  (Sometimes two.)  I've also been reading books and information about BPD and Boundaries as quickly as I can.  It takes me a while to get through a book because I read at night before bed, and sometimes I only get through 2-3 pages before I'm too sleepy.

Have you and/or your son been in therapy?  If not, do you have a support system, or someone you trust whom you can talk to?  Loving someone with BPD can make you question your own sanity, so it is very important that you set up a support system for yourself.  You can always come here!  The parents on this message board are very supportive and understanding. 

I wish it were easier!  At least we can all share the burden together.

[SeaSprite]

  Getting blindsided is awful. What is happening with your child?

Sometimes it feels scarier for things to be going well for my D16, than badly, because when they are going well I'm wondering what's going to be the next thing.

For us it was five months ago, D was doing well in school, enjoying art class and spending lots of time with friends.

Until it turned out, she was actually with a 29 year old guy, who after a few months of family angst drama she got pregnant with.

The time before that it was the call from my D's French teacher while they were on a school trip to Europe that she was suicidal, and for a minute it looked like i might need a last minute flight to go meet her in an Italian hospital. Then, she came home with an STI from her sexual escapades.

I don't trust it when things look great anymore. There is usually something bad about to happen.

She is so bright and capable, and yet a master of self sabotage, usually some form of sexual acting out followed by an emotional/self-harm crisis.

I have been trying to think of it like disease that has a remission/outbreak cycle, it seems to help.

Right now, oddly enough, she seems to be entering remission again, in spite of the recent drama and the ongoing issues surrounding her pregnancy.

For me, that means a minute to recharge before the next crisis.

[jellibeans]

dear rhapsody4

I think there has to be a balance. I struggle with this a lot. I want to remain hopeful but there are the steps bakwards that can rid your heart out. I think it really is about radical acceptance. Right now I feel I need to be prepared for these steps back even though my dd17 is moving forward and functioning well. Just to realize that this is who they are and they are always going to struggle to some degree.