I'm so angry at my permissive father

[Our abuse recovery guide]

How do you deal with a parent who is completely permissive/non-directive parent when you know that he/she is conditioning you to have low-frustration tolerance (out of LOVE, of course)?  You know what is going on, but don't know how to improve the situation.

I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder was removed from the DSM 5, but if there was ever such a thing, my dad has it.

He told me once that because his marriage to and divorce from my uBPD mom was so traumatic for us kids, he feels that he OWES it to us to do so many favors.  He's referring to taking care for our adult responsibilities that all three of us are WAY old enough to be able to do ourselves, but don't/can't because he always does them.

Being in my twenties, this makes me feel like he believes I am not competent to take care of myself.  In a way, this is his self-fulfilling prophecy for all three of us.  Sometimes I think that the main reason he does these things for us just so he can complain about his children's laziness (non of us is lazy).

For this reason, I have a heap of quiet resentment built up, but how can you be mad at a parent who is so helpful?

Is anyone else dealing with this? I would appreciate any advice. 

[Shelle]

How do you deal with a parent who is completely permissive/non-directive parent when you know that he/she is conditioning you to have low-frustration tolerance (out of LOVE, of course)?  You know what is going on, but don't know how to improve the situation.

I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder was removed from the DSM 5, but if there was ever such a thing, my dad has it.

He told me once that because his marriage to and divorce from my uBPD mom was so traumatic for us kids, he feels that he OWES it to us to do so many favors.  He's referring to taking care for our adult responsibilities that all three of us are WAY old enough to be able to do ourselves, but don't/can't because he always does them.

Being in my twenties, this makes me feel like he believes I am not competent to take care of myself.  In a way, this is his self-fulfilling prophecy for all three of us.  Sometimes I think that the main reason he does these things for us just so he can complain about his children's laziness (non of us is lazy).

For this reason, I have a heap of quiet resentment built up, but how can you be mad at a parent who is so helpful?

Is anyone else dealing with this? I would appreciate any advice. 

[jmanvo2015]

This is a tough situation for exactly the reason you explain. It's hard to be mad at someone who is doing something nice for you.  I do not have a father like yours, but I do have a lot of co-dependency issues with my uBPDm who has always "taken care" of everything for me.  Allowing her to do this has not been good because now I'm in my 40s and feel afraid of my own incompetence in certain areas.  My mother made me very dependent on her.

So, I guess, I'd caution you to allow your father to do everything for you, even if he just does it anyway.  Probably better to start gently nudging him out of that habit and doing more for yourself.

[Harri]

Hi Shelle.  Your awareness of the situation and the resulting damage of parent who will not let you learn to function on your own is precisely what is going to save you.    

Have you ever told him that while you appreciate his help, you want to take care of things on your own and that when and if you need help you will ask for it?  I have not been in the same situation so I am having a hard time understanding how he is forcing his help.  I have no referent so I can think of all sorts of things to say but I have no idea how helpful they would be.  Beyond saying something like what I said above, would telling him that his help is actually setting you up to be dependent on him all your life something that would work for you?

You ask how to be mad at someone who is so helpful.  You do it by recognizing that you are being set up for failure as an adult.  That your power to make choices, mistakes and even to fail is being controlled and limited by your father.  That you are in essence being told you are not capable and strong enough to handle things on your own.  

Almost every abusive and sick thing my mother did to me was from her idea and version of love.  Just because it comes from a place of love does not mean it is right and that you can not be angry.  My vote is to tell him that you appreciate his help but it is really hurting you in the long run.  (choose your own words of course, but make them count!)